Building on the ideas from Part 1.
While women need and crave dominance from their man in order to feel attracted, many men find themselves incapable of acting in ways that attract their woman. I frequently talk to men who are completely frustrated by this aspect of their personality, but can’t figure out how to change it.
If you’re a man reading this who is struggling with this whole idea of your woman needing dominance from you in order to feel sexually attracted, there are a few things you need to know.
Attraction has very little to do with love. Your wife can love you with all her heart and yet not feel sexually attracted to you. I know. That blows your mind, doesn’t it? Read it again. I’ll wait.
Your wife can love you with all her heart and yet not feel sexually attracted to you. It’s hard for you to wrap your head around this, especially if you’re a ‘nice guy’. Because for you …….. Love = Attraction. You love your wife and you want sex with her. These two things are inseparable for you.
Women are different than men. Whereas men tend to have spontaneous desire, women tend to have more responsive desire. Like a fire that’s banked and needs to be coaxed into flames. But a lot of times, you don’t know how to provide the spark to light the fire inside her. You’ve tried extended foreplay, you’ve tried massage, you’ve tried improving your oral sex techniques. Sometimes some combination of magic will finally get her there, but oh my gosh, it takes forever, and she never seems really into it. You wonder if she’s truly enjoying it the same way you do or if she just tolerates it for your sake.
What is the key to lighting that fire in your wife? How do you bring out her Inner Bad Girl?
The answer to that is that you can’t find your wife’s Bad Girl until you become a Bad Boy. And being a Bad Boy is all about dominance.
Attraction isn’t a choice. That’s another one that’s tough for Nice Guys to realize. Your wife can make herself have sex with you, but she can’t make herself want to have sex with you. You need to stop blaming her for her lack of attraction and learn to do the things that attract her.
When you look at a woman with a pretty face and a gorgeous body, you feel attracted. You don’t ask to be attracted, it just happens. You can’t will yourself to be attracted to the 300 pound woman with a butch haircut you see on the street. You can no more change this fact than you can change the color of your eyes.
In the same way, your wife is attracted to dominant behavior in men. She can’t control this attraction, although she can control what she does about it. Just as the female lion responds to the male lion’s dominance in the pride, so your wife is wired to respond to your dominance. It’s a feature, not a bug.
Being dominant with your wife doesn’t make you a rapist. It also doesn’t mean that you don’t respect her. Repeatedly insisting on making her the leader in your marriage and in your bedroom isn’t being respectful; it’s just putting a burden on your wife that she never wanted and never asked for. It’s more about your own insecurities than it is about looking out for her needs.
Craving dominance from you doesn’t make your wife a slut. It also doesn’t mean that she wants you to choke her and put a collar on her. For most women, there’s a limit to how much dominance they want and need from their man. I talk to a lot of guys who are afraid of showing dominance because when they hear that word, they think of whips and chains. That’s not what dominance is about. Dominance just means that you show leadership and confidence with your wife.
Being dominant doesn’t mean you have to be like the dirt bag jerk you hated in high school. It doesn’t mean you have to be Christian Grey from 50 Shades. You don’t have to be rich, you don’t have to be buff, you don’t have to be a good athlete, you don’t have to drive a great car; although all those things help. Being dominant is a state of mind; it’s an inner confidence in who you are.
You know you need to be dominant in your marriage. You want to be dominant. You’ve tried to be dominant.
But you feel like an idiot. You know you’re pretending and she knows you’re pretending. How do you get past that feeling of being an imposter?