I talk to a lot of guys who have spent years looking for validation and approval from their wives. The problem with this is that it frames them as being needy, and this generally tends to kill attraction in women. Part of coaching a guy is to teach him new ways of interacting with his wife to eliminate some of the daily -1’s that are diminishing her sexual feelings for him.
The trick is that you can do anything you want as long as you do it from a strong frame. If you want affirmation from your wife, you can get it, but you can’t ask for it. Instead, you have to come at it from a place of confidence and strength.
“I need to buy new pants,” he said, as he was changing his clothes.
“Yes, I know,” I replied. “Do you know how I know?”
“Because I’ve told you a million times?”
“Yeah, but I really do need to buy some. I just don’t have any pants that fit anymore.”
I looked up from my reading, feeling irritated. Why did he keep harping on buying new pants? He’d been mentioning it increasingly frequently for a couple of months now. Why didn’t he just go buy the danged pants? What was he looking for from me? He knew the pants were in the budget, was he looking for permission, did he want me to buy them for him, what? I could tell he was looking for something from me, but I had no idea what.
“So buy some. What are you waiting for? Are you wanting me to buy them?”
“No, it’s just that I need to get them. I’ve gone from a 38 to a 36 and now I think I’ll need to go even smaller than that.”
<light bulb dawns>
“Ohhhhhh. You’re wanting me to notice that you’re looking better.”
“Hmmm? No. Well …. yes. Kind of. I guess, yeah.”
“But I’ve told you a million times how good you’re looking now that you’re working out so hard. I tell you how much I like your new muscles, I feel them all the time and I brag on them to the boys.”
“So is that why you keep bringing up the new pants? So I can tell you how good you look?”
“Yeah, pretty wimpy, I guess. Always wanting compliments from my wife.”
“No, I know that words of affirmation are your top love language.”
I didn’t say anything else, torn between honesty and not wanting to hurt his feelings.Words of affirmation were his primary love language, and I made a point of giving him a lot of positive feedback and frequent compliments, but there were times when it made me feel a bit like a mommy with him instead of a lover. It made him seem needy and insecure and turned our dynamics upside down, giving me too much power over him. Our marriage worked better when he was the stronger one in the relationship, and I was looking to him for approval.
As he finished undressing, his frame changed, and he got playful.
“Well, one thing I know you’ve noticed is how much bigger my c*ck looks now that I’ve lost weight. Just look at this thing. It’s huge. You can’t tell me you don’t like this, can you? You know you can’t keep your eyes off it.”
He got closer to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling me into him, pushing himself into me.
“C’mon. Tell me how much you like it. Tell me how you like my big c*ck.”
I started laughing. “Stop it. Stop waving that thing around. You’re a maniac!”
I loved when he was all confident and brash. Even the raw language didn’t bother me. It was just part of him and actually gave him a bit of an edge that made him more attractive. So much sexier than when he was needy and looking for my approval.
“Yeah, I know. But I’m huge. I’m a huge maniac. Have you ever seen a c*ck that big? You know you haven’t. And before long, I’ll lose more weight and be even bigger,” he said, pushing into me, matching his thrusts to his words.
“Well, it’s not like you needed to get any bigger. In fact, if you get bigger, I may have to leave you for a smaller man,” I threatened him teasingly.
“You’ll never find a man who can satisfy you like I do,” he bragged.
Yep, he was right. Dang, I loved this cocky guy of mine. 🙂