Newly-wed, 9 month old baby, no sex.
My husband claims to have no sex drive, and explicitly rejects my advances to the point where we have been fighting about it for months now. Each time he says, “No, stop, I don’t want to, I can’t,” etc. This is incredibly painful for me, and seems to be for him as well.
He says ‘everything works’, and that he ‘can get hard, just not with me’. I have asked him to have a check up to be sure, but he refuses.
I have 15 pounds of baby weight left. I’ve been going to the gym, and I’ve lost ten pounds. My waist-to-hip ratio is back to .78, so I feel like I’m getting back to my old shape, but not there yet.
He says he’s just not attracted to me at this weight, but sex wasn’t all that great before I got pregnant, either.
Normal men have a sex drive.
When your husband’s goes missing, it is not your fault. It’s not because you’re too fat, too loose, too shrill, too boring, too pushy, or too ugly.
It’s just … not.
If your husband has a normal libido, but he’s not expending it on you, then his sex drive is going somewhere. Maybe that’s porn, maybe he’s cheating, maybe he’s gay.
He’s expressing his sexuality somewhere … just not with you.
If he doesn’t have a sex drive, then you’re likely looking at a medical issue, possibly low testosterone or depression. He may be struggling with erections. More rarely, he may have some psychological issues he’s dealing with.
In any of those cases, the first order of business is to get him to a doctor.
Women tend to internalize sexual rejection to a startling extent. I have worked with truly beautiful women with stunning figures … whose husbands didn’t want sex with them.
They work out, are tight and fit, get boob jobs, tummy tucks, face lifts, you name it. All in order to attract a husband who is un-attractable.
The range of excuses their husbands give them is incredible … you smell bad, you’re too fat, you’re too controlling, your boobs are too small, you’re not tight enough, you’re such a bitch, you put too much pressure on me, yada yada yada.
Their efforts are gaining them nothing. The solution is not to keep doing more of the same.
My response to this poor girl …
Trust me. It’s not your weight.
My money is on a combination of porn and low T.
You need leverage. Figure out a way to make a living. Your husband is not going to change because of your words and your tears. He won’t change until he feels he’s going to lose you.
No more talking to him. It’s time for action.
If your husband has stopped wanting you sexually, stop blaming yourself.
And then get to work. No more talking. It’s time for action.