Wife Never Interested? The Science Behind Female Attraction

Tired of not getting the sex you want? To get the sex and intimacy you crave, you have to understand and leverage what drives female attraction.

Male and female attraction vary so wildly, we might as well be a different species. 

But once you understand the differences, you can leverage the science behind female attraction to get the sex life and connection you crave with your wife!

Here’s what I cover: 

  1. Why ‘women need a reason, while men just need a place’
  2. Why women are so hot and cold when it comes to sex
  3. Why all your previous efforts haven’t worked and how you turn it around

The concepts are simple, but not intuitive. In fact, some of them will be the exact opposite of what you’ve been told!

I give you a step-by-step action plan to build attraction and desire in your marriage – no matter where you’re at now.

Billy Crystal

Women need a reason; men just need a place -Billy Crystal

Women Need a Reason; Men Just Need a Place

Famous words by Billy Crystal, but we all laugh because we recognize the truth behind them. If you’ve been married for any length of time, you’ve seen this play out in your own marriage.

Why, though? Why such a difference in the sexes?

Turns out there’s actually a science behind it.

Men Have Spontaneous Desire; Women Have Responsive Desire

Reason? Men tend to have spontaneous desire; women have something called responsive desire.

man woman divided

 
 Women: 85% Responsive Desire
Men: 75% Spontaneous Desire

Spontaneous desire is desire that springs from seemingly nowhere. It doesn’t need a stimulus or a catalyst. You look down, see you have a penis, and immediately want to use it.

It’s a low-level hum for men that’s almost always hovering just under the surface.

Responsive desire, on the other hand, tends to lie dormant until triggered by … something. Some type of stimulus or catalyst, whether visual, verbal, mental, or physical.

Roughly 75% of men experience spontaneous desire. Vast majority!

In contrast, only about 15% of females feel spontaneous desire, while 85% of women experience mostly responsive desire.

That makes a huge difference in female attraction!

man with collage

They don’t need a reason; they just need a place

woman biting lip

A woman tends to feel responsive desire; her interest must be precipitated by some stimulus

Wow! That’s quite an eye-opener. It explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Testosterone Makes the Difference

In our society, it’s easy to lose sight of the differences in men and women.

We see the obvious physical differences, of course, but we forget that those differences extend far beyond the outer appearance.

baby with umbilical cord

Testosterone Changes Body & Brain

Male babies are flooded with testosterone while still in the womb. They go on to produce about 20 times more testosterone than women do. This has a profound effect on every aspect of their lives, but especially sexuality.

A woman isn’t a man who just happens to have breasts and a vagina.

Our differences extend to the very way our brains are wired.

Is it really so surprising then, that your wife doesn’t experience sexuality the same way you do? She’s not broken, she’s just wired differently than you.

Your wife doesn’t express sexuality the same way you do because … she’s not like you.

 

The Male of the Species is the Sexual Pursuer

In the animal kingdom, it’s typically the male who is the sexual pursuer. However, you can flip the script by messing around with testosterone levels.

Male & Female Attraction – Totally Different Animals

When you inject female rats with testosterone, for example, they become more aggressive, running around trying to jump all the other females.

When you block a male rat’s testosterone production, instead of initiating, the poor guy becomes passive and receptive to the females.

In other words, it’s not your penis that makes the difference … it’s your testosterone.

Okay, men have spontaneous desire, women have responsive desire. How do you hack that biology to get a wife who’s more into you?

Understand that Love is Different than Attraction

Female Attraction: If She Loves Me, Why Doesn’t She Want Sex?

female not attracted

For your wife, love and attraction are not the same thing

For you, love and attraction are basically linked. You love your wife, so you want to jump into bed with her.

For women, it’s different. Love and attraction don’t always go hand-in-hand. The fact is that your wife can love you very much, but still not want sex with you. For your wife, love and attraction are not the same thing.

How do you build attraction and trigger her responsive desire? You’ve been trying to do just that for years with no success. In fact, attraction and desire have reached an all-time low in your marriage. Why is that?

It’s because you are focusing all your efforts in the wrong area. 

The 3 Systems at Play in Your Marriage – Connected, but Separate

Okay, a little bit of science around sexual relationships.

love systems

When it comes to romantic love, there are not one, but three separate love systems at play

When it comes to romantic love, it’s not one system, but actually three separate systems in play.

  1. Attraction System (powered by dopamine & norepinephrine)
  2. Comfort System (powered by oxytocin & vasopressin)
  3. Libido System (powered by testosterone and estrogen)

The three systems are powered by different hormones and neurotransmitters and create different emotions and behaviors. They’re related, yet separate, and can act either together or independently.

Dr. Helen Fisher has conducted fascinating research identifying and defining these love systems.

1. The Attraction System

When you first fall for someone, attraction is high. You’re excited just to be together. And wow, the sex flows. Dopamine is high, you’re a god, and it’s all effortless. You assume it’s going to stay that way.

That’s the Attraction system. Dopamine, novelty, excitement, uncertainty, challenge, motivation, and reward.

Dopamine up

But then, life happens. The novelty fades, dopamine drops, and the two of you get more comfortable.

2. The Comfort System

In contrast to dopamine, oxytocin causes you to bond, trust, and feel comfortable with your partner.

Powered by the hormone oxytocin, the Comfort system involves feelings of trust, calm, security, and affection.Cleaning the garage together, snuggling up under a blanket and watching TV together … that’s oxytocin at work.

Oxytocin up  Dopamine down  Good for snuggles and cuddles, not so much for wild and crazy sex.

3. The Libido System

The Libido system is just straight up sex drive, independent of who your partner is or whether you even have a partner. It’s driven almost entirely by the sex hormones.

Even if Oxytocin is up  AND Dopamine is up ; if hormones are off, then nothing’s happening in the bedroom.

the 3 systems

The 3 Systems: Attraction, Comfort and Libido

Three Systems

Operating Together to Impact Female Attraction & Desire

These three systems operate together, but they’re also independent.

mother breastfeeding

Hormonal changes can lower general libido, even when Attraction & Oxytocin are high

You can feel attraction for someone you don’t love …

and you can love someone deeply, yet still not feel attracted to them.

And there’s also the case where you can have a deep attachment to your partner and even have high attraction for them … 

but if your general sex drive is damaged in some way … say because of breastfeeding a baby with its resulting elevation in prolactin or menopause with its attendant drop in sex hormones … you will still not want sex.

The Science of Female Attraction

Okay, that gives you the quick science background behind female desire. Very few people, male or female, understand the dynamics of what’s really shaping female attraction and desire, and it’s taken a huge toll on marriage.

Armed with this awareness, you’re all set to build attraction in your marriage and build a better sex life!

Next up, the three key factors that universally increase female attraction, and the #1 driver of female desire.