The real reason she’s not attracted to you is because in your mind – and thus, in her eyes – you are not the prize.
I’m going to pause for a sec to let that sink in.
In your mind, you are not the prize.
Therefore, in her eyes, you are not the prize.
Because you don’t act like the prize, she sees you as lesser.
Someone she can take for granted with impunity.
This is your core truth.
This is your starting point.
Married 20 years, 3 kids
Tim came to me because, bluntly, he wanted more sex with his wife.
More sex and better sex.
They were down to 1-2 times a month, it was boring as hell, and he felt like she was just doing him a favor.
Tim’s an attractive guy – smart, financially successful, not overweight (but not muscular).
Always willing to help around the house.
But … no outside interests, no time with guy friends, no passions of his own, no … well, let’s just say … very Amazon basic.
To understand the real reason she’s not attracted, you have to look at Tim’s interactions with his wife.
They consisted mostly of him trying to please her and not piss her off, because, you know, she holds the keys to sex and intimacy in her lily-white hands.
And he was the supplicant kneeling at her feet, waiting for her to bestow her bounteous favors.
It wasn’t working well for him.
The ‘Hotter’ One Has All the Leverage
Here’s a harsh truth.
In any pairing, there’s a ‘hotter’ partner, based on an attractiveness ‘hierarchy scale’.
That hotter partner has all the leverage.
If the hotter partner is the woman, she will never want hot sex with her less-hot partner.
No matter how much she loves him.
She will always be semi-reluctant.
That’s how the attractiveness hierarchy scale works.
Hierarchy Scale Explained –
The Real Reason She’s Not Attracted
When you first met your wife and started having sex with her, you were unquestionably the hotter one in her eyes.
How do I know?
Well, because a woman won’t have sex with someone lower than herself on the hierarchy scale – not unless she’s ovulating or drinking copious amounts of alcohol.
(The same isn’t necessarily true for men. A guy, with no better options available, may date and sleep with a woman well below himself on the hierarchy, but he won’t commit to her or marry her.)
So, when you met your wife and dated, she had sex with you because in her eyes, your status (or potential status) was higher than hers.
But that means something different than you may think. In a woman’s eyes, it’s not all, or even primarily, about your appearance.
‘Hotter’ Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Means
Guys tend to have a misperception of what’s hot to a woman.
For you, when you look at women, ‘hotter’ means just what it sounds like. She’s physically attractive and has a pleasing figure.
Not the case when it comes to female attraction, though. They have a whole different scale!
This surprises a lot of guys, but a man’s place on the hierarchy scale doesn’t have all that much to do with his looks.
Instead, it has to do with his personal energy …
- ✧ His intelligence
- ✧ His confidence
- ✧ His boldness
- ✧ His willingness to do hard things
- ✧ His ‘grit’, for lack of a better word
It’s about his willingness to put a high value on himself. And his ability to set strong boundaries, especially with his wife!
(It’s also about how muscular he is. Don’t underestimate that component. Along with the confidence that comes from being physically strong.)
You can actually be quite homely, but if you rank high in all those other areas, women become immensely attracted to you.
Attraction Lies in the Micro-Interactions
So, why did she view you as the hotter partner in the beginning, and how and when did that change?
Now, we’re getting to the meat of it.
Attraction lies in the thousands of micro-interactions two people have every day.
The real reason she’s not attracted is because of those daily micro-interactions.
You communicate your place on the hierarchy ladder with every look, vocal intonation, gesture, body position, and action you make.
Somewhere along the road, you started communicating that you were a lower-value partner than she is.
You did this when you started orbiting her like she’s the earth and you’re the moon.
You did this when you gave up all your friends and activities to ‘spend time with the family’.
You did it when she trampled all over a boundary that first time and instead of confronting her, you shoved all your anger and resentment down.
Most likely because you wanted sex that night.
(Or, possibly, depending on your childhood, because you hate conflict.)
Either way, it was lethal.
The decline of attraction had begun.
And every passive interaction after that where you inadvertently displayed low value simply eroded attraction even further.
So, how to turn it around at this late date?
Is it even possible?
Perceived vs. Actual Rank
Yes! It’s definitely possible!
Attraction really is infinitely malleable.
Here’s what you need to know.
Actual rank on the hierarchy scale doesn’t really mean much.
Perceived rank, on the other hand, means everything!
You look at yourself and you think …
“I’m fairly attractive, not crazy obese, I work out once in a while, get some runs in here and there.
I’m smart, I make good money, I’m a good provider. I pull my weight around the house.
What’s not to like? I’m at least a 7.”
Here’s the deal, though. You don’t act like a 7.
In your daily interactions, you treat her like she’s a 9, and you’re a 5.
- ✧ You try to please her.
✧ You’re at her beck and call.
✧ You let her call most of the shots.
✧ You avoid conflict with her.
✧ You accept her endless criticisms stoically.
✧ You act all ‘jokey’ with her while she rolls her eyes.
✧ You complain a lot about the lack of sex and intimacy.
✧ You silently seethe but you don’t directly confront.
You pride yourself that you ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’, but honestly, the small stuff is where you gain the most traction.
These are not the actions of a man who realizes his own high value.
And no way you would have done this with her when you first met her.
Can you see how far you’ve fallen?
Your actions have cemented in her mind that she’s the higher value partner. Her lack of interest follows this belief.
Even if you’re a perfect 10, when you act like a 5, in her eyes, you become a 5.
You’re both swallowed up by a self-reinforcing false paradigm. You have to break that cycle!
Start Displaying High Value
So, what to do?
Because this is a battle of the mind, you have to win the battle in your own mind first!
You do this not with mental pep talks (you can’t fix the mind with the mind), but instead by taking action.
Taking the right actions is the only way to change neural pathways.
1st Step – Recognize the Behavior
The 1st thing to do is simply recognize what’s going on. You need to leave your state of ‘unconscious incompetence’ and enter ‘conscious incompetence’.
2nd Step – Join a Gym
Join a gym.
No, seriously! Join a gym!
Working out at home doesn’t cut it. It’s not going to give you what you need.
And I know, she’s going to fuss about you taking that time for yourself ‘away from the family’.
What’s she going to do? Cut off sex?
Already happened. Honestly, you don’t have much to lose!
But more importantly, being muscular and able to physically defend yourself gives you more confidence than any single other thing you can do. (Other than maybe owning your own personal airplane. Even then, it’s a toss-up!)
3rd Step – Make a Dating Profile
Make a dating profile.
But not to put on a dating site! I’m a marriage advocate, remember?
What it will do is help you see objectively how much you’ve limited your life. How small your world has gotten.
You need to see on paper (or screen) where the gaps in your life are. What you need to add to make your world bigger.
It also serves the dual purpose of helping you see all the positive things you have to offer.
Because honestly, she doesn’t know it, but your wife couldn’t replace you at this point. Not with a man of similar value as you.
But she’s not going to truly recognize that until you internalize it yourself.
Making a dating profile can help you realize that if you were truly dating again, you might not even ask your wife out for a first date, much less a second. You need to take off those husband goggles and see reality for what it is.
Then, you become that high-value man who’s with his wife not because he has to be – because he has no better options – but rather because he wants to be with her.
That’s the game-changer right there.
4th Step – Get Out of the House
Start going out once a week. Find some buddies, join a meet-up group, go listen to some live music, go by yourself if you have to, whatever it is, go do it.
And no, your wife isn’t going to be happy. I get it.
But refer back to the above.
What does it matter if she’s not happy? You’re not currently happy with the status quo. And the only way to change the status quo is to change your life.
All of this will lead you to the most important step of all … the ability to change the daily interactions with your wife that are decimating attraction in your marriage.
I’ll cover that in depth in a future article, but if you’ll do the previous 4 steps, it will put you in a very good position to display the high value that changes your perceived rank in your eyes – as well as hers. This is crucial for building attraction and getting the sex you want – both quantity and quality!
Tim’s Happy Ending
Hasn’t happened, yet.
He’s been making a ton of changes … joined a gym, started going out with his guy friends more, is taking on more leadership around the house, doesn’t cater to his wife quite so much.
And he’s seeing a difference in his relationship with his wife.
But old habits die hard. Tim is also realizing that he is still doing a lot of this ‘for her’, to impress her, to get her attention.
And of course, that’s the antithesis of what he wants.
So, he still has a way to go.
But he’s quite intelligent and determined. He’s going to get there!
And respect himself so much better in the process!