My wife plays this stupid game on her phone every time we’re in the car together. I’ve told her that it bugs me, but she just ignores that. How do I get her to stop?”
“Money is tight this month and I specifically told my wife that we need to watch the out-go, but then she ran out and bought a new sofa. How do I get her to listen to me?”
“My wife always calls me cutesy little names that are slightly mocking. I’ve tried to get her to knock it off, but she says I’m being overly sensitive. How do I get her to take me seriously?”
These types of questions come up all the time in coaching. On the face of it, none of these complaints seem to have much in common, but they’re all actually dealing with the same problem … Holding Frame.
Okay, so what do I actually mean by the word ‘frame’. Google defines it like this:
- a rigid structure that surrounds or encloses something such as a door or window
- a basic structure that underlies or supports a system, concept, or text.
In the context of your marriage or other relationships, your frame refers to the way you interact with other people. How do you present yourself to your wife, to your kids, to your co-workers? Do you come from a place of weakness or of strength? Are other people able to affect your frame or do you hold steady no matter how the people surrounding you act? Frame is the invisible structure that underlies or supports every interaction you have with another person.
When a guy first starts coaching with the goal of increasing his wife’s attraction for him, his tendency is to isolate each separate interaction and try to find a new rule to govern how he should act in Situation A, B or C. He messes up because there’s no way he can remember a rule for each and every situation that comes up between him and his wife. Instead, he has to learn to hold his frame in all sorts of dissimilar situations.
One primary focus of the coaching is the daily interactions guys have with their wives. Those day to day seemingly simple interactions you have with your wife that are either adding to …. or taking out of … the Attraction Bucket.
JASON — For example, Jason gets home from work, he and his wife work together to get dinner finished and the kids down to bed. His wife then sits on the sofa and starts playing on her phone. He sits there, growingly increasingly irritated with her because he’s wanting to spend some time with her. When the evening is over and they’re getting ready for bed, he makes some snippy comment to her about her being a lazy slacker and what a wasted evening.
However, here’s the rub. He never actually told her what he wanted. He never stated his expectations. He expected her to read his mind. You see the problem? He wasn’t willing to be open about what he wanted, but then was angry with her that she didn’t fulfill his needs. I see this all the time with my coaching clients. This is a huge DLV to a woman and deducts a substantial amount from the Attraction Bucket.
JOHN — Another example …. John and his wife go to a barbeque together and enjoy the afternoon. By 6pm, John is becoming a bit bored and and is ready to go. The next day is a work day and they’ve still got to get the kids bathed and down to bed before they get the house straightened up for the week. His wife, however, seems to be having a great time. He looks at his watch with increasing frequency and feels increasingly anxious and irritable. He drifts toward his wife and says, “Getting a bit late, don’t you think? Tomorrow’s a work day, you know, and the kids still have to finish their homework.” His wife looks surprised and says, “Oh, it’s only six o’clock; there’s plenty of time left.”
He drifts away again, and spends the next hour, feeling more and more resentful of his wife’s thoughtlessness. He imagines conversations in his head with her where he tells her exactly how selfish she is and how she never considers his needs. However, he never actually told her he was ready to leave. He never stated his expectations. In the car on the way home, he is moody and sulky, and by the time they get home, everyone has caught the negative vibe and they have a miserable evening.
Do you see how this works? Both Jason and John are operating from a frame of being timid. Neither believes he has the right to simply tell his wife what he wants. Because of this, neither gets what he wants. They both need to strengthen their frame. Until they do, none of what they try is going to work.
Think of it like this …….
When your foundational frame is weak, every brick you add threatens to pull the structure down. Every drive-by or 10-second kiss or flirty text is going to fall flat. You have to shore the foundation first. You have to come from a place of strength so that your wife respects you. More importantly, you have to respect yourself.
So, how do you strengthen your frame? Where do you start?
The very first step I recommend is simply stating your expectations. Example …..
“Wife, I am going to pick Jennie up from practice. Why don’t you straighten the kitchen while I’m gone and then we’ll both be able to relax and enjoy our evening.”
You don’t have to be an ogre, you don’t have to be a jerk. Just state your expectations. Practice doing this for a few weeks until it feels natural. If she refuses, that’s okay, keep your cool, don’t lose frame. The simple fact of having the strength to say what you want displays high value. Eventually, your wife will start following your lead.
Hi, I’m Rebecca Watson. Author, Researcher, and Marriage & Attraction Consultant.
Love reading your stuff! Keep up the great work Beccs! *chest bump* lol
John Quest —
LOL Glad you’re enjoying it.
A lot of people never articulate their expectations. They keep it in the back of their brain, never completely formed. Because they’ve never said their expectations out loud or written them down, they actually aren’t 100% sure about what they want.
I often find one of the most important things a person can do is express what they want, even if it is just on paper, for every relationship or project. What is it? What do you want it to do.
I did this for my own blog lately:
Project: The Wild Man Project Blog
What do I want it to do: Offer practical actionable steps for men looking to have greater self esteem.
It’s totally changed the way I write for it.
How do you handle when she pushes back? I say “‘ll do X, you do Y,” and then it becomes a big negotiation or discussion
Hi d —
Leadership Moments create attraction in and of themselves. Her response is actually irrelevant. These can be quite simple …. “Hey, you stack the plates while I load the silverware.” “Make sure you get your work-out in today.” “Wear that red dress. That one looks great on you.”
No matter how she responds, it’s a display of high value for you to have an opinion and a preference and state it.
OH! — ok
‘Cuz I was gonna ask _on_what_planet_ does the husband have “the right to simply tell his wife what he wants”?
But if it doesn’t matter whether she obeys or (far more likely) simply laughs…
I guess I never tried that. Like sexual initiation, verbal expression got wrung outta me pretty early.
@Mike —
Sounds like it’s time to bring it back. : ) Seriously, you need to start standing up for what you want and setting reasonable boundaries. It may seem like it would decrease attraction, but it actually does just the opposite.
Rebecca
On earth if you are a Christian. The husband owns the wife’s body while the wife owns the husband’s body. The man is the head of the household – a position of service.
I’m an “older guy” at 50 and in a new relationship after a 20 year marriage. My now fiancé has gone through menopause with all the mood, body image, vaginal pain and other slew of problems. It’s a tough road when it’s not just a dominance/leadership issue. Being supportive and understanding while not being a jerk is a fine line that’s tough to negotiate. The toughest part is getting her to want to help herself. I exercise leadership frequently (easy as a fighter pilot haha) and it just ends up in a fight. So, I give her “her space”, nothing changes and my resentment rises.
@Drifter —
There’s not enough dominance/leadership in the world to build interest when hormones run amuck. You’ve got to fix the medical first. Stop being supportive and understanding and get her butt into a good anti-aging doctor. This is where the thrust of your leadership needs to be.
I had to go this route with my husband. His testosterone levels had plummeted and he never wanted sex. In addition, he was tired, depressed, unmotivated, etc. He fought tooth and nail against seeing a doctor.
I ‘played nice’ for years before I finally had enough.
Sometimes, it really is a matter of doctors or lawyers.
This link is long, but I think you’ll find it helpful.
http://www.lifeextension.com/protocols/female-reproductive/female-hormone-restoration/page-01
Rebecca
Thanks so much. I’ll keep you posted.
Also, no lawyers required because we haven’t tied the knot yet. Can’t enter a marriage with these issues.
Agreed. It’s no good to enter a marriage thinking a problem will get better on its own. It normally doesn’t, and your options are more limited once you’re married.
Im learning here. Thanks Rebecca. Is it really all about men making the sole effort? I’m still the guy I was when we married. I understand that to improve things one needs to change and act in a particular way but it seems crazy that the ball is purely in the man’s Court. I feel like I do a heck of a lot for my wife, daughter with the house with cooking and I raised the need to feel desired 50 times & that I don’t need sex that often in particular if she just initiated.
Should I leave? I’m over trying and trying. I had sex with a prostitute she found out. Don’t know she can forgive me. She’s gone to Ibiza I’ve told her she can have sex over there if that helps you forgive me. I had sex with a hooker because I wasn’t getting enough at home.
After making lots of $, over 12 yrs of hard work as a business owner I lost $2m to a con, got depressed and went from super fit to a tad overweight. My wife is on my case all the time, I’ve decided to take clenbuterol to lose weight and I hope it doesn’t kill me. So I asked my wife twice in a decade to wear some make-up. She wears perfume to work daily, but seems to not be bothered to ever make an effort for me. She claims by me asking her to wear makeup it’s sexist which is complete rubbish. I think she’s a bit of a misandry. I’ve tried to explain it’s got more to do with my perception of her making an effort. Her wanting to make an effort.
Just fill that the effort is one way and how many times can anyone repeat themselves that they need some attention.?
maybe it’s past the point of no return perhaps is better to leave and start again. I certainly love her but I don’t see any love coming back. and maybe the reality is the when I had a big business power etc etc I was more attractive and now that this is changed in some way I’m less attractive. But I still put our daughter through a private school and make money and have a lot more friends and her and have passions.
Can you help us?
@Rob —
You’re welcome! Glad it’s helping. : )
It’s not about you making all the effort, Rob. It’s more a matter of understanding the mechanics of attraction. There’s basically a formula for increasing attraction; once you do those things, attraction grows. Helping around the house, being sensitive and understanding, etc. isn’t going to increase attraction.
So, the first thing to do … stop talking to her about sex. Sex with you is a privilege she needs to earn, not a favor for which you have to beg.
Next thing … get to a gym. It’s not enough to work out at home. You need to be in the company of other men focused on improving themselves. It’s a mindset.
Third … go do the things that bring you pleasure and flow. Stop orbiting her. She’s not the earth and you’re not her moon. You’re a guy with things to do and places to go.
Don’t worry about the prostitute thing for the moment. There will come a time to deal with it, but not yet. But don’t ever give her permission to have sex with someone else. That makes you a eunuch and absolutely kills attraction.
Lastly … please reconsider using clenbuterol. There are other things that will have a much better impact on weight and muscle mass without the damaging side effects to blood sugar and heart health.
Probably. I do have private coaching available, if you want to shoot me a message.
Rebecca