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Why He Still Doesn’t Buy You Lingerie

canstockphoto4705290“Take a look under your pillow,” my husband told me.

“What?” I asked.

“Just look.”

I moved my pillow and saw a black lace thong.

“I want you to put this on after your bath tonight,” he said, looking steadily into my eyes. “Nothing else. Just the thong.”

I looked down at the thong in my hands, blushing. This was so new for us that I had no idea how to respond. I had wanted this for such a long time, but I felt awkward and clueless. How would the old me have responded to this bold, sexual husband? I couldn’t remember.

This guy sitting across from me was new, and I couldn’t believe the changes from the low T days …..


The Dark Years

I walked along the aisle, my hand trailing over the lingerie. Everything was so pretty. Ooh, look at this matching bra and thong set in pink. And that turquoise teddy. The sheer variety was amazing! I picked up red lace panties, tempted to buy them.

But ….. no. No point. I already had a drawer full of lingerie that had never seen the light of day. There wasn’t much point in wearing them just for myself. And my husband certainly wasn’t interested in seeing them on me.

When had things gotten this way? My husband’s eyes used to light up when I wore pretty lingerie, but all that had changed at some point. Now we were more like affectionate roommates than lovers. 


Lingerie is a big deal to a woman. When her husband buys her lingerie, it’s the ultimate affirmation that he desires her. She’s been starved for that affirmation and desire during the low T years.

A common lament from women in (formerly) low T marriages …

“How do I get him to buy me lingerie? It’s like I’m obsessed with it lately. I keep sending him pictures and links of pretty lingerie, but he just completely ignores it. He used to love me in lingerie, but now he seems indifferent, even though he’s on T therapy. I feel hopeless that our situation will ever get better.”

Part of the Process

One of the most frustrating parts of the whole low T journey is the slow pace of improvement. I had always thought that once my husband got his testosterone levels fixed, we’d be back to how we used to be. Presto chango. Um …. no. Not so much. Our sex life simply didn’t bounce back the way we expected it to. Instead, we had a nearly two-year journey of relearning to be a couple again. It was at times more frustrating after he started T therapy than before it.

If you find yourself in the same place, this is the point where it’s easy to lose hope. After all, if he’s done all this work to restore his testosterone levels and he still isn’t buying you lingerie it hasn’t helped your sex life, then what is there left to try?

This relearning is also simply part of the process. It’s predictable and solvable. You just have to understand what’s going on. Low testosterone affects not only his hormones, but also his brain patterns. He has to redevelop the neural pathways that support healthy sexuality. The two of you have to relearn how to interact and be sexual with each other. It takes time.

If you’re a wife in a low T marriage, you can’t expect your husband to rebound immediately from what has been a demoralizing and life-changing experience for him.

A man feels emasculated when his testosterone levels are low. He’s struggling to regain his masculinity and his sexuality. So, no, he’s not going to jump right from having no libido to demanding that you wear crotch-less panties. There’s a recovery process that needs to happen first, and making demands he can’t meet is only going to slow him down.

So, don’t lose hope and give it some time. The changes you want are not going to happen overnight, but they are possible.

For men who are in the recovery process, it’s normal to feel incredibly awkward as you re-sexualize your marriage. You may feel like a poseur at the moment, but as you practice new behaviors, they will gradually start to feel natural. It’s possible to re-learn the art of seducing your wife; it takes time and practice, but it will come.

So, go ahead and start practicing being sexual with her. And for heaven’s sake, go buy her some lingerie!


I came out of the bath into the darkened bedroom, lighted only by candles. I had the thong on, but at the last moment I had added a matching black camisole. I just couldn’t make myself walk out in only a thong.

“Un uhn,” my husband said. as he started pulling the camisole off.  “That’s not what I told you to wear.”

“Okay, hold your arms out to your sides, no, stop covering up,” he said after he removed it. “Turn around. No ….. slowly,” he directed as he put his hands on my waist to slow me down. “Okay, turn again to face me. Slowwwwly.” He took a step back and looked at me in satisfaction for several long moments …………..

My high T husband. 🙂