She’s Pulled Away Sexually? Worst Possible Thing You Can Do!

Are you concerned that she’s pulled away sexually? Does it seem like she’s gradually lost her interest in you in general, and especially in the bedroom?

What has your reaction been? And has it turned the situation around?

In fact, what do you feel was the reason she pulled away to begin with?

Your first inclination is probably to sit her down and talk about it,

But that’s absolutely the worst possible thing you can do.

In today’s article, I want to talk to you about what to do when she pulls away sexually … and more importantly, what NOT to do!

Because when she pulls away, the thing your brain most WANTS you to do is the thing you least NEED to do to get your marriage and sex life back on track.

3-Part Pattern

When She’s Pulled Away Sexually

I’m going to share a quick story with you about someone whose wife pulled away sexually and how he reacted, and then I want to show you a really common 3-part pattern that happens when she pulls away, both in … and out … of the bedroom.

See if your own pattern aligns to this and whether you’re repeating the same pattern over and over again … with the same disappointing results.

Is Asserting Reasonable Boundaries Always a Good Thing?

When She’s Pulled Away Sexually

So, what’s the deal with that?

After all, everyone talks about how setting reasonable boundaries in relationships is a good thing, right?

But when Dan asserted a reasonable boundary … simply that being married should involve having sex with your wife … (which seems like a pretty fair framework) …

It all blew up in his face, leaving him worse off than when he started.

He’s giving a lot more than he’s getting.

This is the point where Dan reached out to me, asking, “What did I do wrong here? Why isn’t it okay for me to tell her I want sex with her? How do we move forward from this?”

There’s a 3-part pattern that happens in a marriage when one partner (usually the man) wants sex more than his wife that inevitably ends with him not getting what he wants.

Part 1. He Becomes Hyper-Focused on Her

The first part is that he becomes hyper-focused on his wife. He drops his interests and his hobbies to spend more time with her. He makes his world smaller and smaller, gradually losing the very qualities that made him attractive to her in the first place.

This is what happened with Dan.

When he first met Nica, Dan had a ton of friends and activities. He rode his motorcycle, he tinkered with his truck, he hung out with his buds.

He loved his job and had a sense of mission in pursuing his career, which was a huge turn-on for Nica.

Nica was a wonderful addition to an already-interesting life, but she wasn’t the be-all, end-all.

That all changed as he gradually discarded one thing after another, until all that was left was work & family.

He Starts Over-Valuing Her

Once he did this, Nica became his whole world, and he started over-valuing her. When you over-value somebody, you tend to put them on a pedestal.

They assume undue importance in your life. You put up with way too much. You lose your boundaries.

You start giving a lot more than you’re getting.

Part 2. He Starts Giving Way Too Much

The second part of the pattern is where you start giving way more than she’s giving.

Giving more than you get sounds like a great, noble thing to do.

In theory.

However, human nature is kind of funny.

In real life, when someone keeps giving you way more than you give back, you actually don’t value that.

When you put her on a pedestal, she has no choice but to look down on you.

You start feeling uncomfortable and a lot of times, you end up feeling disdain for the one who’s over-giving.

Being on this pedestal meant Nica started looking down on Dan. Some subtle disrespect crept into their interactions; nothing huge, just a slight sense of not valuing Dan as much.

She had the sense that she didn’t have to care about his needs or his boundaries. He wanted her a lot more than she wanted him, and the more he tried to get close, the less she wanted to.

All of this hyper-focus which Dan thought would improve his marriage only served to lower his value in Nica’s eyes.

The more Dan gave, the less he got.

Does this sound familiar? Is this a pattern you’ve seen in your marriage?

Part 3.  He Asserts Boundaries without Leverage

When She’s Pulled Away Sexually

Now, here’s the 3rd part of the pattern.

As Nica became colder and less interested, Dan started feeling really resentful. He felt out of control with his sex life and getting his emotional needs met.

So he tries to exert control in the wrong way, by setting this boundary with her. The problem is that it comes across as desperation. There’s this sense of, “I want you, but I can’t get you, so I’m going to try to control you.”

The problem is that Dan is trying to make demands at a time where he doesn’t have much leverage with Nica. She’s content with the status quo. He’s the one who wants more time and more intimacy from her.

His demands come across to Nica as insecure and needy.

You Need Leverage to Make Demands

This may sound cold or transactional, but the truth is that in life, when you want something from someone, you have to have enough leverage for them to reciprocate. They have to want something from you.

In this case, Nica doesn’t want or need anything from Dan because he has given so freely that he lowered his value in her eyes.

That’s the part that has to change.

How to Turn It Back Around

When She’s Pulled Away Sexually

You need leverage to get what you want.

In order to successfully ask for something from your wife, she has to really want something from you in that moment. She has to want your time or your attention or your touch. 

That’s the right time to ask for something or to set boundaries. But if you don’t have leverage, there’s no point asking. In fact, asking when you have no leverage only further lowers her respect and attraction.

So, in that moment, what could Dan have done differently?

Well, ultimately, if Dan feels like he’s giving way more than his wife, that’s the time he needs to do the opposite of what he’s currently doing.

It’s counter-intuitive, but he needs to step back.

He needs to make his world bigger and rediscover the things that made him attractive to her in the first place.

He needs to start hanging out with his friends again and keep pursuing a sense of mission and purpose.

She needs to feel his loss so that she reaches out to him.

That’s the time Dan can successfully set his boundaries with her.

When you do this, your wife will probably question what’s going on. That’s when you need to be honest and let her know the current dynamics aren’t fun for you and you need to branch out.

The Only Successful Path Forward – Build Leverage

When She’s Pulled Away Sexually

You need leverage to get what you want.

If Dan wants any chance of pulling Nica closer, he has to reverse this pattern and this dynamic. He has to lessen his hyper-focus on her and shift his focus to the things that bring him positive energy and flow. 

He needs to invest in her at a closer level to her investment in him.

When she sees him as someone to be valued and she wants more of Dan in her life, that’s the time Dan has the leverage to make an ask of her.

Until then, attempting to ‘set reasonable boundaries’ is only going to backfire and lessen her interest and regard even further.

Build the leverage you need before you make your asks.

If you want to know more about how to build enough attraction that you have the leverage necessary to get your needs met, here’s your starting point.

If you want to fast-track your progress and take a look at those micro-interactions that are lowering attraction, give me a shout and we’ll see where it’s going wrong.

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