On May 31, 1970, the inhabitants of Yungay, Peru, were doing their normal Sunday stuff … getting home from church, preparing their mid-day meal and watching the eagerly anticipated Italy-Brazil World Cup Match. No one felt the first tremors from the earthquake 22 miles off the Peruvian coast, but no would escape its impact.
Ten miles away on Mount Huascaran, the ripples triggered an unstable glacial mass, causing an avalanche of ice, snow and rock to cascade down the mountain. Picking up deposits as it went, it grew to 3,000 feet wide and one mile long, and reached speeds of 200 miles per hour. Three minutes later, 80 million cubic meters of debris crashed upon the hapless town, burying it and leaving 20,000 people dead.
An ‘act of God’ is what the insurance companies called it. A natural disaster that couldn’t have been predicted.
Except someone did.
Eight years earlier, in 1962, as avid mountaineers David Bernays and Charles Sawyer climbed the mountain, they discovered that Glacier 511, as it was known, was dangerously unstable, balanced precariously on fractured glacial ice, and in imminent danger of cascading onto the town below it. Coming down from the mountain, Bernays and Sawyer warned authorities of their findings.
And were promptly threatened with jail time.
It turns out that people don’t much like ‘alarmists’ who disturb the status quo.
Just like landslides, marriages have warning signs that often go unheeded.
When a man’s marriage falls apart, he is often stunned into disbelief that his wife lost attraction, gave him the ‘I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With
You’ speech, started an emotional affair with her co-worker, or kissed the guy at the office Christmas party. To him, it all comes out of the blue, like a natural disaster.
But there are actually certain things in a marriage that can predict an eventual marriage meltdown. Things that make me wince when I see them.
Women are attracted to strong, sexually confident men who lead in the bedroom. When a man doesn’t display those traits, it’s not a matter of if, but when, she will lose attraction.
Take a look below and see if you are making any of the …
7 Mistakes That Destroy Attraction and Threaten Your Marriage
Mistake #1. You treat her like a roommate, not a lover. When you cuddle with your wife and tell her all about your boo-boo’s, you may get her sympathy, but you’ll lose her attraction. She can either be your friend or she can be your hot lover. She can’t be both.
If you are sharing all your problems with your wife and using her as a sounding board for your angst, you really need to stop. Find some guy friends and go have a few beers and sort out your problems. Then go home and confidently let your wife know what your plan of action is.
Mistake #2. You wait for her to initiate. This falls into the ‘Men and women are different’ category. Men are wired to have spontaneous desire and women to have responsive desire. She is simply not going to initiate the way you would like her to. When you wait around for her to make the first move, it lowers her attraction. She needs you to be that bold, confident lover who simply must have his way with her. That’s how her brain works.
As a codicil to Mistake #2 , you need to realize that when she does initiate, it will normally be quite subtle. It may be as simple as her sitting closer to you than she usually does, wearing lingerie she normally doesn’t wear, making sexual innuendos, etc. If she’s being flirty and touchy-feely with you, you need to be able to pick up on her cues and respond with enthusiasm.
Mistake #3. You neglect to fix a basic problem that’s turning her off. If your wife summons up the courage to talk to you about something that’s diminishing her attraction, you really really need to pay attention. Maybe it’s that extra forty pounds you’ve gained. Maybe it’s the smoking. Or those onions you eat right before sexy time.
Whatever the problem is, when you don’t take action, it seems to her that you don’t care about whether or not she’s attracted. And that kills the deal for her.
Mistake #4. You don’t give her the dominance she needs in the bedroom. If your wife told you five years ago how much it turns her on to be tied up in the bedroom, then for heaven’s sake, get busy with that rope. Or if she told you in a moment of passion that she wants to be your sex slave, then go ahead and break out the handcuffs.
I know, I know. It’s hard to believe that she really wants that. The only way you would ever let someone tie you up is if they killed you first. But she really does like it. Men and women are different, remember?
Mistake #5. You don’t ramp up the intensity during ovulation. This comes as a surprise to a lot of guys, but a woman craves more dominance during ovulation. Multiple studies show us that a woman prefers more dominant characteristics during the time she’s most fertile. This is the time to really turn up the sexual heat and be more vigorous and energetic in the bedroom. Expand the envelope a bit.
Mistake #6. You turn her down for sex. Women do not handle sexual rejection well. Most simply lack the ability to process a sexual refusal. This is one of the quickest routes to losing your wife’s attraction. If she’s down for sex, you need to be up for it. No rain checks allowed.
And yeah, I know she turns you down all the time and you don’t lose attraction for her. Am I saying this is right or fair? Nope, I’m simply saying what is. Men and women are different and respond differently when it comes to sex.
Mistake #7. Your equipment isn’t firing on all four cylinders. Every guy has the occasional time when his penis doesn’t do what he wants it to do. Either he can’t get hard, or he loses his erection at the worst possible moment. Or maybe it’s been a while since the last sexual encounter, and he ejaculates too early. It’s no big deal if things like this happen sporadically, but if you are consistently having equipment failure, you really need to address it as soon as possible.
Your wife will tell you it’s okay, and she’ll even mean it, but it still has an impact on her attraction. If the problem drags on for too long, attraction normally plummets. It’s even worse if she’s asked you to address the issue and you continue to ignore it. That never turns out well.
I know I’ve thrown a lot at you in this blog post. Things that may have been uncomfortable for you to hear. But they are truths you need to know. I’ve seen too many situations where guys made some of the mistakes in this post and paid a high price with their marriage.
If you are not doing the things that create attraction with your wife … If you aren’t initiating because your testosterone went south taking your sex drive with it … If your penis isn’t up for the job because of health issues … If you don’t have the energy or confidence to bring the dominance in the bedroom …
You need to address the issue while you still have time.
20,000 people in the town of Yungay died because they failed to recognize the early warning signs of impending disaster. Don’t let your marriage go the same way.
Hi, I’m Rebecca Watson. Author, Researcher, and Marriage & Attraction Consultant.
I’ve read a few of your articles, sorry if I’m been mis led but everything I’ve read shows a man’s lack in a relationship. That men are responsible for maintaining a marriage and keeping it flaming so to speak. Men do this men do that or she won’t be attracted, guys do this to your self or she’ll find someone else. My wofe for example is not at all satisfied with the way she looks, she doesn’t see herself as sexy and is unhappy with her weight. We have 3 kids…I love my wife. Incredibly, she is sexy as hell to me. I pat her but every chance I get. I ogle her, I’m in awe at her, I kiss her neck, massage her feet/body. Txt her through the day (obviously not everyday) and so on and so forth. She says sex makes her uncomfortable…because she doesn’t see herself as sexual(assumption) I could go in and on about our sex life but time does not permit today. Ibe basically given up on initiating (when we have sex, even if I grab her and haul her to the bedroom she lies there and let’s me do my thing, I am not satisfied unless she wants me too/wants it too. Like sex is all about me and she does it FOR me. Not FOR her…I need her to WANT it for her too.
@Marcus —
If you accept the premise that women are attracted to strong leaders (and the research out there is fairly clear in this area), and you want to be that strong leader, then the logical corollary is that you have a lot of control over that process.
Does that put a burden on you? Well, sure. In the same way the CEO of Apple has a tremendous responsibility for the company. But he gets tremendous rewards for bearing that burden.
When it comes to your marriage, you’re the only one who can decide if the rewards are worth the responsibility.
Rebecca
Edited: And if you haven’t seen this post about female initiation, I think you’ll find it helpful.
http://hightmarriage.com/the-secret-to-why-your-wife-doesnt-initiate-sex/
How do you recommend addressing #7? My husband and I have been married for 10.5 yrs; I’m 38 and he’s 41. For years I thought I was the one who had a problem because I didn’t feel arousal, but as I’ve been reading more I wonder if the problem is not exclusively mine. He typically gets excited very quickly and needs penetration after just a few minutes of arousal. Intercourse usually only lasts a few seconds (usually less than 10 seconds), and if I ask him to delay penetration, the few times where I actually start to enjoy it myself, he is prone to ejaculating prior to intercourse. His need for release is sometimes so intense that he will want to go straight for penetration without touching me first (like if he’s been watching me get out of the shower or something). I always say yes because I thought it was mean of me to say no. We were both virgins when we married so I don’t have any other experiences to compare it to. Is this normal, or does this fall under PE? I should mention that we don’t have children because he has extremely low sperm count; the Drs said it was of unknown origin (not low T, in fact his testosterone is somewhat elevated when we did our infertility workup). All my test results came back normal.
He is generally a strong leader and a good person, but after 10.5 yrs I have given up on the idea of sex ever being pleasurable for me. Even foreplay just feels like being pawed at and slobbered on, and intercourse feels like an obgyn exam–i know it will be painful at some point but hopefully over quickly.
@bea —
Ouch! Just reading that hurt.
So, is this normal?
No.
Is it your ‘fault’ that you’re not aroused.
No.
Would you ‘be mean’ to say no to sex under these conditions?
No.
Honestly, I can’t think of a woman who could get even partially aroused with this kind of sex, much less orgasm. Seriously, you’ve got to stop having crappy sex. You’re not doing the marriage any favors when you consent to sex that’s not only not pleasurable, it’s actually painful.
There are so many factors that can cause premature ejaculation (PE), some physical, some hormonal, some behavioral. Find a doctor who specializes in PE, and get your husband to set up an appointment. Make sure to go with him, as so often people tend to minimize their symptoms to doctors.
Also, run another testosterone lab. When it comes to testosterone, ‘normal’ is not optimal. Many doctors consider anything above 400 to be ‘elevated’, but most guys tend to feel their sexual best when they’re somewhere above 800. It’s unusual for sperm count to be low, but testosterone high because the pituitary regulates both functions.
Also, take a look at my book, I Want Sex, He Wants Fries. I specifically address the topic of having lousy sex, and the problems it causes in a marriage.
Most sexual dysfunction is fixable; you just have to figure out the root causes. There’s no reason to accept a lousy sex life, there really isn’t.
Rebecca
Bea: A potential Quick fix for this problem if you don’t want to give up just yet is letting your husband ejaculate once before you have sex. I used to have this problem although not as severe earlier in my marriage. (Married 20+ years)
Take a shower with him first and simply ‘give him a hand’, let him rest a while and then proceed to be intimate this time together.
Also using a condom will help some men last longer as it makes the head less sensitive.
I ‘took care of’ this issue myself early on until I learned to control myself but not everyone thinks of this..
If you continue any longer you will develop negative associations with sex which in your case would seem unnecessary….
/Carl
@Carl —
Great idea for guys with high libido.
One caveat … if the guy is lower tetosterone/lower desire, or using a lot of porn, once he orgasms, he’s probably done at least for the night, and possibly for a few days.
Rebecca
I’m loving these articles and really ring true for me. One thing I’d like to add for us guys reading this is: don’t masterbate all the time. I’ve masterbated daily for years because I have felt rejected by my wife. But I recognize now that when I get myself off I end up feeling flat and passive around my wife. When I obstain for a while I get super horney and want to jump on my wife–and that makes a difference in my dominance.
@Rex —
You’ve got it absolutely right. Frequent masturbation can keep you perpetually in the orgasm crash cycle. Edging makes a huge difference in your displays of dominance, and can really build attraction in a marriage.
Thanks for your insight. : )
Rebecca
Yeah Rebecca blame it all on men, tell them they need to work harder because they need sex. It’s their job to earn money, its their job to now take care of kids, also its a equal so they also must do the laundry oh cooking delicious meals (best chefs in the world are male) is there job too. Women oh they will have all excuses to get free life by doing nothing. I love this equality, I would advice men to not get married and lose your fortune, be smarter better chance you will build attraction and get more sex, get married you are done.
Are you kidding me?! It’s men who get the free ride! Nowadays women are expected to “Do it ALL” while all hail the man if he changes one dirty diaper. Nevermind she’s doing all the work and saving his sad butt all the time because he’s a man child. And then he has the nerve to wonder why she’s not attracted to him?!! Where’s a man who actually provides for his family financially and emotionally and doesn’t expect his wife to clean up his screw ups all the time? That’s a mythical creature. There is no equality, just women doing it all while men sit back and enjoy the free ride of minimal effort. Feminism has really worked in their favor whereas it has backfired on women.
@Sarah —
Some massive generalizations there, @Sarah.
I see it happen both ways. Men who make a living, have a stay-at-home wife, and yet do the majority of the chores on the domestic front. I also see it the other way … where the woman is making the living and doing everything on the domestic front, while her man-child husband sits at home playing video games all day.
What both groups share in common is that they fail to set reasonable boundaries. That’s a skill that can be learned.
Y’all keep setting up a false dichotomy where it’s a gender issue. That’s not what’s at play.
@Sarah, you share more in common with @BCream in that you both are having/have had a hard time setting reasonable boundaries. The trick is to stop blaming others and start taking responsibility for setting strong boundaries.
Rebecca