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Doing the Dishes is Not Going to Get You Sex

It’s just …. not.

Comment from a guy struggling to build attraction in his marriage …

She is a stay at home mom, and very attentive and affectionate mother.  We live a typical “middle-class” lifestyle.  Not lavish, but we have what we need to get by, take an occasional vacation, and do fun things here and there.

I make a good living and work full-time, handle all the money/bills, my and the kids laundry, most of the dishes, all actual cleaning of the house, all yard work, all home improvement projects/repairs, and cook about 1-3 dinners a week.   On the weekends she sleeps in while I handle the kids, with the exception now being the baby, whom she nurses, and sometimes will need to get up around 5-6 to feed (and sometimes go back to sleep).

What I’m getting at is that I take care of my share of the duties (at least).  Not complaining here, just want to convey that she is not expected to take care of too much. 

I see so many guys with SAHM wives with this mindset. They believe that if they are ‘nice’ enough and take enough off their wife’s plate, they will eventually get more sex.

It doesn’t work.

What most guys find is that the less they expect of their wife, the less sex they get. This is crazy, right? Completely counter-intuitive. Wimminz be crazy.

What you have to understand is that the behaviors that drive female attraction are completely separate from the actions that keep the home and family maintained. Taking care of the kids is great for making your wife feel all warm and fuzzy with you, but it’s not going to give her the butterflies and tingles that lead to great sex.

In fact, if she’s a SAHM and you are treating her like a princess by having no expectations of her, she may actually be feeling a little contemptuous of you for not setting appropriate boundaries. She views it as you being too weak to to set limits in the relationship.

So, here’s a tool you can use.

Draw up a list of all the things you do during the week, including your paid job and all the traditional male chores you do, and then look at all the things she does. Calculate how much free time each of you has. The higher the discrepancy, the less sex you are going to get. (Hint: If she has 4 hours every day to surf the net, and you have 20 minutes by the end of the night after you’ve put the kids to bed, it’s a problem.)

If this is the case, you need to redistribute the work load, giving her more of her share to do. She probably won’t like it at first, but don’t be afraid to make her angry. It’s better for her to be angry than for her to be contemptuous.

And tonight? Don’t make dinner while she sits on the sofa and plays on her phone. Get her off that sofa and get her butt moving.

Let me know how it goes. 😉