The fastest way to get her attention and build attraction in your marriage is to stop doing this one single thing.
I can guarantee you’re doing it in your marriage, and it absolutely tanks attraction.
The one thing?
You’ve stopped pursuing your own interests and passions in favor of orbiting your wife. And that one thing is absolutely deadly to attraction and sex.
I know that goes counter to everything you’ve always been told but stay with me.
Here’s what we’re going to cover:
- How being a ‘sure thing’ kills interest
- Why mystery is essential to attraction
- What’s so magic about the “Magic Place of Out’
- 4-Step Plan to Build Attraction & Desire
Women Are Highly Attracted to Interesting Men Who Do Their Own Thing
Society has made almost a fetish about men devoting all their time and attention to their wife and family, but it comes at a high cost because it basically destroys that sense of ‘mystery’ that so attracts women.
We know that women are highly attracted to interesting men who passionately pursue their own hobbies, have their own friend group, and do exciting things. They’re attracted by the mystery of not knowing where he is or what he’s doing at any given time.
Women are naturally attracted to men who have things to do, places to go, and people to see.
Think back to when you were first dating … you had friends, hobbies, activities that had nothing to do with your wife. And that’s what intrigued and attracted her to you.
That attraction paid off in lots of passionate, exciting, spontaneous, enthusiastic sex!
But look what’s happened since then.
Orbiting Your Wife Tanks Her Attraction
Over the years, and especially after kids, you gradually stopped going out and doing your own thing; you stopped seeing your friends and you started spending almost all your time with your wife and family.
And sex has plummeted!
See how that works?
Trying to be a ‘good husband’, orbiting your wife like she’s the earth and you’re the moon, is the very thing diminishing attraction in your marriage.
You’re actually hurting your marriage while trying to do the ‘right thing’.
If you want to see your wife highly attracted and enthusiastic about being with you again, both sexually and otherwise, the fastest way to get her attention is to pursue your own interests.
You Need Space in Your Togetherness
Spending too much time together steals sexual tension from a relationship.
When you have large quantities of time together, the quality of time spent with each other necessarily drops. The time together is flattening and mind-numbing, leaching energy out of both of you.
Picture a typical Friday night spent watching TV on the sofa and playing on devices. It’s totally deadening. You don’t really want to be there, but you feel guilty about leaving for something more fun. And don’t want to face her complaints if you go out to do something on your own.
Familiarity breeds contempt. And boredom. And complacency.
Contempt, boredom, and complacency are all the enemies of attraction because they’re the antithesis of dopamine.
And dopamine is essential to attraction and desire.
The Lois Lane Paradox – the fastest way to get her attention is to go do your own thing
As much as women say they want their guy around all the time, it doesn’t work out in real life.
Not even in the movies.
Take Lois Lane.
Clark Kent is always there for her. He’s predictable … dependable … hard-working … safe. He obviously adores Lois and will do anything for her.
She spends most of her days with Clark. Proximity should mean something right?
Superman only need look her way and she dumps poor Clark in a heartbeat! She’s head over heels, never knowing who Superman really is or what he’s doing. Talk about mystery!
Clark is too much of a sure thing. He never stood a chance.
The Science – It’s All about Dopamine
Attraction and passionate sex are all about dopamine and a related hormone, norepinephrine.
These chemicals create excitement, energy, and euphoria, along with attraction and sexual desire.
Dopamine is the neurotransmitter of motivation, focus, drive, and pleasure. Of challenge and reward.
Novelty & Uncertainty Drive Dopamine
As it turns out, our brains produce dopamine when we’re faced with novelty and uncertainty. We actually need a certain level of stress in order to stay interested.
When something is too easy, our brains don’t produce enough dopamine or norepinephrine to motivate us to keep going. We lose interest.
Dopamine Drives Attraction Sky-High
It turns out that when a woman is highly attracted to her partner, her dopamine and norepinephrine levels soar sky-high, while at the same time, she experiences a drop in serotonin levels (the molecule responsible for feeling peaceful and content with the here and now).
Obviously, while you can’t maintain that edge every minute of every day for the whole duration of a long-term marriage, you do need at least some pockets of dopamine and norepinephrine to keep attraction strong.
Being a Sure Thing Kills Attraction
What’s killing Attraction in your marriage is that in your wife’s eyes, you are a sure thing. You’re dependable, reliable, predictable.
All these years, you thought that was a good thing but in truth, it’s too much of a good thing. It’s one of the things sapping your sex life.
Women Are Attracted by Uncertainty
As it happens, women are more attracted and sexually interested in a man when they’re not certain of him.
In a famous dating study, women were divided into 3 groups. Each woman was shown pictures of ‘dating prospects’ and given information about whether the man in question liked her or not.
As you would expect, the research found that when a woman believed the man liked her a lot, she was more attracted than when she was told the man liked her only an average amount.
The big surprise, however, was that when a woman wasn’t sure of whether or not the man was interested, she found him the most attractive of all.
Maybe not so surprising, though, given our knowledge of how uncertainty affects dopamine and Attraction.
The not knowing … the uncertainty … created the highest level of interest and attraction, presumably because of the attendant dopamine increases.
Being a good husband and a good dad is all very well, but too much certainty and complacency means your marriage loses the element of uncertainty which produces the dopamine that drives attraction.
And that translates to a whole lot less attraction and a much less enthusiastic wife.
Mystery, Interest, Dopamine – The Fastest Way to Get Her Attention
Okay, now that you understand the underlying dynamics, let’s move on to actionables.
4-Step process to build attraction, interest, and desire in your wife:
- Stop orbiting
- Go to the ‘Magic Place of Out’
- Develop a friend group
- Passionately pursue your own interests
4-Steps to Build Attraction & Desire
1. Stop Orbiting Your Wife
This can be hard for several reasons.
- It’s simply easier to go with the flow and sit around watching TV with her, not doing much of anything.
- You don’t want the hassle of her complaining about you going out.
- You keep hanging around hoping to get sex. But it’s having the exact opposite effect. Your sex life will improve dramatically when you stop orbiting her.
- You need her validation.
- You’ve let both your hobbies and your friend group lapse, and don’t know how to start.
That’s why Step 2 is so necessary.
2. Go to the ‘Magic Place of Out’
‘Magic Place of Out’. I love this phrase coined by a friend of mine. It doesn’t much matter where you go or what you do at first. Baby steps.
For a lot of guys, it’s been so long since they’ve had fun that they truly don’t know where to start. So here are some ideas from other men I’ve worked with.
Real Activities from Real Guys
- Go Karts
- Baseball league
- Axe throwing
- Live chess tournaments
- Trivia night at local pub
- Sports events
- Ninja gym
- Dodge ball
- Live Music at local dive bars
- Fitness competitions ie Spartan races, Tough Mudders, etc.
- Local events
- Martial arts
These are all real things that real guys are doing for fun. Again, it doesn’t matter where you start. Just pick something and do it at least once a week.
The best thing about this is you’ll start meeting people who share common interests, and that leads to the next step.
3. Develop a friend group
This can be a tricky one for a guy. He’s lost touch with a lot of his friends, and they’re basically in the same position as he is, feeling guilty for any second they spend away from family.
Don’t labor too hard to figure out a time where you and your buds can get together. That will slow you down too much. Instead, pick an activity you want to do and make plans to go do it.
Invite a few friends to come with but if they can’t, go ahead and go yourself. I know it’s not as much fun to go on your own, but you’ll gradually meet a group of guys who like to do the same things you do.
4. Passionately pursue your own interests
The ultimate prize for a woman is a man who pursues his own interests. There are few things more attractive to a woman than a man who has found and is living his passion.
And there are so few men who do this.
Become one of the few.
As you free up more time to do things for yourself, you find a kind of magic happening. You start feeling passionate about things again. You stop being just a cog in the machine, an automaton going about the business of paying bills.
All that positive energy pours out of you and onto other people. You become a magnet for your wife and kids. And for friends and co-workers. It also flows out over your career and finances in a ripple effect.
So many positive side effects of pursuing the things you want!
What Not to Do
Caveat. Don’t be like one guy I worked with who couldn’t think of anything he really wanted to do so he considered just driving to a nearby coffee shop to sit in the parking lot for his night out.
You can’t simply pretend to be interesting; you actually have to go do interesting things.
And if nothing seems interesting in the moment, that’s okay. It’s just a sign that it’s been way too long for you.
Go do something, anything, that used to seem interesting. It will all come back to you.
Real Life Stories
For Erik, the fastest way to get her attention was … to go do his own thing.
2 kids; ages 4yo & 2yo
Primary wage earner, high income
Started working from home
Problem: Once he started working from home, Eric’s wife started taking him for granted, asking him to take on chores around the house during his work hours.
She also tried to micro-manage him, concerned that he wasn’t ‘working hard enough’.
They spent so much time together that she lost all attraction for him, and sex trickled down to basically nothing.
Solution: Erik leased a We Work co-working space 3 days/week.
He also started going to a gym 5 days/week. And started going out with his brother 1 evening/week to listen to music, one of his primary passions.
Results were fairly miraculous (predictably so).
After initially pushing back on the changes he was making, once he had re-established his own interests and thus some mystery, his wife’s attraction soared!
The constant nagging and conflict went away, and sex flowed again.
The highlight for Erik was when his wife initiated his very favorite sexual act … mutual oral sex … which had been off the table since the early days of their marriage.
The Choice Before You
This is the choice that lies before every man. Do you stay in the safe zone like Clark Kent, forever longing for a crumb of her attention? Or do you push down the barriers and boldly pursue your own passions and purposes?Not just because you want sex (although that’s a lovely side benefit), but because that’s the kind of man you want to be.
The first way gets you eternally friend-zoned with your wife, the second flings open the doors of attraction, passion, and exciting sex.
Erik chose to stop being Clark and reaped the benefits.
Change is hard. But the pay-off is amazing.
Do you keep doing what you’ve been doing … and keep getting the same results?
Or change your path so you can change your life and your marriage?
Choice is yours.