Dominance, Really?

Parts One and Two.

“I don’t get it. My wife is attracted by dominant behavior? MY wife? You don’t understand, my wife isn’t like that. She’s very quiet, she’s very shy. She’d kill me if I tried any of this dominance stuff in the bedroom.

What IS dominance, anyway? Whips and chains or what?”

Multiple studies have confirmed that women are strongly attracted to dominant males. There are numerous theories presented as to why this is, the most popular one being that it was a survival advantage for a woman to mate with the strongest male of the group and doing so gave her and her offspring a better chance to stay alive. Be that as it may, it’s no coincidence that 50 Shades of Grey, with its dominant male character,  sold  over 90 million copies, mostly to women, and set the record as the fastest-selling paperback of all time.

So you know women are attracted to dominant behavior in men. You might even understand why. But you can’t quite figure out how to get there. You want to try to be more dominant in your marriage, but you’d feel like an idiot to suddenly become a jerk who orders his wife around. Is that what she really wants?

You don’t have to be a jerk in order to be dominant with your wife. Dominance is a matter of confident, decisive leadership. It’s more about your internal frame than anything else. For most guys, it’s simply taking charge of what happens instead of constantly looking to your wife for cues on what you should do.

IMPORTANT: Before I get into specifics, a caveat. If there is no baseline attraction in your marriage at the moment, none of this stuff is going to work for you. If you haven’t had sex with your wife in six months and she turns pale whenever you mention the word, this post isn’t going to help you. Instead, stop reading and work on fixing the basic structural issues in your marriage. But for those guys who already have a good sex life with their wives, and have a strong foundation of trust, but are wanting to ramp it up, read on….

Stop talking to your wife about sex. You are never going to talk her into attraction, you are never going to talk her into letting out her Bad Girl. I know it seems logical to try to reason with her, to ask her why she’s not more attracted, but talking about it isn’t going to give you any insight and is actually going to make her less attracted. Sexual attraction resides in the primal portions of our brain, talking to the cognitive part of her brain isn’t going to increase her attraction.

Don’t ask her why she’s not more attracted, don’t ask her what you can do to get her more attracted, don’t ask her what she wants in the bedroom. Many women simply have no idea what makes them tick. In fact, they sometimes understand their own sexuality less than you do. Increasing attraction takes actions, not words. I mean, really. Can you picture Clint Eastwood having a long ‘relationship talk’ with his girlfriend about why she doesn’t want more sex with him?

Have a plan. Don’t go into the bedroom clueless about how you want it to play out. In your mind, have a plan for what you want to do. You need to be flexible, obviously, but have a rough idea of where you want the encounter to go. Don’t look to her for direction or instructions. Decisive action and knowing what you want are key.

Clearly initiate with your wife. Soft initiations are a huge turn-off for most women. You know the kind I’m talking about, where you timidly rub her hip and ask her, “Um …. you know, it’s Saturday, um …. and we haven’t um …. done it ….. in a long time. So ….. you …. um ….  wanna?” Don’t be that guy.

You are not a passive supplicant worshipping at the throne of the Goddess asking her for favors. You are a man who does what he wants with the woman who wants him. You want her, you’re not ashamed of wanting her and you have no fear about letting her know that.

Guide the action. Women are attracted to men who take charge in the bedroom. If you want her in a certain position, then put her there. Flip her over, move her body the way you want it to go. Don’t be squishy about it, either. Pose her in the positions that turn you on. Keep track of her body language to see what works for her.

Use Dirty Talk. Before you can bring out her Bad Girl, you’ve got to get comfortable with your Bad Boy. Bad Boys never say ‘down there’ or my ‘thing’. If you still stutter and stammer when you use four-letter words, you’ve got to stop. It’s an immediate turn-off for women. Practice in front of the mirror if you need to. It may feel awkward at first to use graphic language, but you’ll be surprised at how quickly it becomes your new norm. And ….. it’s really sexy.

Please yourself. Now, this one may sound counter-intuitive, because so often the focus is on men who are selfish in the bedroom, but with recovering ‘Nice Guys’, it’s usually just the opposite. Most nice guys spend so much time trying to get their wife to an orgasm, that they put huge pressure on her. The pressure turns off her sexuality. Instead, do the things that turn you on. Get lost in the moment and in the pleasure of her body. If she wants an orgasm, sure, help her get there, but don’t get so caught up in her pleasure that you don’t feel your own. Primal desire in a man is attractive to women. Let her feel your desire and your pleasure.

Okay, this post is getting a bit long-winded, so I’ll wrap it up here. Later, I’ll cover some specific actions you can take to increase your dominance in the bedroom.

Continued in Part 4.