So, you were turned down … again. She wasn’t interested. And she made it crystal clear.
It hurts. It stings. It completely alters your frame of mind.
You feel hopeless. And helpless to change things.
And honestly, it pisses you off.
But underneath the anger, irritation, and resentment, there’s just this core of sadness that your marriage is like this. And that the one who should love you the most wants you the least.
Jon’s Story – Turned Down Again
Married 13 years; 3 kids
I followed your suggestion and planned a great date night. Instead of our usual boring dinner date, we went to a party, had a few drinks, and I guess in my mind, we’d be on for sex. I know … covert contract.
Got back to the house, took the babysitter home, walked the dog, and by the time I got upstairs, she was almost asleep.
I cuddled up with her and started massaging her shoulders and she turned me down flat.
I know I’m supposed to keep my frame, but I laid awake for half of the night, just so pissed.
The next day she asked me if I was pouting, and I let it all pour out. All the anger, resentment, feeling of unfairness, everything. We talked for almost an hour.
It’s been 4 days and we’re still basically not talking; things are just very cold.
Most of us have been right where Jon was. Even though we know that arguing about sex never works to increase attraction or desire, sometimes the frustration builds enough that you just crack.
And it all pours out, leaving you worse off than you started.
So, what can you do instead?
Believe it or not, there is a perfect response that Jon could have made that would actually have been a building block for higher attraction instead of the jumbled-up mess of emotion it became.
Let’s walk though this scenario, step-by-step.
1. Stop the Bleeding
When You’re Turned Down Again
The first thing to do after you lose frame like Jon did is damage control.
I get it; rejection is unbelievably painful. I’ve been there myself.
But I want you to get strategic with all this.
There’s basically a formula that builds attraction in women and when you apply the formula, she will respond with increased attraction. But we’ll get to that in a minute.
For now, you just need to stop the bleeding.
That means you stop talking about sex and her lack of interest.
I get it! You want to thrash it out and make her understand how important it is.
But talking about her lack of desire actually further diminishes desire. It’s not helping, and is actively hurting attraction in your marriage.
So, you’ve got to stop immediately.
When you lose frame after a rejection, the attraction bucket springs a great big hole. Your job for now is to plug the hole.
How do you do that?
2. Reverse the Negative Vortex
What Jon needs to do first is to go to the Magic-Place-of-Out.
Jon came across as being needy and that invariably lessens attraction.
His wife will be feeling irritated with him, resentful that he keeps pushing her, suffocated by his need, and likely guilty for not wanting sex.
Jon is feeling unwanted, resentful, and embarrassed at his outburst.
None of these are positive emotions and all of them damage attraction and desire.
Jon and his wife are in a downward spiral of negative energy, a negative vortex. The more they’re together, the lower the energy is going to be.
He needs to get out of the house, away from his wife, doing something that revs him up. Preferably with other men.
He needs to build positive energy to combat the black hole that is his marriage right now.
Once he’s built his own positive energy back up, he can move on to the next step.
3. Analyze & Strategize
First off, you must … absolutely must … get strategic about building attraction in your marriage!
Yeah, rejection stings, but you’ve got to completely put away all emotion.
Building attraction in your marriage is a science and a skill, and it’s completely within your control.
Learn the science, apply it, and get all the enthusiastic sex you could ever want.
Women respond to very specific characteristics and behaviors. Your wife is no different.
There’s basically a formula for attraction. Apply the formula and attraction grows.
4. Create a Spiral Plan
For When You’re Turned Down Again
Plan now for the next rejection.
While you are putting all the attraction concepts in place, there is going to be rejection.
Accept this now, and plan for it.
As attraction grows, rejections will diminish, you will start getting enthusiastic responses and believe it or not, you wife will actually start initiating once in a while!
But it’s baby steps for now, which means there will be continued rejections for a while.
A spiral plan is an activity you do when you feel your sexual frustration rising.
For some guys, it’s the gym, for some, it’s a local pub or sports bar. The more intense, the better. The important thing is to have it planned out in advance.
Silent Seething Kills Attraction
That way, when it’s been 5 days of no sex, it’s 9pm, the kids are in bed, and she starts doing that thing where she’s yawning and saying how tired she is, and how all she wants to do is relax …
You hit that split-second where you feel your frustration skyrocket from a 5 to a 9.
That’s the danger point where you typically crack and lose your cool, tanking attraction.
You’re not going to do that this time.
Instead of sitting there silently seething, just let her know you’re going out to do something.
(Yes, she’ll question it and get snippy, but really, who cares? Sex isn’t happening, might as well go have some fun.)
Plus, going to the Magic-Place-of-Out is a great way to increase attraction, so it’s a win-win.
Track Your Frustration
As you get better at this, you’ll catch it earlier. Ideally, you want to put your spiral plan into effect before your frustration hits the boiling point.
Start putting a number to your frustration on a scale of 1-10.
When you hit 6, it’s time to leave the house. That gets you out before you’re climbing the walls and showing desperation, generally displaying low value, thus lowering attraction.
5. Display High Value
To Avoid Being Turned Down Again
The real reason she’s not attracted to you is because in your mind – and thus, in her eyes – you are not the prize.
In your mind, you are not the prize.
Therefore, in her eyes, you are not the prize.
Because you don’t act like the prize, she sees you as lesser.
Someone she can take for granted with impunity.
This is your core truth.
This is your starting point.
You become the prize by putting a high value on yourself. And setting strong boundaries, especially with your wife!
Your wife doesn’t know it, but the truth is that she couldn’t replace you at this point. Not with a man of similar value as you.
But she’s not going to truly recognize that until you internalize it yourself.
Reclaim Your Power
Have a Plan for when You Get Turned Down Again
Okay, it’s time to reclaim your power.
You have the keys to build attraction in your marriage. You now know what attracts women and builds desire.
No more sitting back passively and leaving your fate to circumstance. Proactively take steps to get the marriage and sex life you thought you were getting.
The control is all in your hands.
Start putting these steps into action and reclaim the power and leverage in your marriage.