3 Love Systems
Working on a marriage is a lot like working on a car. To get peak performance, you have to know exactly where the problem lies. In other words: Which system is in trouble?
Is it your brake system? Or emissions? Or maybe your transmission…?
You can do all the right things….but if you’re throwing your efforts into the transmission when it’s really a fuel systems problem, you’ll never get the results you want.
Same with your marriage. Like a car, your marriage is not one solid piece. It’s a group of systems working together.
And when there’s a problem? You’ve got to know which system is being affected before you can know where to put your efforts.
The 3 Systems at Play in Your Marriage – Connected, but Separate
When it comes to romantic love, there are not one, but three separate love systems at play.
1
Attraction System
2
Comfort System
3
General Sex Drive System
The three systems are powered by different hormones and neurotransmitters and create different emotions and behaviors.
And right now, you’re trying to solve an Attraction System problem… by putting effort into the Comfort System.
No wonder you’re not getting the results you want!
Let’s look a little closer at each of these systems.
1
Attraction System
When you first fall for someone, attraction is high. You’re excited just to be together. And wow, the sex flows. Dopamine is high, you’re a god, and it’s all effortless. You assume it’s going to stay that way.
That’s the Attraction system. Dopamine, novelty, excitement, uncertainty, reward. Dopamine up, oxytocin – with its feelings of calm and relaxation – down.
But then …
Life happens. The novelty fades, dopamine drops, and the two of you get more comfortable. Oxytocin up, dopamine down. Good for snuggles and cuddles, not so much for wild and crazy sex.
2
Comfort System
In contrast to dopamine, oxytocin causes you to bond and feel comfortable with your partner. Powered by the hormone oxytocin, comfort creates feelings of trust, calm, security, and affection.
Cleaning the garage together, snuggling up under a blanket and watching TV together … that’s oxytocin at work.
2
Comfort System
3
General Sex Drive System
The Libido system is just straight up sex drive, independent of who your partner is or whether you even have a partner. It’s driven entirely by hormones.
These three systems operate together, but they’re also independent.
You can feel attraction for someone you don’t love … and you can love someone deeply, yet still not feel attracted to them.
You can have a deep attachment to your partner and also feel attracted to them … and yet if your general sex drive is damaged in some way, you will still not want sex.
Your Current Actions Increase Relationship Comfort (But Not Necessarily Attraction)
If you’re in a long-term marriage, you’ve got the Comfort system covered. Stability, dependability, kindness, compassion and tolerance.
Being a good dad, helping out around the house, listening to your wife, spending time with her … all of these build Relationship Comfort. You and your wife are swimming in oxytocin. That’s great. Kind of.
Except…
Being a good husband and a good dad is not going to get you the sex you want.
The problem is that oxytocin in your marriage means diddly-squat when it comes to creating sexual attraction or getting the sex you want. For that, you need to do the things that increase dopamine.
How To Work On The Attraction System Instead
If you want better sex, it’s time to shift your focus from building Comfort to building Attraction.
When you think about building Attraction, your immediate thought probably goes to your physical appearance. But that’s a trap! Looking good can be part of the overall package, but it’s not the only, or even the primary, driver of female attraction.
Men and women are different when it comes to attraction. While men are primarily attracted to a woman’s physical appearance, women are attracted to strength.
Female Attraction is all About Strength
Women are attracted to strength in all areas: Physical strength, financial strength, intellectual strength, emotional strength, social strength, etc. Remember, I’m talking about straight-up attraction here, not comfort or bonding. This is what makes her clothes fall off.
When you show strength, leadership, confidence, courage, and intelligence, your wife’s attraction increases.
The stronger you are in all areas – physical strength … social strength … career strength … financial strength … emotional strength … the more attraction grows.
The trick is to capitalize on the areas where you’re already strong, and start shoring up the other areas.
How Does This Information Help Your Marriage?
The exciting part is that there are specific traits and behaviors that affect each love system.
You can put the love systems to work for you once you understand how they operate! Which is amazing news because it means that you control what happens to attraction in your marriage.
Once you know these concepts, you become the master of your own sexual destiny.
Help! I’m Excited About This But Also Unsure
I’ve thrown some radical ideas your way. This goes against everything you’ve ever been taught about how marriage and attraction work.
Your mind wants to reject the whole concept.
But let me ask you something … how is your current system working for you? Are you having all the hot sex you want? Do you have a wife who’s wildly into you? Or would she rather play on her phone than have sex?
My 3-Peak Marriage method will help you diagnose which one of the three love systems is affected in your marriage and where you need to direct your efforts. It also identifies what’s blocking attraction and the quickest, most effective fixes.
So take some time and poke around the site. Get a feel for how it all works. Start implementing some of the concepts and see how they work for you.
And when you’re ready to truly commit to firing up the attraction in your marriage, check out my private coaching. I help people identify blockages and the day-to-day interactions that impact attraction in their marriage.
