What to do when you suddenly realize you don’t like your wife.
Believe it or not, this is the best possible moment. This is where you change your marriage for the better.
38, married 5 years, no kids
“She’s the hottest girl I’ve ever dated, but I’m realizing now that I really just don’t like her.
I think I made a huge mistake when I married her.”
Jay and Tanya had a tumultuous relationship.
When they were dating, it was on again, off again, over and over.
Sex would get bad, so Jay would break up.
He’d have sex with other women, but then ….
Tanya was just so damned hot!
She’d call him up, he’d come running, and sex would be amaaaazing …
For a week. Maybe 2.
Then back to the status quo.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Marrying the Hot Girl
He eventually married her.
Because, see above ⬆ … hottest girl he ever dated.
And now he regrets it.
He realizes now that he just doesn’t like her much.
She can still be sweet sometimes, but often comes across as critical and dissatisfied, often to the point of rudeness.
A little lazy … and a lot superficial.
And sex has pretty much disappeared again.
He wants to know if there’s any hope.
Either for better sex, or even for her to be a basically decent human being.
Any hope, that is.
You realize you don’t like your wife. Can you salvage this?
Is it fixable?
Yes. But not by acting directly on your wife.
You can’t change her behavior directly, but …
If your wife is a normal human being and doesn’t have a diagnosable personality disorder, it is completely possible to act in ways that will motivate her to change her behavior.
But ONLY by changing your own.
It’s Your Own Damned Fault
1st thing I’m going to say, and you’re not going to like it.
If you don’t like your wife, stop blaming her.
It’s your own fault.
Before you let out loud wolf howls, hold on.
Here’s the deal.
Everyone acts up to … or down to … their partner’s standards.
She’s Rude to You because She Can Be
Don’t Like Your Wife? Learn to Train Raptors
I’m always amazed at the number of men who let their wife get away with murder.
The heart of it is a lack of respect.
When he fails to set boundaries, she walks all over him.
He sees it as him being easy-going.
She sees it as a display of weakness.
Women are kind of like those velociraptors in Jurassic Park.
They are wired to continually probe for weakness in their man. There are survival reasons behind this I’ll cover in a later article, but suffice to say, this characteristic is a feature, not a bug.
Some women are nicer about it, some women are nasty about it, depending on their individual temperament, but all women share this feature.
A woman has to ascertain that you are strong enough to protect and provide before her brain allows her to want sex.
When You Put Her on a Pedestal, She Has No Choice but to Look Down on You
You keep putting your wife on a pedestal.
You keep accepting bad behavior. You treat her like a princess.
Well, then …
Why so surprised when she treats you like a serf? Isn’t that what a princess is meant to do?
(And by the way, if you call your wife ‘princess’ with anything less than complete sarcasm, you’ve got to stop.)
Respect & Attraction Cycle
Here’s the vicious cycle I see all the time in long-term marriages, heck, even in short-term relationships.
- You don’t set boundaries … so she loses respect.
- She doesn’t respect you … so she loses attraction.
- She loses attraction … so there’s less sex.
- There’s less sex … so you try harder.
- You try harder … so she loses respect.
And on it goes.
- Less respect = Less attraction
- Less attraction = Less sex
- Less sex = Less Connection
- Less connection = Marriage in trouble
Strong Boundaries = More Respect = Great Sex
The path to good sex lies in you setting strong boundaries with your wife.
This is a little-known truth of sex.
Respect comes before sex.
Indeed, respect is the foundation of good sex.
The minute you accept bad behavior from your wife is the minute that respect starts to erode.
It’s a hop, skip, and jump from there to a dead bedroom.
If you don’t like your wife because of her bad behavior, then stop accepting bad behavior.
It’s really just this simple.
To get great sex, you have to take the unsexy step of setting strong boundaries with your wife.
No, it’s not fun, sometimes it’s a little scary, sometimes it’s simply tedious.
But the stronger your boundaries, the more you see her respect … and thus attraction … grow.
Respect is THE Female Aphrodisiac
It’s really an amazing phenomenon to watch.
Interesting Aside: Nothing new under the sun. Look back at the 1920’s.
Take Back the Keys to Your Sex Life
You Don’t Like Your Wife because You Gave Her Your Power
One reason you don’t like your wife is because you feel like she has all the power. She holds the keys to sex, touch, intimacy, fun, and peace.
But she only holds those keys because you handed them over.
You just have to start taking them back. And you’re the only one who can.
Here’s Where You Start
- Be less agreeable (it’s not a virtue, not matter what you tell yourself).
- Set strong boundaries.
- Stop seeking her approval.
- Stop being her sugar daddy (put her on a budget).
- Work out in a gym (must be in a gym with other men).
- Go have fun without your wife.
- Make your world bigger so she’s not your everything.
So, what about Jay? Did he ever get the respect and sex he wanted and deserved?
It’s a work in progress, but once he stopped catering to his wife … once he stopped posturing … once he openly addressed conflict and resentments … the whole landscape shifted in his marriage.
His wife started trusting him to make decisions instead of nit picking every detail to death. She accepted that it was completely okay for him to go out with his buddies every week. She started respecting his work hours instead of interrupting him every three seconds to do something for her.
And sex got better. A whole lot better!
She’s happier. He’s happier. And there’s a lot more peace in their home.