Your wife takes you for granted because you’re a sure thing. If you want to get her attention and build attraction, you have to do this one thing.
Create a sense of Mystery
What makes Super Heroes so sexy? Amongst all those muscles and bounding over buildings, they also have a sense of Mystery. You never know where they are or what they’re up to. And this gives them a mystique that keeps us intrigued.
We would soon lose our fascination with Batman if we saw him hanging out every day at Starbucks. And Superman wouldn’t be so super if he sat around playing video games all night.
Instead, the Supers dash in and dash out. You never know when they’re going to pop up, and you never quite know what they’re doing when they’re not out there saving the world.
I’m not 100% sure, but my guess is Mr. Incredible’s sex life went south when he took that boring desk job.
Contrast that to everyday life. Is there ever a time when your wife doesn’t know where you are? My guess is not. You’re a sure thing. Which may make her feel all warm and fuzzy, but it doesn’t create ‘tingles’, and it won’t get you more sex.
Your wife takes you for granted because you’re a sure thing.
When things are too easy, we lose interest. If you want to increase your wife’s attraction, you need to create ‘Mystery’.
Take this Quick Quiz
Women are most attracted to a guy when they:
- Are told he’s interested in her
- Are told he’s not interested in her
- Are uncertain as to whether he is or is not interested
If you guessed ‘c’, then you are correct, sir!
Surprising landmark study. Women were shown pictures of men separated into three groups … a.) guys who had indicated interest, b.) guys who hadn’t indicated interest, and c.) guys whose interest level was unknown.
You’d think that women would be most attracted to the guys they were told had shown an interest in them. Not the case.
Women are most attracted to men when they’re uncertain of him.
While women did like men who indicated interest better than men who indicated disinterest, they were most interested in men whose interest level was unknown. They thought about those guys more frequently and were more intrigued.
So … why is that?
Uncertainty Heightens Attraction
Turns out that uncertainty, or mystery, creates interest and attraction.
No huge surprise there. It’s all about dopamine, the reward neurotransmitter. Or more accurately, the novelty neurotransmitter. We know that uncertainty causes our brains to produce dopamine. Things that are new to us engage and excite us. Things like gambling, drugs, sports, fights, shopping, porn, etc. Events with uncertain outcomes.
Dopamine = Excitement and Attraction
More ‘Mystery’ = More dopamine = More Attraction
Think about it. Why do we watch movies? We want to see how they’ll end. And when someone spills the ending in advance, it’s called a spoiler. Why? Because knowing the end spoils the movie for us.
Or your favorite ball team. Do you watch the game just to see the action? No, you watch it in order to see who wins. Don’t believe me? How many times have you watched a game the day after it was played? Not often because once you know the score, it ruins it. You already know how it ends. It’s no fun, anymore. Mystery spurs interest.
Playing games. Same thing. If you knew for sure you would win every single time you played, you’d stop playing. The challenge has vanished. That’s why online games gradually increase the difficulty level. When things are too easy, we lose interest.
Okay, you get the point. Mystery good. Uncertainty good. Challenge good. Predictability bad.
What does that mean for your marriage?
Two Rules of Attraction
You’ve read the Two Rules of Life, right?
- Be attractive.
- Don’t be unattractive.
When it comes to keeping your wife’s interest, two rules also apply.
- Be unpredictable.
- Don’t be predictable.
Being a Sure Thing Kills Attraction
Your wife doesn’t need to know where you are and what you’re doing 24/7. It’s so crazy; I’ve worked with guys who actually turned on their phone’s GPS tracker so their wife would know where they were at all times.
And you know that thing where you check in with your wife a million times a day? “Honey, going to lunch, now … Going into a meeting in a minute. Day’s going good … Stopping at the store after work.” That thing where you text her every three seconds. You need to stop that.
Checking in with your wife every three seconds kills mystery and attraction.
Think about it. Does Daniel Craig do that as James Bond? Hell, no. His woman never knows where he is or what he’s doing. He’s the Mystery Man. Intriguing. Quietly confident. It’s irresistible not only to women, but to men, as well. We all like mystery.
Do you see Bruce Willis checking in with his wife, “Sweetheart, going in to blow up a few dozen guys, now. Just wanted to let you know.” No way. He has more important things to do.
We’re drawn to mystery in all areas of life. It’s like catnip.
She Can’t Be Your Whole World
Giving up your interests kills mystery and attraction. One of the biggest mistakes guys make. They give up everything they ever enjoyed for a life of domesticity. They rely on their wife for a social life and for hobbies. When this happens, attraction nosedives.
You have to reclaim the man you used to be.
In order to build attraction, you’ve got to have things going on in your life that have absolutely nothing to do with your wife, home, or kids. You don’t have to go blow things up like Bruce does, but you need to have your own interests apart from your family.
It can be working out, joining a baseball team, getting together with the guys a couple of times a month to play games, whatever. Just something you enjoy that’s separate from your domestic life.
Women are drawn to guys with positive energy, and doing things you love brings you a ton of energy. Your wife needs to know you have more going on in your life than just her, that you don’t have endless amounts of time to spend with her. We are intrigued when we have to work for something.
Mitch: A Case Study in Building Mystery
For Mitch, a coaching client who made tremendous progress in a short time, building mystery was key to building attraction. When he started coaching, he was already fit, made a good income, and had a nice home. But his wife wasn’t as sexually responsive as he wanted, and she didn’t speak to him with the respect he felt he deserved. His two stated goals were a.) more respect, and b.) better sex, less rejection.
Mitch built ‘Mystery’ to increase attraction … and got stellar results.
One of the two factors impacting attraction in Mitch’s marriage was that he had given up his own interests in order to spend all his free time with his wife and kids. His other issue was he gave in too easily to his wife in order to preserve the peace, even when her expectations were unreasonable.
The first thing Mitch worked on was rediscovering the activities he enjoyed doing. This built his energy and confidence to the point that he was able to start setting stronger boundaries with his wife. A couple months of doing only those two things and attraction skyrocketed!
His wife respected him more, treated him better, sex was more frequent, and more importantly to Mitch, sex became far more intense and exciting.
More Mystery = More respect and Better sex
I’m not saying everyone gets such quick results, but because Mitch had all his other factors in place, he only needed to tweak those two areas in order to get a stellar outcome.
You Can’t Just Play Hard-to-Get; You Have to Be Hard-to-Get
Here’s the deal, though. People are ridiculously good at spotting poseurs. You can’t just fake it. Mitch couldn’t simply pretend he was doing fun and interesting things; he had to actually do them.
When I coached Anthony, he wanted to know whether he really needed to go out and do his own thing, or whether he could just pretend to. His actual question was if he could simply go to a coffee shop and hang out in order to create ‘Mystery’. Hmm … let me think about it … no, not so much.
You can’t just pretend to do fun and interesting things; you have to actually do them.
I get it. I’m a homebody myself, and can be forever happy doing domestic stuff. I have to push pretty hard to challenge myself to do new things. But if you want results, you can’t just pretend to be hard-to-get. You actually have to get out there and add things to your life.
When she’s your only option, she takes you for granted.
Display high value by having multiple options to do in your free time; this is as true once you’re married as it is when you’re single. She needs to know you spend time with her because you want to, not because you have nothing better to do.
She has to feel like you’re the prize and there’s competition for your time.
Balance is Important
You can obviously go overboard with this. Some guys fill their lives up so much, they end up showing absolutely no interest in or attraction for their wife. Being completely disinterested and unavailable isn’t attractive, but being mysterious is. You don’t have to be a jerk and crush her spirit; you just have to go have some fun.
So, go ahead and give it a try. If you’re a sure thing in your marriage and completely wrapped up in your wife, go do your own thing and become less available to be at her beck and call. It may initially irk her, but you’ll find she perks up a bit, intrigued by your changes. She’ll probably have lots of questions for you. But … you’re a man of mystery, remember, you never give up your secrets.
Write a comment and let us know how it works for you.
