How do I make our sex life more interesting? And get my wife to add some excitement on her own?
46yo; married 12 years; 2 kids
“Rebecca, sex quantity is a lot better since we started working with you, and quality is better, too, but it’s still not where I want it.
I want it to feel exhilarating, but it’s like I have to continually drive the whole thing in order to get a response from her. She eventually gets into it, and it ends up being pretty good, but it just lacks something.
How do I get her to add some excitement on her own?”
Sam is Looking for that Mountaintop Experience
When I first worked with Sam and his wife, his sex life was almost non-existent. He pushed for it (and got shot down) almost every night.
It had gotten to the point where his wife felt so much obligation to have sex, she dreaded bedtimes. And they fought about sex. A lot!
It was pretty bad.
Fast forward, and sex is much better for Sam and Kristin. It took some work to get here, but Kristin is into it again, and their fights about sex are a thing of the past.
Lately, however, they’ve somewhat plateaued.
Here’s a recent month for them.
Good … good … not great!
Solution to Make Sex Life More Interesting
There’s a 5-step solution to Sam’s problem.
- Build an Interesting Life
- Go Have Fun
- Drive the Action
- Initiate Only When You’re Upbeat
- Shake Up Your Routine
Boring Sex is Only a Symptom
1. If You Want to Make Your Sex Life More Interesting; Change Your Life
What Sam wants is that mountain-top experience. That’s what a lot of us are looking for from sex.
But here’s what Sam … and most people … don’t understand.
Sex, either good or bad, is only a reflection of what’s going on in your life.
Note I didn’t say a reflection of your relationship, which is what every marriage therapist says.
That’s not it, though; your sex life reflects how vibrant your own life is, not necessarily your relationship.
When you are on top of the world, doing fun, active, exciting, exhilarating things, sex flows. Your wife is magically attracted, she’s responsive, you lead, she follows. Sex is amazing with no holds barred!
When you are bored with your life, with your job, with your friends, with your activities, your sex life mirrors that. It becomes dull, routine, mundane, and contrived.
Sex is like the canary in the coalmine; a clear sign something is off in your life.
Don’t Bother Asking Google
You can try searching ‘make your sex life more interesting’ (along with almost 3 billion other people.)
The advice is excruciatingly bad. Things like, “Try scheduling – but also be spontaneous!”
What the heck does that even mean? It makes no sense.
Watch porn together? Really? That’s the cure?
Make a porn movie together?
Right. Because when sex is really, really bad, the first thing your wife wants to do is film it for posterity.
And the last one makes me laugh. Because basically, it’s saying, “We have no freaking idea how to fix your boring sex life. Just learn to live with it!”
Who writes these articles? Not anyone who’s worked with real couples, that’s for sure.
So, here’s what’s actually going to help.
Stop Working on Your Sex Life
2. To Make Your Sex Life More Interesting, Go Have Fun!
Really, the minute you start ‘working’ on something, it ceases to be fun. Never, ever try to ‘work on your relationship’ or your sex life. That’s a sure attraction killer right there.
Instead, start living your life differently.
Go seek out fun and exciting new activities. Things that make you vibrate! Things that make you glow.
Bring that energy home with you. See how she responds!
If you hate your job, if you spend 10 hours every day doing work you absolutely despise, there are not enough tips or tricks in the world to make sex more interesting.
When your job sucks the life out of you, you are bringing your zombie self home to your wife every night, and no one responds to a zombie with excitement and passion.
By the same token, if your general energy is low, she simply can’t bubble over with sex kitten energy.
Boring Life = Boring Wife
If you want to make your sex life more interesting, take a look at the rest of your life first!
Stop Vampiring Your Wife
Here’s a kind of corollary.
Read this and see if this is you.
What I often find is that a man is craving excitement but lacks the energy to go seek out exciting activities.
So, he ‘vampires’ his wife for the dopamine he craves.
It’s a form of dopamine-mining.
You see this a lot with porn; guys don’t have the energy to initiate or have real-life sex, so they mine porn for dopamine. It does give you that immediate hit, but there’s a certain emptiness to it.
It’s the same with ‘dopamine-mining’ your sex life.
You put all your eggs in the sex basket, wanting to take endless amounts of excitement out of sex without putting any excitement in.
It doesn’t work that way. You can’t make bricks without straw.
And that neediness, that vampiring, is the quickest way to shut her down.
So, the thing to do is go out and do wild, exciting things to increase dopamine, and then you bring that dopamine home to your sex life.
It doesn’t work to get all your dopamine from wild sex. Instead, you have to get your dopamine from exciting activities, which then leads to exciting sex.
A subtle difference, but an important one!
Equality Doesn’t Work in the Bedroom
3. To Make Your Sex Life More Interesting, You Need to Drive
Back to Sam’s problem:
“I want it to feel exhilarating, but it’s like I have to continually drive the whole thing in order to get a response from her.”
Well, yeah. That’s how the system works. Women tend to be responsive to men.
It’s simply no good wishing she would drive in the bedroom. She’s not wired to do the sexual steering. She is wired to respond passionately to a high-energy man who’s having fun with his life.
Put those pieces in place and the sky really is the limit in terms of what she’s willing and even eager to do!
4. To Make Your Sex Life More Interesting, Only Initiate when You’re Upbeat
Initiating when you’re tired and mentally drawn pretty much guarantees boring sex.
What you’re looking for in that moment is comfort (nothing wrong with that), but that’s the opposite of the dopamine needed for passionate sex.
When you’re low energy, either settle for some great snuggling, or accept that sex is going to be low-key. That’s okay as long as it’s interspersed with nights where you’re high-energy, high-passion.
5. To Make Your Sex Life More Interesting, Shake Up Your Routine
Many couples are on very tight schedules.
Between jobs, kids, domestic stuff, and workouts, they’re getting up at 5am, which puts them in bed by about 9pm. This is just a fact of life for a lot of us.
But if your routine is exactly the same every single night …
🗹 Pick up kids from day-care
🗹 Prepare dinner
🗹 Dinner, baths, kids’ bedtime
🗹 1 hour of TV
🗹 Walk the dog …
There’s no room in here for the dopamine necessary for exciting sex.
Routine Life = Routine Sex
It’s amazing, though, how once you shake up this routine, even just a tiny bit, what a difference it makes in sex!
So, switch it up a little. You don’t both have to be there every night for mealtime, bath time, and bedtime.
It’s okay to take turns going out and doing fun things, letting the other parent handle the kids solo. (Of course, play fair, and give her time away, as well.)
Or both of you get the kids down to bed and then one of you go out for a workout, or a quick visit with friends. You’ll bring that energy and that vibe home with you and that gives sex a boost.
Your Sex Life is Simply a Mirror
Your sex life simply mirrors what’s going on in the rest of your life.
You keep trying to change the reflection … without changing the source image.
Instead of trying to make your sex life more interesting, focus on what you’re doing outside the bedroom.
Stop working to change the reflection, start transforming your world.
Once you increase excitement, challenge, and dopamine in your life, your sex life will follow.