Here’s a situation I run across from time to time.
My wife sent me some stuff about dominance a couple of years ago … I don’t know … all these websites where they talked about the guy taking the lead and being in charge in the bedroom, slapping her on the ass, being more forceful … that kind of stuff.
I told her I just didn’t think I could be that guy … that I would never want to hurt her or be disrespectful to her. Sex should be warm and tender, and I regard her as an equal, not someone I should dominate.
After that, things just seemed to die in the bedroom. We’re lucky if we have sex once a month. It wasn’t great before, but damn, she doesn’t respond to me at all, now.
I keep asking her what I need to do to make her want me, but she has no interest in even trying. She says it’s not my fault; she just has no sex drive.
Is it possible she’s just not a sexual person?
Your wife did tell you what she wanted; it’s just that you didn’t listen.
Here’s the thing …
Missing the Red Flag
A woman who’s satisfied with what’s happening in the bedroom isn’t combing the internet for answers.
If your wife has been poring over various websites, trying to figure out what it is that turns her on, it’s a red flag that the sexual part of the relationship is in trouble. Ignore at your own peril.
By the time your wife sent you those links, she had probably spent months researching what triggers her desire. Maybe it’s more dominance than she’s getting, slightly rougher sex, less tenderness and more excitement, more leadership, etc.
She most likely agonized for weeks about whether to share the information with you, and finally, with much trepidation, screwed up her courage and hit the ‘send’ button.
She hoped you would be intrigued and maybe even a little aroused. Your response, to put it mildly, was underwhelming.
You didn’t realize it at the time, but when she communicated her innermost desires to you, it was an act of courage, and left her feeling extremely vulnerable.
When you didn’t respond positively, chances are she felt quite ashamed. She started feeling like a ‘bad girl’, retreated into her shell, and raised her shields.
It was actually a critical moment of neglect, and unless/until you address it, her sexuality will stay in hiding.
Fixing the Damage
So, what now? How do you turn this thing around?
- Stop blaming her. It’s counter-productive to keep suggesting that her sexuality is somehow missing. It’s not that she’s not sexual; it’s just that she’s not getting the things that trigger her desire.
You can’t expect her to want sex if you are not doing the things that cause her to want sex. In the absence of things that arouse her, her arousal goes away.
You can’t expect her to make bricks without straw.
- Do your research. Go back to the links she sent you and start reading. What does she find exciting and why? Keep an open mind, and learn it backwards and forwards. Read articles on the topic, find recommendations for the best books, and become an expert on what turns your wife on. Not what you wish turns her on, but what actually does.
Sure, it may be uncomfortable for you, but if you want her to step out of her comfort zone and be more sexual with you, then you have to be willing to do the same.
- Work with what you’ve got. Once you have a thorough understanding of what it is that does it for your wife, start giving your wife the type of sex that works for her instead of the type of sex you thought worked for her, or the type of sex you wished worked for her.
For example, my husband loves giving oral sex and his default starting point is slow & sensual sex. Which would be great, except … for me … slow & sensual oral = yawn. It’s not only not a turn-on; it’s actually an anti-turn on. It’s fine once I’m aroused and into it, but it’s never going to be a game opener for me.
So my husband has learned that he has to lead with a slightly more dominant opening, and then once the game gets going, he can do what he wants. By that point, my body is turned on enough that I can go along for the ride.
Would it be nice if our sexual flavors were more compatible and slow & sensual did it for me? Sure, but it is what it is. You can only work with what you’ve got. If you want your wife to be able to respond to you, you have to do the things that cause her to respond.
Take slow, baby steps to make sure you can sustain it. You don’t want to go gang-busters and get her all fired up, only to realize you’re not ready for it, and let it fall apart again.
Slow, steady, and sustainable is what you’re aiming for.
- Apologize for shutting her down. Once things are back on track in the bedroom, you need to apologize for how you initially reacted to her suggestions. You weren’t trying to cause her pain … you weren’t malicious … but it did hurt her and shut her down. Don’t grovel, just apologize once sincerely, and then move on.
“I’m sorry. When you first sent me those links, I was taken aback. I felt defensive that I wasn’t doing it right, and afraid that I couldn’t be the man you needed. It was more about me than it was about you.”
- Communicate. You don’t want to start this too soon because you need to establish credibility and trust with action first, but once you’ve built that, start communicating with your wife about what she likes and doesn’t like. She’ll be a bit gun-shy at first because of your earlier rejection, but eventually she’ll come around.
Send her links to things you find interesting or exciting, and get her reaction. And for heaven’s sakes, if she indicates an interest in something, follow up on it. Don’t leave her hanging.
Okay, that’s about it. It’s going to take some work to get things flowing again, but with steady persistence, you’ll eventually see your efforts pay off.
Have you done something that inadvertently shut down your wife’s sexuality? If so, how did you recover the situation?