Okay, this one is for the ladies who are still in The Waiting Place ………..
Over at MMSL, we have a term called ‘running your Map’. Map stands for Mindful Attraction Plan after the book by the same name. It’s all about making the changes that allow you to have the life you want.
What I am consistently noticing is that a lot of women don’t want to run their Map. They are allowing blockages to keep them from going the distance. For example:
Conversation over at the MMSL Forum with a woman trying to improve a fairly difficult marriage with a husband who’s resistant to making any changes ………
Me: Best advice… do everything in your power to get that hot body, get a make-over, change your wardrobe, find activities that are dopamine-producing, come home glowing with all the fun you’ve had. Don’t sit around and wait on your husband. It’s a huge DLV and will de-rail any progress you’ve made.
Her: You know..I’ll be honest, I’m resistant to this because if I go back to dressing well all the time, and doing my makeup and hair, and otherwise running my map, he’ll be even more attracted and more likely to make a move, and I don’t want him to. I don’t want him to initiate or flirt with me in his awkward/beta ways, which turns me off and leads down that path. Also, every time I’ve done that, he’s gone back to his old ways, because for him, he’s getting what he wants, an attractive wife, regardless of whether he does his work.
Okay, I see this all the time with women. They think they’re running their Map, they say they’re running their Map, but really, they’re still basically waiting for their husband to get on board.
It doesn’t work.
If you are still Mapping based on your husband’s reactions, you have put all your power into his hands.
There’s a covert contract women run where they say, “Okay, IF my husband does what I want him to do, THEN I will do xyz to get more attractive. Why should I be more attractive for him if he isn’t going to be more attractive to me?” Sometimes without realizing it, they are punishing him for the years of neglect he’s shown.
The for him part is the crucial phrase. You are not getting more attractive for your husband. You are getting more attractive for yourself.
Just as we tell the guys … you have to improve yourself *for you*. Go full out. Get to the gym. Get that perfect hour-glass figure …. or as close as genetics will allow. Grow your hair out, improve your wardrobe. Each one of us needs to be at a point where people notice when we walk into a room. Are you getting glances from attractive guys? If not, you aren’t running your Map to the fullest.
Get a social group where you have frequent fun outings. Get to the point where you don’t dwell on your husband’s action because you have so many awesome things going on in your life.
Stop being angry. Many women don’t realize how unattractive anger is to a man. As long as we are angry at our husbands, we are diminishing their attraction for us and their desire to change. I know it’s difficult to let go of the anger and the feeling that you’re being cheated out of the marriage you always wanted, but it is possible.
You keep thinking that if only your husband would change, you could stop being angry. It’s counter-intuitive, but truly letting go of the anger has nothing at all to do with your husband, and everything to do with you. Once you start doing the things in your life that bring you flowing energy, your husband’s actions will no longer control your emotions. When you fill your life up with the things that bring you joy, your anger will dissipate.
As much as possible, keep your emotions out of it. You need a cool, logical, progressive strategy to truly run your Map. One step after the other, no matter what your husband decides to do.
You have to destabilize the relationship in order for a Lazy Bear spouse to get it.
What would you do if your husband disappeared tomorrow?
Do that now.