My husband is so passive during sex. I want him to ramp it up a bit, hold me down and have his way with me.
I’ve tried to tell him, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. What can I do to get him to up the ante? Why can’t he just get it?”
Your husband has a hard time being more dominant in the bedroom because he’s been taught for years that being sexually aggressive is wrong. All his life, he’s been taught to not hurt girls, to scale back his naturally superior strength and his aggression.
He’s believed all his life that women are fragile and vulnerable and must be treated with respect and put on a pedestal. When you tell him that you want him to throw you on the bed and take you hard, it boggles his mind.
The wife and mother of his children wants something different than slow, tender sex? That just seems wrong to him. All of a sudden, you are a different person than he thought he knew. Can you see how this would be scary to him at first?
What we as women have to understand is that us wanting more dominant sex from our husband seems to him like an attack on his very masculinity. They don’t hear it as “I want you to do this,” they hear it as “You are not a man. You are inadequate. You are not good enough.”
He thinks, “That’s not who I am. I’m not like all those other guys who can do that stuff for her.” And deep down, he gets angry. Angry at himself for not being the man you want him to be. And angry at you for wanting more than he can give.
He doesn’t feel up to the task. Picture your husband suddenly telling you that what turns him on is you having huge, porn star boobs. But you don’t; your boobs are quite nice, but they’re fairly modest. And then he tells you that actually, he’s been turned on by huge, porn star boobs for a long time. How would you feel? Inadequate, right? And maybe afraid that he will eventually leave you for some floozy with big ole porn star boobs.
That’s how your husband feels when you tell him that you want him to be more dominant. Because, to him, becoming that dominant guy who can flip his woman around on the bed and tell her what to do is as out of his reach as having big, porn star boobs is for you. And there’s that small voice inside him that tells him that eventually you’re going to get tired of it and leave him.
So, what do you do? Accept the passive, wimpy sex that’s slowly turning off your attraction for him?
What it’s going to take to help him is some very honest, very gentle communication. Frequent communication. This is not going to be a one conversation deal. Yes, I know you wish it were. I know it’s hard for you to talk about this stuff with him. I know you wish he would just get it. But he won’t. He can’t. If you want things to change, you’re going to have to go outside your comfort zone in the same way you’re asking him to.
You’re going to have to be specific and for the first little bit, you’re going to have to lead him. Yes, I get that it’s a buzz kill, that you’re wanting him to lead you, to dominate you, and the idea of leading him is a turn-off.
Think of it like this. When you first learned how to ride a bike, you had no idea how to do it. Someone described it to you, but the idea of actually getting on that bike and taking off was terrifying. Because … oh my gosh, what if I fall? What if I get hurt? What if I wreck the bike?
That’s how your guy is feeling. So to get around all of those fears, you give him training wheels until he learns how to ride the bike. Gradually, he’ll take off the training wheels and eventually, he’ll actually be riding with no hands. But it takes time. And practice.
How does that look in real life?
First, you are going to have to talk to him about what you want. Start small. The next time you have sex, ask him to put your arms over your head and hold them there. That’s it. That’s enough for the first time. Let him know how much you like it by the way you move, the sounds you make, etc. Yes, I know you’re feeling impatient because you want more, more, more. Try to control your urge to stab him in the eye because he does it so tentatively. Be patient. It will all come with time. Next time, you can add another step.
Most of all, when he gets it wrong … and he inevitably will sooner or later … don’t make a big deal of it. This is a game. You learn by doing. As long as he’s pushing his own boundaries … and yours … he is sure to stumble once in a while. Let it go. Don’t talk about it in the moment. Later on, you can have a conversation about it, but for now, don’t interrupt the flow. Give him positive affirmation every time he makes an attempt at expanding your boundaries. Eventually, this will all come more easily.
Conversation with a Former Nice Guy
Here’s a short interview I did with him to give you a perspective into the mind of a ‘nice guy’….
Me What finally turned the tide for you and helped you get over your hang-ups about being dominant?
Him Talking about it with my wife and her telling me that it was something she really wanted. That me being a Bad Boy let her be a Bad Girl. That she couldn’t get there on her own without me leading it.
Me What fears kept you from being dominant?
Him The fear that I would escalate … like a drug … that I’d need more and more in order to be satisfied. Would it lead to me wanting to use whips and chains and hurting her? If I tie her up, am I going to want more at some point. She’s my wife. I would never want to hurt her.
Me What calmed your fears about that?
Him Her telling me that she had boundaries, that there are limits about what she would be willing to do. That she didn’t want to be hurt or have threesomes or crazy shit like that. No whips, no chains., no nutty stuff. Discussing hard limits helped and I realized that our hard limits are pretty much the same.
Me Why did the idea of being sexually dominant scare you?
Him Even though it was a turn-on to me, I felt like it was degrading to her. I couldn’t really believe that women like to be dominated. It’s so different from what I like, that it’s hard to understand why women like it. But they do. I still don’t understand it, but it works. For both of us. I like dominating her, she likes being dominated. It’s a win/win.