Something I often see in coaching is a guy’s total bewilderment at his wife’s attraction … or lack of attraction.
See if this describes you …
Your wife runs hot and cold for seemingly no reason. You are mystified and frustrated at the random game of attraction that goes on in your house all the time. The same behaviors that elicit a response one day, get a cold shoulder the next. And you have no earthly idea of what drives all this. Sound familiar?
One analogy that has proven helpful in coaching is the concept of the Attraction Bucket.
Each woman has an Attraction Bucket that needs to get to a certain level before she’s attracted. Every leadership behavior you add fills the bucket a little more. Add enough leadership so that the bucket reaches a certain line, and bingo, suddenly, seemingly magically, your wife is into you again. Hot, wild sex with no apparent effort. Yowsa! You’ve finally figured her out.
Of course, we all know what happens in real life. A few days later, it’s back to the baseline, and you’re left wondering where that wild, wanton woman went.
So, what happened?
Evaporation.
The attraction in the bucket evaporates over time just like water. It’s cumulative to a certain extent, but you need to keep adding to the bucket on an on-going basis.
How do you add to the bucket?
The majority of women are attracted to the same basic qualities in a man …. confidence, decisiveness, strength. A man who’s not swayed by her moods and her emotions. A man who doesn’t orbit her like a needy child. A man who has his own passions and interests. A man who doesn’t endlessly whine and complain. A man with positive flowing energy.
So, there are basic things you’re going to need to do. You need to get to the gym and get in shape. You need to get your finances in order. You need to have interests outside your wife. You need to be confident about decisions you make for yourself and your family. These are the foundation for filling her bucket.
But what if you’ve already got your structural stuff taken care of and you’re still not seeing the attraction you want?
Quite often, what I see in coaching is that more than anything else, it’s the little daily interactions that are killing attraction. Clients who have all their structural elements in place …. house, physical fitness, career, finances …. but are nuking their wife’s attraction by continual shows of weakness in their day-to-day interactions.
Okay, that all sounds good, but what does that look like in real life? How do I apply this to my marriage?
From talking with men who are trying to put all this into action, I know that it’s sometimes difficult to take a theoretical concept like the Attraction Bucket and actually put it into practice in your own marriage. My next post will contain some real life examples of daily interactions that kill attraction and how to fix them.
Hi, I’m Rebecca Watson. Author, Researcher, and Marriage & Attraction Consultant.
Hi Rebecca,
First, thanks for your articles which really make a lot of sense and relate to a lot of situations men encounter in marriage and finally point towards a diagnostics and solution.
Lots of advice on the website have the prerequisite that the woman should already be attracted. Can you please help and give clues on how would I know if my wife is attracted and how to judge the level of attractivness (eg low, medium or high)?
Thanks
Kad
@Kad —
That’s a really good question. One that takes a bit of space to answer, but a quick rundown:
Does she deep-kiss you?
Does she respect you? or Does she show contempt for you?
Does she talk you down to her girlfriends?
Will she get naked in front of you?
Does she initiate touch?
Who’s the leader in the marriage?
Quantity & quality of sex?
The answers to those questions will give you a pretty clear picture of her attraction levels.
Rebecca
Hi Rebecca, there are some great posts here. I’ve thing I would like to know in relation to filling my wife’s attraction bucket is how to do it when she is totally disinterested and is on the fence about leaving the marriage!
Thanks
@Fred —
The good thing is that attraction is primal and unconscious for the most part.
When you do the things that attract women, they generally tend to become attracted.
Rebecca
I’m a former David D Student. I learned about attraction and spent a few relatively successful years dating various women. One of the women in my orbit during that time was my now wife. We were friends with benefits for about 4 years, and never made it official because of long distance. We would talk on the phone every day, and fool around once or twice a year when we would make the long trek for a visit. Eventually I realized finding another one I like as much as her in my local area would be difficult, so I bit the bullet and moved. She’s lived her whole life in the same town, and I’ve moved around a bunch, so it seemed natural for me to move to her instead of her moving to me.
Problem is, once I moved out to her… Everything changed. I didn’t have my own social network anymore. I left my job and decided to go back to school… So I didn’t have my own money or career anymore either. I got depressed, angry and emotionally needy. As a result, I could tell she was less attracted to me, and less excited about our relationship than she used to be. Seeing this made me even more depressed, angry and needy. I did my best to navigate the waters, and have kept a reasonably healthy relationship going into marriage.
But now… I haven’t felt the same level of attraction from her in years. Sometimes it feels like that attraction for me was a really good dream that I woke up from a long time ago. I’m almost done with school now, and I have a good job that looks like the start to a good career. I’m starting to make friends through work. Things are looking up, but I’ve been off the horse so long, I’m not sure I can ever put it all back together with her. I find myself swayed by her moods all the time, and orbiting her like a child, as you said. I know why I’m having trouble, but I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to be the leader I used to be, when she’s seen me at my absolute bottom. Any advice? Thanks in advance.
@James —
The quick answer is to stop thinking about your wife. Easier said than done, I know.
The more you care about spending time with her, attracting her, pleasing her … the less attracted she becomes.
Go do the things that bring you pleasure and flow. Focus on your career, build muscle, make friends, do fun things. Don’t worry about leading her; simply lead yourself, and the rest will follow.
Oh, and all this stuff takes confidence, and testosterone fuels confidence, so do a quick baseline check for testosterone to make sure that’s all squared away.
Rebecca