You’re trying to add leadership in your marriage … but you screwed up & she’s mad. Now what do you do?
Do you play it cool and blow it off? Do you grovel and cover your head in ashes?
Is it inevitable that she’ll lose attraction as a result?
Can you recover the situation?
It Happens – You Screwed Up & She’s Mad
I’ve talked a lot about holding frame and its importance in increasing attraction.
But what about when you lose frame? What then? How much damage have you done?
The truth is you’re going to stumble sometimes.
It’s inevitable.
You’re adding leadership, yes, but all these new behaviors take a while to become second nature.
There are times when you’re just going to lose it.
Any time you learn new skills, you’re going to mess up.
If you stay married long enough, eventually you’re going to lose your cool with your wife … you’re going to yell at your kids once in a while … you’re going to look foolish in some way.
You’re going to create a huge -1 at some point. Might as well just accept that now.
But it’s not the end of the world.
Don’t get me wrong … Situations where you lose your cool definitely create a -1.
Meaning they’re going to impact attraction to a certain extent.
However, when you do it right, owning your mistakes can be a huge display of high value, and can actually increase attraction in your marriage.
The Magic Part – Owning Your Mistakes
When You Screw Up & She Gets Mad
It’s okay to stumble – the really important part is getting back up.
That’s where the magic takes place.
When you mess up but are able to honestly and boldly own it and move on, it’s actually a display of high value.
A guy who can do this is extremely attractive to women.
Bonus points if you can laugh at yourself in the process.
Let’s look at a real-life example:
Now what?
Well, now you’ve got some choices.
Option #1 – Blow It Off
A really common choice is just to ignore the whole thing.
Pretend it didn’t happen. Don’t mention it to your wife and hope she won’t bring it up.
Least said, soonest mended …
Except you know that’s not going to work.
Even if your wife doesn’t bring it up herself, you both know it happened.
She’s waiting to see how you’re going to handle it.
This is the moment of truth.
Option #2 – Whine It Away
You can try to excuse your way out of it by whining to your wife about what a lousy day you’ve had.
You’re just so frustrated with work …
and why can’t she do a better job at disciplining the kids …
and if you got more damned sex, you wouldn’t be so grumpy to begin with, dammit!
Okay, tempting. But not productive.
It takes courage to own up to a mistake … and women are turned on by courage … so shifting blame is definitely not sexy.
So that route is going to erode attraction even further.
Ouch. You just took a -1 and turned it into a -10. Not a great option.
Option 3 – Own It
You Screwed Up & She’s Mad – So What?
Just own it.
It’s not the end of the world.
And, if handled well, you can actually increase attraction when you own up to messing up.
Quietly and simply admit what happened …
“Man, I really lost it in there. I feel frustrated and I need to go cool off.”
Then get out. Completely out of the house.
It doesn’t matter where.
You’re emotionally flooded. You need to take some space to recover.
Let Your Amygdala Settle
If you stay and talk about it, you’re just going to lose it and make things worse.
Go for a walk. Work out. Hammer some nails. Punch inanimate objects.
Get the stress out of your system.
Stay gone for at least 20 minutes, which is how long it takes the amygdala to be able to calm down.
(Men generally take a little longer to recover than women.)
Own It & Apologize
When You Screwed Up & She’s Mad
When you go back home, apologize sincerely to your wife.
Be matter of fact. No groveling.
The next day, apologize once to your son.
That’s it.
Now put it behind you and move forward.
Don’t over-compensate, don’t lose frame.
Stay firm and get back on that horse.
She’ll Need to Process the Emotions with You
If your wife brings it up again, go ahead and listen to her feelings; let her process the situation.
Women generally need to go through the emotions before they can focus on the solution.
Solicit her input.
You can even reiterate your apology if you want.
But then once you’ve talked it through, let her know your plan for moving forward.
By doing this, you turn a -1 into a +10.
You can actually increase attraction by making mistakes and then owning them.
5-Step Process
When You Screwed Up & She’s Mad
So, 5 steps to rebuild attraction when you blow it:
1. Leave the house and calm down
2. Admit your mistake & Apologize to your wife
3. Listen while she processes the emotions
4. Solicit her input
5. Give her a plan for moving forward
That’s the winning formula for building attraction even when you screw up & she’s mad.
Everyone messes up. It takes a strong man to own his mistakes and correct them.
And women love strong men.
It’s what divides the men from the boys.
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