So, you’ve been working on the things that build attraction in your marriage, and your wife has become much more interested in you. You’re getting a lot more yes’s and a lot fewer no’s.
The only problem is … she never initiates.
If you left it up to her, the two of you would only have sex when all the planets and stars align perfectly with the tides.
You’ve tried waiting to see how long it would take her to initiate, but gave that up when your testicles felt like they were the size of the Goodyear blimp.
When you do have sex, it’s great for both of you. She has lots of lovely orgasms and seems to enjoy herself. The thing you can’t understand is … if it’s so good …
Why doesn’t she ever initiate?
Two words.
Responsive Desire
Men Are Spontaneous; Women Are Responsive
Spontaneous desire is desire that springs from seemingly nowhere.
Responsive desire, on the other hand, is triggered by … something. Some type of stimulus, whether visual, verbal, mental, or physical.
You know how it works …
Someone brings cupcakes to the office.
She thinks, “Those cupcakes look delicious. I wonder how many calories they have. The frosting alone is probably a thousand calories. If I eat one, it will go straight to my hips. Oh my gosh, my hips are getting so fat!”
He thinks, “Those cupcakes look good. They look like boobs. Naked BOOBIES. My wife has boobies. sex sex SEX!”
This is one of those ways in which women are very different from men. Men tend to have spontaneous desire and women tend to have responsive desire.
In fact, depending on which data you look at, the ratios are perfectly and oppositely synchronous.
Women tend to feel spontaneous desire only about 20% of the time, while men normally feel spontaneous desire about 80% of the time.
Wow! That’s quite an eye-opener. It explains a lot, doesn’t it?
Women need a reason to have sex … Men just need a place. — Billy Crystal
Testosterone Makes the Difference
In our society, it’s easy to lose sight of the differences in men and women. We see the obvious physical differences, of course, but we forget that those differences extend far beyond the outer appearance. A woman isn’t a man who just happens to have breasts and a vagina.
Our differences extend to the very way our brains are wired.
And the biggest game changer is testosterone.
Male babies are flooded with testosterone while still in the womb. They go on to produce about 20 times more testosterone than women do. This has a profound effect on every aspect of their lives, but especially sexuality.
Is it really so surprising, then, that women don’t experience sexuality the same way men do?
Your wife doesn’t express sexuality the same way you do because … she’s not like you.
The Male of the Species is the Sexual Aggressor
In the animal kingdom, it’s typically the male who is more sexually aggressive. However, you can flip the script by messing around with testosterone levels.
When you inject female rats with testosterone, for example, they become more aggressive, running around trying to jump all the other females. When you block a male rat’s testosterone production, instead of initiating, the poor guy becomes passive and receptive to the females.
In other words, it’s not your penis that makes you a man … it’s your testosterone.
Women Often Feel Frustrated by Responsive Desire
If this is all new to you, it might be difficult to take in. None of this stuff was taught in school, and it’s difficult to fully grasp how different men and women are when it comes to sex.
As frustrating as responsive desire is to you, it’s no picnic for your wife, either. What women say about responsive desire:
“I thought for years that I was ‘broken’. I wanted to want sex, but I just couldn’t get into it right off the bat like my husband does.
He’d get that look in his eye, and my first thought was ‘Oh, crap. I’m so tired! I kind of want sex, but I need 20 minutes just to warm up’.
I never felt like I could catch up. I finally started avoiding the whole thing because it was so stressful.” – B.D.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m playing hide and seek with my libido. Now you see it, now you don’t.
The worst part is that my sex drive can tank during the day. I can really want sex in the morning, but by the time evening rolls around, I’ve been wrangling kids and work all day, and my desire has disappeared like a leaf in the wind.” – S.L.
“I wish I could be sexual by default. If I could change my hard wiring to be more like a man, I would. Because to be honest, it’s aggravating to always have to be acted upon to feel sexual. It would be nice if my sexuality was simpler, and I could switch the switch and feel instant desire the way my husband does.” – R.W.
The World Shifts When You Understand Responsive Desire
Understanding responsive desire is the key to getting the sex life you want. Expecting your wife to consistently experience spontaneous desire and initiate is kind of like expecting her to grow biceps and a beard.
Short of injecting her full of testosterone on a regular basis, she will never experience sexuality the same way you do. However, once you understand how she’s wired, there is a lot you can do to encourage a more intense sexual response from her.
I’ll be talking about that in the next post. For now, it’s enough to simply adjust your expectations to match the reality of how a woman is sexually wired. This will cut down on a lot of the frustration you’re experiencing over your wife’s lack of initiative, and set you up for the next step in the attraction game.
thank you. you may have just saved my marriage.
Hi @keith –
I’m so glad. 🙂
Keith, If your wife knows that it makes you happy for her to initiate from time to time and she does not, she is not trying to make things work. There is nothing difficult in taking your hand and leading you in to your bedroom. It only takes an honest interest in your feelings to fix this issue. I am sure that most men who have had many partners, have found that some of them were willing to initiate, so where did they go? People get lazy and take their spouses for granted, I have had dozens of men and women discuss this with me when I was tending bar. Sad that there is an excuse for everything which requires a bit of application
Because women don’t have sex just to make their spouses happy. The woman has to be in the mood too, it’s not all about the man’s wants, needs, feelings, desires. How could you enjoy sex with a woman who felt forced into initiation just to satisfy her spouse even though she wasn’t in the mood. And yes some women may take a man’s hand a lead them into the bedroom but that’s because they felt like doing it that particular time.
It’s about both partners. Sex is a huge part of the relationship. It comes with the territory. Have to make an concerted effort on both sides. No excuses unless it’s a medical issue.
So basically if I don’t ever feel like cooking dinner it’s ok not to and just expect that my wife cook dinner always? It’s about respect and considering your partners feelings. If i come home and my wife isn’t in the mood to cook, even though I’m not in the mood I am going to do it because I love and care for her, is that me being forced into cooking dinner and is that an injustice? This is flawed logic, nobody is saying anyone should be forced into doing anything but sometimes we need to make sacrifices for each other, that’s what marriage is.
@Man —
You’re right, people do need to make sacrifices for each other in marriage.
But think about it for a minute … does a man really want his wife to ‘sacrifice’ in order to have sex with him? Isn’t what he really wants is an enthusiastic wife who’s hot for him, who has porn star sex with him because she’s wildly attracted to him?
It is completely possible to build attraction in a marriage and get that wild, passionate wife. I see it over and over again with clients.
When you talk about ‘sacrificial’ sex, it’s not a matter of asking for too much … it’s a matter of settling for too little.
Rebecca
Men are horny far more often than women, so it’s easier for them to get motivated to initiate sex. With that said, I believe women IN LOVE long term usually initiate not because they’re initially horny but because they get horny turning on and seeing their man turned on. If she never initiates she has selfish/laziness/love issues and/or truly just doesn’t care about having sex with you anymore, no matter what you try, how good at sex you are or how caring you are. A man can also have selfish/laziness/love issues too if he always gets off without getting her off (two pump chump, go to sleep). She’s being used as a sex tool, and that’s just as bad as her never wanting sex or initiating sex.
@Alan —
Don’t ever believe it, Alan. 50 Shades of Grey is the fastest selling paperback of all time; it’s sold more than a million copies on Kindle, alone. Who’s buying it? Women. Upward of 80% of all readers are women. Women can be enormously sexual; it’s just that they’re typically responsive rather than spontaneous.
Think of it like this …
You’ve got a beautiful Lamborghini sitting in your driveway. You turn the key in the ignition and … nothing. You check everything … gas and oil, battery, transmission, starter, fuel filter … nothing works. You get out, kick the tires, call it a piece of crap, and swear off Lamborghinis forever.
What you didn’t know was that you had the wrong key. It’s not that you’re a bad driver, it’s not that the car is faulty … you simply had the wrong key.
To get her motor running, you have to use the right key.
Rebecca
@Rebecca – True, men are spontaneous, turned on with or without a key, as women need the right key. I say sometimes women need to be spontaneous and find their own key once and a while and then put it in the ignition themselves. It’s normal and ok to do occasionally, and it doesn’t lessen the sex in any way anyone regrets. It doesnt’t have to be this crazy animalistic sex every time and it’s foolish to think anyone can. Society says It’s the guy’s job to find the right key, not always, that is the end result of men being horny so much they can’t wait for a woman to initiate.
The result of that has made the belief that men are the only ones who are responsible to initiate. In a perfect world, we’d love women to be horny most the time, like a man, it’s never going to happen. I’m not saying women aren’t sexual, they are very, it’s just not as instant or frequent as a man, and that’s ok, believe that!
As far as 50 shades, I was amazed why women like either the movies or the books which I have read and seen. They were the worst written books not to mention the bad acting in the movies. I’ve read many sexual stories, love them, and these by far didn’t even get anything sturring down there. If I had to give a reason why they were as popular as they are, it’s more about the storyline, sexy mega-rich powerful guy and him being a bad boy, obsessed with her, pushing her sexual limits without making her feeling like a whore because she secretly wanted it. It’s an exciting fantasy, and most women don’t expect anything like that in real life. We have to separate fantasy from real life here. I’ve talked to quite a few women who have read the books, most said that the storyline was attractive and fun, great escapism but none of them said they became horny over them. Some said it was boring and couldn’t get past the second chapter. One million is a lot but not when there are 150 million women in the US between 18 and 65. We may find the other 149 million hated it.
Good points, @Alan —
Attracted women do initiate. You only have to look at how women come on to celebrities to see that.
The trick, of course, is to build attraction in a marriage so she wants to initiate.
Rebecca
OMG did you really say “You only have to look at how women come on to celebrities to see that”? You dont think woman are into celebrities for the money at all and thats why they are attracted to them? Truth hurts and celebrities 90% of the time treat their woman like crap (or is that how woman really want to be treated). Just look up your favorite celebrity that you lust after and read the headlines…
@Jason —
You’re right, money, power, and status definitely impact attraction.
Rebecca
Good point Rebecca
My xwife never came on to me for 4 years of our marriage, as I always initiated sex, accept for a few times when we first met. I decided to not do anything and wait to see how long it would take for her to initiate. It never happened. About 3 months later I came home one night after work to a dark apartment. She had left and wanted a divorce. I mentioned to her later what I was waiting for from her but she still wanted a divorce. Strange how things work out. Still glad I did it though. Got tired of always being the aggressor and keeping the marriage going.
I dont buy it. My wife claims to be only attracted to me and she wants sex all the time but NEVER in 10 years of marriage has she initiated. I dont buy the biological or “our brains are wired differently” baloney.
@Ross Cumberledge —
Well, okay, you don’t buy it. But is that working for you? Based on your comments, you don’t have the sex life you want.
Nothing will change until you make changes.
https://hightmarriage.com/the-3-times-a-woman-initiates-like-a-man/
https://hightmarriage.com/why-she-wants-sex-less-than-you/
Rebecca
It’s just more excuses, and more ways they refuse to be held responsible for anything.
@Peter Check Out Channel 9 —
The words ‘responsible’ and ‘sex’ don’t belong in the same sentence … unless you’re talking about birth control or STD’s.
Who wants a woman to have sex with them because she feels ‘responsible’? No, what you want … what every guy wants … is a woman who is wild, eager, panting, begging for it. And the only way to get that … is to do the things that build attraction.
Rebecca
What Peter’s talking about is taking responsibility for the relationship, and yep, that includes sex.
Nonsense. There’s nothing a man can do that will put a woman in a mood she doesn’t want to be in. Conversely, there’s just about anything he tries that can quickly put her “in a mood.”
So well said Alan, only a selfish and or biased person can argue with your comment. Love = Giving gets Love in return, regardless of the gender. If you your partners truly cares about something and you don’t care that is selfish and you do not deserve a relationship, this applies to both men and women.
Here’s what I don’t get….what the heck do you do when the whole spontaneous vs responsive desire extends to practically anything you consider intimate? I mean, it seems like my wife is incapable of even hinting at sex or anything dirty. The infuriating part is the ‘responsive’ part is like a roulette wheel. There have been times when I’ve tried everything I can think of to get her to notice me, only to continue to be completely ignored. Our sex life is non-existent. I don’t know how many times I’ve told her exactly what I need, and she still doesn’t do it….all because of this ‘responsive’ nature women have.
Women always talk about ‘feelings’…’you just have to understand me’, etc. Is it just me or is it hilarious that while they sit there and complain about how you aren’t doing whatever it is on that given day, YOUR feelings never enter the equation. Then they justify such behavior by this ridiculous mantra that’s reverberated ad naseum in almost every area of our lives – in school, at work, in the media, 99% of what comes out of the entertainment industry, etc. – that men are sexaholics, interested in only the physical, and incapable of controlling their own thoughts and desires. All the while, women are so overly concerned with the sexiness of their appearance that they spend a small fortune on everything from hair products to shoes and everything in between. But when men respond to that, we’re considered pigs or neanderthals?
Women excel at destroying the essence of what makes their man a man. Never initiating is the first ding to his confidence. Rejecting his advances after he waits weeks for you to make ONE move really damages his confidence. Fighting about sex only to have to inform your wife that you officially gave up on sex 3 weeks prior and she hadn’t noticed anything being wrong….well, that’s kind of like your confidence is a tea set dropped from the top of the empire state building. The hilarious thing after all that, is you can still, STILL put together the teaspoon of confidence your left with to try one last time to make a pass at your wife…..
….only to be rejected again…and again….and again…or worse, you get into some big blowup fight about it and get to have ‘pity’ sex.
It’s not even about the d@mn sex! I just want to know that I’m still desirable. That just the thought of me can get her engine started. That for just once, SHE would be the one to initiate. The for once, I would be the one to say…’Eh, I’m too tired.’, only to have her not take ‘no’ for an answer and have her way with me.
…and then…after being married nearly 10 years, and looking back at all that time, all the fights about sex, and still not being able to unravel the mystery that is the female sex drive…you come to the realization that of all those fights about sex, not once has she ever fought with you about her not getting enough sex. Then you really get depressed, but not just because you have the sex appeal of bowling ball…because none of this makes any sense. You waited until marriage to have sex, and she didn’t. She’s the only one you’ve ever slept with while you get the privilege of sending her into double digits. It’s a cruel joke that plays out every time you get rejected. ‘If she’s slept with 9 other guys, why the hell won’t she sleep with me now?’ She obviously needed sex back then…why doesn’t she need it now? What the heck is wrong with me…to which I will tell all the other men with similar problems – that is a long and dark path you don’t want to go down, and 99% of the time, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Today’s society loves to blame men for everything. Sex is a huge part of marriage. A marriage is supposed to be where you give yourselves to one another. Honestly, if you aren’t BOTH intimate towards one another, what are you? Friends? 2 adults raising some kids together? What (besides frustrated and depressed)?
Lastly, let’s set the story straight about sex (at least my perspective on it). In order of importance, this is what sex provides me with:
1) It’s the absolute closest I can be with my wife. It is the physical embodiment of our love. Nothing makes me feel more loved and connected.
2) It gives my confidence a shot with an epi pen….in almost every way that a person’s confidence can be bolstered….my pride, my manhood, my ability to fulfill all her needs (well beyond physical), my self worth…I could go on for days.
3) It’s spiritual. I think when your mental, physical, and spiritual desires come into alignment, it’s as close to a state of euphoria as we can get.
4) It’s a break from everything I hate about this world. I don’t have to worry about our finances, or the house work, or the kids, etc. Its the ultimate stress relief (and release) for a small amount of time.
5) It’s physical. Yes, for 15 seconds or whatever, guys get to have an orgasm. But here’s the thing…it ain’t hard for a guy to have an orgasm and there are far easier ways to get it done. Anyone who thinks guys are in it just because of the physical aspects has been brainwashed.
Hi @Jeff,
It is heartbreaking to be sexually rejected. It really is. You’re absolutely right that sex provides more than just orgasms, there are so many components to it.
It is possible to build attraction in your marriage so your wife is not just willing, she’s actually eager. I know that’s hard to believe, but I see it happen over and over again, once people understand the biology behind desire.
Take a look through the Attracting Your Wife posts, I think you’ll find them helpful.
Rebecca
Jeff you’re comment hurts my soul.. so dead on.. The thing is my friend our wife’s don’t give a fuck about us at all.. Isn’t crazy how asking for a 2 minute handjob seems like you’re asking them to do 72 hours hard labor…
I forget the last time my gf took the time to give ME a happy ending. She makes grunting / annoyed sounds when she has to do that.
I can’t remember the last time she initiated sex. year after year, I have brought it up, and nothing changes.
@Peter Check Out Channel 9 —
Never accept crappy sex. It’s a Display of Low Value.
Rebecca
I agree whole heartedly
Amen….they should let us have girlfriendssssdddd!!!
@Jeff —
Keeping a girlfriend/affair partner in a marriage takes a huge amount of energy. It’s a better long-term strategy to simply invest all that time and energy into building attraction within, rather than outside, the marriage.
Rebecca
I feel exactly the same. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only husband in this situation.
@Jeff —
It’s really painful to be in a marriage where there’s no attraction or intimacy.
It is possible to build attraction in a marriage. I see it happen all the time in the clients I coach.
Take a look at the posts in Attracting Your Wife; I think you’ll find them helpful.
Rebecca
@Jeff and @Rebecca
Jeff I couldn’t have said it better myself. I could have wrote that word for word. My wife and I have been married for 16 years. At first our marriage was awesome. We were lusting over each other. Loving each other with all out passion. We never had the its just the two of us against the world. She had a infant before we got together. Her ex left her after getting her knocked up and vanished.
This first date we had I knew she was the one, I wanted to to be with. After 4 months of being together we got married. We married Young. She was 20 I was 21.
After a year of marriage we hit a bump in the road. She started getting wild and wanting to go out and party all the time. I would stay and watch my daughter. We almost broke up, I found out she was seeing other guys, she never admitted to cheating but “momma never raised no fool. I confronted her about it and we sat down talked it over thoroughly. We decided to push forward, and stay together. Everything was back to normal and life was good.
Sex started to become an issue after the Hay days. It started 2 or 3 times a day, or whenever we had free time, to maybe 2 times every 3 months. It just felt like “Pity” Sexy. I thought it was suppose to be like that. It must be something normal. People say that’s the price of being married. I started flirting with a co-worker. I enjoyed her company. We would talk about different things and I was sexually attracted to her. Thankfully I didn’t follow through with what I was about to do.
My wife realized I was getting close to this co-worker. A little to close for her liking. She was starting to become intimate with me more. It was like we were in the lust stage again. She always wanted to do things with me and initiate sex. To the point where she would just grab me by the bits and guide me to the bedroom. I was still talking to me co-worker at the time, until my wife accused me of cheating. I told her I was flirting with her but we never kissed or had sex. We ended up having another talk. She started crying and sobbing. Wanted me to stop talking to her. Long story short I ended up quitting my job and cut all communication with the other woman. Sex was still good but she started getting comfortable again. Fast forward to present. Sex is almost non-existent. I tried everything but she is too tired, to busy, kids are not asleep, or not in the mood. I have heard every excuse to why she couldn’t have sex. I played around with her and told her I was just going to stop trying to have sex. Her response, “I could care less if I had sex again.”
Its so frustrating. I’m to the point where I say to hell with being married. It seemed like if I was chasing something else but her. She was interested.
@Jonathon —
Complacency is death to attraction. Affairs do shake a partner out of complacency, but at a high cost.
The better alternative is to build attraction in your marriage. Take a look at the posts in ‘Attracting Your Wife’. I think you’ll find them helpful.
Rebecca
Jeff, I had to read your posting a few times because man it really hit home for me. You’re very articulate and hit it right on the head. I’m in that exact situation and I copied your post and sent it to my wife. It’s an extremely frustrating situation and although I think I’m pretty articulate I could have never expressed it as well as you. Thank you
@ Jeff. That is the best comment I have seen on any site. That was well said it is every way that I feel also.
@Rebecca I have read a good majority of comments here and a few things come to mind. A lot of men feel the same. We want sex not just for the orgasm but the connection that is made. I personally love sex when I feel my wife’s naked body on mine. I love holding her close to me while doing our thing. I know my wife loves it also. But the big thing is she will NEVER initiate. Yet talks about it and says she loves it. But NEVER, EVER, initiates.
If she loves sex like she says she does then why do men have to initiate? I help my wife with both of our kids. I do the dishes when she cooks. When I end up cooking I still do the dishes. I help with baths, I help get the kids ready for school. There is nothing my wife can say that eludes to me not helping around the house. But when my wife will talk something sexy right after dinner I am thinking we are going to have sex tonight but only to find out she decided to watch a show to late and wont shower until the morning. She will not have sex unless she takes a shower because she does not feel clean. SO now after all of that sexy talk she did I have to wait another day for sex. The next night she will stay up late talking to her brother that lives with us. So now sex that night. The next night she takes a shower too late and falls asleep within minutes of hitting her pillow.
So now you see what guys go through. 3 days ago our wives will talk something sexy which makes the husband think sex will happen soon. But, the wife never puts herself into a position for us men to act on it.
I have read most of your comments @Rebecca and I will have to be blunt. You are still looking at it from a woman’s perspective. You seem to be giving advice that hints that you feel the guys pain but you seem to lead them on a path that says for the man to do more to make his wife feel in the mood. The problem is, most of our wives are not in the mood. And when they are that mood lasts only minutes. Yes we are hard wired differently. I get it. I try to work around that hard wiring. But all I see is men are sex pigs. It is all over the media now a days.
Another thing I can take away is that women expect men to understand their feelings but that is not reciprocal. It’s like men do not have feelings.
@Rebecca, again I will be blunt, reading most of the comments here from other men and from you I can see that you are not stepping out of your women’s shoes and trying to look at it from a male perspective. Most of us men have taken steps back and tried to put ourselves into our wives shoes. You also state that MEN need to build the attraction in the marriage. But why are you not telling the women to do that also? You are basically telling men they have to do it all.
Ok so here is analogy for you. I assume you have been on a plane at least once. When you are boarding the plane have you looked into the cockpit and seen the pilots going over a check list and all of the buttons surrounding the pilots? All of the buttons they have to push and knobs they have to turn to get the plane ready. Now imagine that all of those buttons are women’s emotions. Because to men this is what it feels like. Men have to find the right combination of buttons to push to make our wives happy. Then find the right combination of buttons to make her feel sexy. Next we have to find the right combination of buttons to get her to want to have sex. Now imagine that check list the pilots have, now throw it out the window. Because that same checklist never works every time. The check list changes. And it can change often.
Now imagine looking into a cockpit and seeing only 5 buttons. There is no real need for a checklist as the buttons to push to make men happy is very limited. Much simpler.
So now my question to you Rebecca, why is it that men are being told we need to figure out all of those buttons? Why not tell women to make their lives simpler?
@Mike S —
Who would I tell? Women who don’t want sex don’t end up at High T Marriage.
Rebecca
Best comment yet. Well stated.
Jeff you just hit straight to the point, am going through similar situation and it all brings me to conclude that perhaps those man in a multiple relationships or polygamist found the solution. Time to not care about sex will come when we’re old not now
But Jeff, you’ve just described a whole lot of things that are in it for you. What about her? Have you ever asked her what she needs from you? You talk about your orgasm, do you help her to orgasm? Do you spend the time talking to her about it? What about her needs? Are YOU concerned about HER? If you showed her that you value and treasure her, you’d get a lot more of what you need. It sounds to me like you haven’t bothered.
There’s nothing worse than pity sex. I want my wife to want me, to need sex with me. Her letting me have sex with her is not the goal.
@RCB —
Yep. The problem is not wanting too much, it’s settling for too little. It is possible to build attraction (in most marriages) so that your wife is not only willing, she’s eager.
Rebecca
OMG …. what Jeff stated is so very true and spot on brother! I didn’t get into marriage or a relationship to be a room-mate or a friend. Yeah, we are wired differently, man and woman, but there has to be some middle ground. There is so much of the BS therapy stuff going around … I think if a guy has a normal sex drive … that is partner needs to wake the “f” up and give it up [what I mean is to stop making us keep waiting and waiting … that we get so flustered with being rejected that we stop asking for sex, and, your partner figures we’re are juts going to masturbate to take care of our urge until you are “readY’ {whenever the “f” that may be] … and not make us feel so darn worthless and Urghhh all the time! It just sucks what we have to deal and put up with.
@Irv —
It would be nice if it worked that way. But the only thing that really helps you get what you want is to build attraction in the marriage.
Rebecca
Thanks your patiently replies Rebecca, but I am sorry attraction cannot be built, it has to exist naturally. If I have to climb a mountain everyday or play tricks to impress my wife then I am not being authentic self (and that’s another story you will hear women want men who are authentic). Either you are attracted or not attracted and if you are not attracted to your partner you should not use him/her as your support system (financial, emotional etc).
Relationships are 50/50 or 100/100. After reading the comments in my opinion you’re just making excuses. Why is it that others don’t have this problem? Some women initiate sex.
I don’t think he meant sacrifice in the way you said it. He means caring more for someone else than yourself. My marriage ended because my wife never initiated. It took 20 years for her to admit she wasn’t in love with me and it was only about financial security and retirement.
I walked out. A man can only gasp for air for so long before he either dies or breathes.
@joe —
My heart goes out to you. Rejection is so painful.
Rebecca
It’s actually just to know that you are wanted by your wife…It would feel so nice to feel desired by my wife…A woman is all over a man she is dating but instantly loses that when she says “I do”
@Mike —
The novelty of a new relationship creates enough dopamine to fire attraction, but it’s not sustainable. As the novelty wears off, so does the dopamine, and thus the attraction.
There really aren’t a lot of shortcuts if you’re wanting to build attraction in a long-term relationship.
Rebecca
Not true.
Hi there,
I’ve been married to my wife for 15 years. It’s hard to believe but I remember having a sex argument on our wedding night. What was I thinking… anyway, 15 years later 2 kids and lots to get done. She chooses everything before me. Shopping, dance group, work the kids, her parents and so on. Sex has always been initiated by me. I’m a pleaser, her orgasms are important to me and I enjoy it. I plan bath nights, which she most often rejects, I plan candle massage nights, hotel nights, I cook, I clean, I handle the kids, I’m handy, save us a ton on money in house hold stuff, I’m in shape. I do everything in my power to get her to initiate, get excited, be optimistic about it, nothing works. Sometimes I ask can we be intimate tonight, her answer is, we can…. good lord, what an answer. I don’t want to leave because I my kids, but honestly I feel I deserve so much better.
What’s your advice on this. Keep in mind, we have sex, but she only seems into it very little from time to time, never puts any effort in. Shows up on candle nights in our bedroom with track pants on…
I’m lost
I think your missing the point. A women should “WANT” to please her husband. The same as men want to please their wife. If you think about it as “sacrificing” your with the wrong person.
No Jon, you’re missing the point. All of you men are.
“o basically if I don’t ever feel like cooking dinner it’s ok not to and just expect that my wife cook dinner always? “…
I could not have framed this any better. Thank you!
@joe —
The person who’s the most hungry is generally the one who ends up starting dinner.
Rebecca
and therefore Rebecca the attraction cannot be built, man will be simply exhausted doing that instead find a woman who is compatible with you, who finds you irresistible and you will be in love. You fall in love with someone who goes above and beyond to make you happy.
It seems that none of you are willing to put any effort into your relationships at all. Yes, it does take effort and intentionality over a long period of time. The honeymoon period doesn’t last forever and you have to work at it. I love my husband with everything I have, we’ve been married for 30 years, we still have sex, I initiate, he initiates. It’s changed over the years, we go for quality over quantity now, but we have to be proactive and intentional. It does take work, it doesn’t ‘just happen.’
Hey Rebecca, just making a little note.
It kind of sounds like, these guys don’t understand that a woman’s attraction can fade. When I was reading these guys comments/posts, I got the vibe that they’ve lost their confidence to initiate.
And Women, by default have a sixth sense about these vibes. Sure, us, men can read these vibes, but women are so good at it, they don’t even know they’re doing it. And I read your replies to most of them which generally points to what I’m trying to say.
It’s our job, as men, to keep a woman’s attraction for us strong. The goal is not to get into her pants, but to make her feel feminine, in comparison to a mans masculinity. 100% of the time, they’ll feel the desire for you, (Which sounds like what these guys want. They want a woman to want them) Another thing they need to understand, is attraction for women is a process, not an instant switch. [Women need to be aroused FIRST before they can feel desire for you]
Being insecure with yourself is a really really bad thing for your sex life. It’s a turn off for woman. And that’s the vibe I get from reading their (mens) post.
When I want sex from a woman, I don’t just hit on her, and ‘ask’ for sex. I don’t just walk up to a woman, smile at her, and be like “So…you wanna..you know.”
By default, woman respond well to charisma, confidence and leadership. Whatever you do, don’t lose these traits!
Another thing, I noticed that these men were trying to do things around the house to make her want them. It doesn’t work, because the attraction faded (You can get it back though!) If you don’t trigger her attraction for you, than doing these nice things lead to AFFECTION.
Know the difference between attraction and affection. It’s truee, women are wired, to not care about looks. And it is DAMN 100% TRUE. Ask any women what they find attractive and most of the time, they’ll hesitate and give you a stereotype answer.
Guy has to have money, be good looking. be fit, be muscular. Even non-stereotype answers like “I like my guys fat or bald”.
True, women like these traits. But they only find these things attractive, because they met a guy who was able to trigger their desires for them. And these guys, with their physical flaws, that triggered a woman’s sexual desire, their flaws actually become attractive.
So in short, listen to Rebecca and BUILD YOUR WOMAN’S ATTRACTION FOR YOU. I’m confident, you’ll get an eager, willing, even porn-star level, Sex with your partner.
YOU NEED TO BUILD ATTRACTION BEFORE you do nice things for her (Wash dishes, cleaning the house etc) If you don’t, then she’ll only feel AFFECTION. And affection NEVER leads to sex. Lol. I tried for a long time AND NEVER got sex. (Just pity sex! And that’s never fun!)
Phew. I hope the men understand what I was trying to say. Any thoughts to what I said, Rebecca? All this,, is something that I learned thru experience. I wish I knew all these things when I hit puberty. Might have been a whole different life if I knew all these things back then. (Lmao).
Hey Julian, these men didn’t lose their confidence to initiate, they are “screaming” they are tired of ALWAYS initiating. Initiating shows the other person that you desire them. They are asking over and over why is it so difficult for most women to initiate on occasion? It’s not wrong for men to know their wives desire them. How? By wives initiating too or at least flirting and showing affection more. I believe in a lot of cases she’s lost her desire from being so comfortable in her relationship. If a man complains about lack of sex many times we hear women say, “If I didn’t get so tired from the kids, cleaning the house, cooking and doing the laundry maybe I’d have the energy and desire for sex”. Some women say, “when I see my husband cleaning it’s the sexiest thing”. Men were listening and said, “Ok, I’ll pitch in and do those chores too”. Well, women still didn’t want to initiate or have sex. Now men are asking, “Hey, I’m doing what you asked, how come you still don’t want to initiate?”. Men also aren’t buying the “lack of interest because men have changed” and “women are more subtle about wanting it” excuse. Most of these men have experienced a lustful wife that initiated early on in their relationship and now they don’t. They want to know why it’s changed and we don’t want the lowered biological/mental desire excuses for her laziness that’s apparent. Men also ask and rightfully so, was the early sex a means to an end meaning marriage, or did they ever really want it? Oh, women may have truly wanted sex in the beginning but for some reason, it’s too much work now. Many women have become so accustomed and secure in their relationship that they have become lazy in the sexual area? Men are frustrated to find the answer, they are fixers, that’s what they do and try so many things thinking that they must do something. All the while it’s her that must do something. On this thread men are being told it’s because he is not dominant enough or because men aren’t activating her chemicals, it’s not the answer, it just puts the burden on him and only enables her complacency and invalidates the love/sex/lust they once shared. If women could admit that maybe they are being lazy now and that being comfortable feels great, so much so that initiating sex doesn’t matter anymore, they could work towards a better sex life together. It’s really an awful thing because I think deep inside women they know what the answer is and they won’t say the truth, because that would put uncertainty in their relationship. So it ends up with their husbands complaining and if he’s lucky the wives will give in for a couple of weeks and when their husbands quiet down they then go back to their splendid complacency only to start the cycle over again. Disclaimer: The above is addressing the issue the men are writing about in this thread. I’d also say that women also have sex issues with husbands that are lazy as well and those issues are different and most of the time are the man’s fault.
@Alan —
Unless someone is hungry, they don’t search out restaurants. True for both men and women.
Rebecca
Eventually one gets tired of cooking first regardless of being hungry. It’s time to ante up and do your part. Time to cook.
I almost agreed with all you said until the end where you said that “women have sex issues with husbands that are lazy as well and those issues are different and most of the time are the man’s fault.” Total backpedal there. I can tell you from experience that most of the time it’s not that husbands are lazy. It’s the fact that men get so used to being put on the back burner and shown daily that they don’t matter in the grand scheme of the family. So they separate themselves from the woman who claims to love them but does everything to prove to them that the only love she has for him extends only as far as what he can do for her or the house or the children. I can tell you first-hand that my desire to have sex with my wife died when I realized I hold no place in her heart or any place of importance in my home outside of providing livelihood for my house’s occupants.
@Julian —
”
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Absolutely true, @Julian. It’s a tough concept to wrap your mind around at first; hence the anger of some of the commenters. But once you start putting the concepts into action and see the results, you become a believer!
Rebecca
Bull. It doesn’t matter how much pseudo-scientific babble is spewed about how a woman works compared to a man. If women cared about their men,they would initiate instead of always being so selfish and expecting us to create some idea that they are so irresistible and we must pursue them as though each one of them are some kind of goddess. News flash! Men need to feel like we’re not just around to fulfill the desires of women. Neither sex is so special that the other has to constantly be the only one showing that the other is desirable. That’s rooted in selfishness.
Both need an appetite, or he’s going to eat alone. Again.
Or look elsewhere to eat…
LOL And that’s why I’m the master of our kitchen! 😀
very well said man…you hit the nail in the coffin.
It’s always about the woman’s wants and desires, just not in the sexual way more in the materialistic, house getting the way she wants it, making sure you pull your weight with the kids even though you already do and you work full time she does part time but she does everything she pays for everything, even though her wages would just about cover the food shopping and nothing else