When Your Wife Doesn’t Make an Effort in Bed – 5 Reasons

It’s super frustrating when your wife doesn’t make an effort in bed – especially when it feels like you have to do all the work.

But here’s the deal – when she’s lukewarm about having sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean what you think it means. 

When She Doesn’t Reject – but She Doesn’t Respond

Common scenario – you try to initiate with your wife, and she’s passive.

She doesn’t outright refuse, but she also doesn’t respond.

Willing, but Not Enthusiastic

When Your Wife Doesn’t Make an Effort in Bed

Here’s the scenario –

You’ve taken your marriage to the point where sex is a lot more frequent than it used to be —
Rejections are down — and you don’t get a default no to every overture.

Which feels great!
But it still seems like there’s something missing.

(If this isn’t happening for you, yet, and you’re just beginning to build attraction, stop reading and go here to Harness the Simple Science of Female Attraction.)

Quantity is Up, but Quality is Still Kind of Hit-or-Miss

But if your marriage has progressed to where you’re a lot happier with frequency –
And yet you still wish she was more enthusiastic sometimes, this article is going to help take you to the next level.

Does this sound familiar?

You make the effort to initiate with her, but she says something like, “Okay, but you have to do all the work.”

And you’re left wondering, “What exactly does she mean by that?”

You probably have two basic questions —

Top 5 Reasons She Wants You to Do All the Work

Here’s What She’s Thinking

There are basically five common reasons she says she wants you ‘to do all the work’.

• • 1. Even though she’s tired, she still wants the closeness of sex … but doesn’t have the energy to be a sex kitten.
• • 2. She’s willing … but she’s afraid you’re going to judge her ‘performance’ and that you’ll be disappointed with her.
• • 3. She’s not necessarily into it tonight but she can go either way … because she loves you and doesn’t want you to feel rejected.
• • 4. She would have enjoyed sex an hour ago when you both had more energy … but feels frustrated that you waited so long.
  • 5. Special Scenario – She’s feeling sexually submissive … and wants you just to take charge.
•  

Women Have Responsive Desire

The most important thing to know is that women generally have responsive desire.

While men typically have spontaneous desire – meaning that sex is on their mind even without any particular stimulus —

Women tend to be responsive when it comes to arousal and desire —

Meaning that women typically to respond to stimulation rather than feeling something on their own beforehand.

So, if it’s later at night, and there’s been no lead-up to sex, her default will almost certainly be lukewarm at best.
But as long as you’re not getting a flat-out no, you can still have really fulfilling sex that night.

What to Do if She’s Willing but Not Enthusiastic

When Your Wife Doesn’t Make an Effort in Bed

You’ve got two strategies when she says okay, but she’s lukewarm –

• • • • Playing the Long Game
      • Immediate Intimacy

Two very different strategies, but both have a place in your marriage, depending on where your relationship is.

Playing the Long Game – Building Trust

If connection and trust are still a little shaky in your marriage, especially if sex has been a huge source of conflict in the past,
You’re finally making progress in that area, but still not where you want to be …

Then it’s best to hold off on sex when she’s not into it.

Instead of pushing the issue, try this instead.

• Tuck her in gently.
• Let her know you love her —
• Kiss her forehead.
• And tell her to go to sleep.Women respond to this amazingly well.

It strengthens both attraction and connection.
Which makes her more willing the next time you initiate.

It’s a great long-term strategy –

She feels understood.
And loved.
And cared for.

And you’ve set things up for long-term gain.

Immediate Intimacy – Kickstarting the Action

But if you’ve been reading here at Peak Marriage for a while, and you’ve applied the concepts, hopefully trust and connection are high at this point
You two have built a closeness together and she trusts that you care deeply for her and don’t just want her for sex.

In this case, sometimes you both just need that sexual connection, and it’s up to you with your spontaneous desire to kick start the action.

Initiate sex, but try this little twist –

Tell her you love her and that she’s beautiful.
Tell her you don’t need her to be a rock star tonight and that you’ll take care of everything –
And tell her that making love to her never feels like work.

She feels understood.
And loved.
And cared for.

And you get the sex you really need.

It’s a win-win.
And makes your marriage stronger.

Special Scenario – she’s feeling sexually submissive

But what about that special scenario I mentioned?
The one where she’s feeling sexually submissive –
And just wants to let go and have you take charge.

This can be some of the best sex you’ll ever have.
But you have to let go of your pre-conceived notions of what her response should look like.

Sometimes when a woman is feeling intense pleasure, her mind finally turns off.
This is a good thing.

She’ll get immensely quiet and still.
It lets her feel the full range of sensations in her body.

But if she’s worried about having to ‘perform’ a certain way for you –
Like her stillness is a disappointment to you.
It kills desire for her.

Here’s how you help her get out of her head and into her body.

• Tell her she doesn’t need to do anything.
• That you want her to lie very still and not move.
• Tell her not to talk.

This gives her ‘permission’ to feel pleasure instead of pressure.
And helps her feel like she’s finally ‘doing it right’.

And the bonus is that you have the freedom to take things in a good direction.

When it comes to sex, it sometimes feels like men and women are a different species.
Men’s spontaneous desire and women’s responsive desire cause them to respond very differently to sex.

Once you understand and internalize these very real differences, you know how to act in ways that create deep and lasting attraction & desire.

And instead of a wife who’s just being okay with sex, you’ll get back that wife who’s actually enthusiastic and eager to be with you …

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