The Natural

I went to a new gym today. I’ve been slacking on my at-home work-outs and decided to get serious about building some muscle.

Every woman there was in better shape than me. There were some seriously beautiful and strong bodies in that gym.

I pretty much …. um …. sucked.

Everyone lifted more than me, everyone’s form was better than mine. Not only could I not do a pull-up unassisted, I couldn’t even get my own danged foot in the pull-up assistance band without help. Let’s say I’m not a natural when it comes to working out. Ahem.

So ………. I decided to quit.

I mean, after all, I’m not a natural, right? I went to the gym and tried my hardest and I wasn’t any good. Oh my gosh, calamity and chaos. Worlds collide. I’m not a natural.

That’s ridiculous, right? I mean, obviously, no one expected me to be great my first day out. I need to keep working at it to get better, right?

But this is what I hear all the time from the guys I coach. “I’m not a natural.”

Not a natural… they say this as if they’re announcing that they have a dreaded disease.

And my response? Of course, you’re not a natural. No one is. All right, maybe there are guys out there to whom attracting women comes easily. Who are born knowing what to do with women, who had that easy confidence in the cradle. If so, I’ve never met them. Maybe they all live in Hollywood. Or Wall Street. I dunno. The guys I talk to and coach are not naturals. For them, it is sheer hard work. And yet, once they decide to work at it, they are able to achieve amazing results.

One of the primary reasons male clients sign up for coaching is to learn how to attract their wives. This is a huge struggle for a lot of men, whether or not they’re low T. They understand the theory behind female attraction, they understand that women are attracted to strong, confident leadership and sexual dominance, but they just don’t feel confident that they can pull it off.

I frequently hear comments like this one…

This whole thing makes me want to cry …. I want to be a dominant lover. I want to give <my wife> the leadership and dominance she craves, wants and needs.

But, this stuff is so freaking hard for me and at the same time I’m scared. I’m scared of ending up where we were five years ago if I can’t get over this problem. After the past two years there’s no way I could stomach where we were back then. It would not work for me. Not to mention <my wife> has gone so far out of her box sexually just for me that I am determined to do this for her.

And honestly my biggest fear is that I won’t enjoy it and that our sexual preferences simply won’t ever meet properly.

I’ve read the advice on here multiple times and it sounds easy ….On a freaking daily basis I tell myself I’m going to do x, y, z. And when the time comes I fold like a freaking house of cards. 

My biggest advice to men who are trying to increase attraction is …. practice.

Yeah, I know. That’s really boring. You were waiting for the magic bullet. But honestly, guys, there is no magic bullet. Becoming more sexually confident is like everything else in life; the more you work at it, the better you get.

I watch guys go from tentative, passive ‘nice guys’ to strong, decisive, confident men who know exactly what to do in the bedroom. How does it happen?

Yep. Practice.

It’s not enough to read the theory behind attraction. It’s not enough to understand at the cognitive level what will do it for your wife. You can go from blog to blog, reading about what attracts women, but until you start putting theory into action, nothing in your life will change.

Hence, my gym analogy.

You can spend all your time reading work-out blogs and books. You can know exactly what it takes to make those muscles stronger. You can become an expert on the most effective moves to build muscle. But … until you actually go to the gym and start working out, your body isn’t going to improve.

Is it fun? Heck, no. Not at first. At first, you are a weak, whimpering mass of pain. None of the movements come easily. Your body feels awkward and stiff. You focus so much on your glutes that you forget what your quads are doing. Your form is crap, and the coach is constantly correcting your posture.

So, what happens? Do you give up at this point, and just say, “I’m not a natural. I’m never going to get this.”? Or do you realize that this takes practice and you need to keep working on your form?

Sexual confidence is the same thing. You are re-training your brain. And that takes time. You have to be patient with yourself. You’re not going to deadlift 300 pounds your first day. No, it’s little movements that gradually add up. Think of building dominance like building muscle. Each day you get a bit stronger.

Do you go to the gym the very first day and call yourself a failure because you’re not as strong as the other guys? No. The only failure is to stop trying.

It’s the same way with learning sexual confidence. Sometimes you feel like a failure in the bedroom because things didn’t go the way you wanted. But the only failure is to stop trying. Keep adding those little dominant moves until they become second nature.

Because they will. They will become second nature if you do them long enough.

And second nature is good enough. You don’t have to be a natural. You just have to be willing to do the work.

As for me, I’ll keep going to the gym. I’m going to learn to do that danged pull-up if it kills me. I’m going to keep working at it until it becomes second nature.

At which point, I’ll look like a natural. 🙂