“I just feel so tired,” he said. “We’ve got to get to bed earlier. I’m having a hard time focusing at work and making it through the day. I feel exhausted. And my stomach is still hurting,” he continued as he rubbed it with his free hand, wincing.
I felt a surge of anxiety. His stomach was hurting again? A few years ago, he had had hernia surgery. Was the mesh tearing? The doctor had said that happens sometimes. And he had been working out so hard lately, lifting weights and sparring. Maybe he had torn something. Did I need to schedule an appointment for him? What if he needed more surgery? The doc had said that if the surgery wasn’t successful the first time, then each subsequent attempt was less likely to work. What then? His recovery last time had taken a long time and he had lost a lot of fitness while he waited to heal.
And why was he so tired? He had commented several times in the last few days about how tired he was feeling. I wondered if his T levels had fallen and if we needed to get some labs drawn to see where his levels were. Maybe his thyroid was low again?
Actually, maybe we needed to schedule an appointment with a heart doctor to make sure that everything was okay. Maybe he wasn’t getting enough blood flow or oxygen to his blood. Heart problems run in his family and his dad had had all those heart surgeries and stints. His blood pressure had improved since he started the T therapy, but it was still sometimes borderline, especially in the doctor’s office where it increased because of anxiety. What if we were missing something important and he dropped dead of a heart attack?
All of a sudden, his hand stroking my breast seemed awkward and out of place. I shifted my weight away from him and pulled the sheet over me. The post orgasmic glow I was still enjoying from last night dissipated abruptly. He put his hand back where it was, frowning and confused by my sudden withdrawal.
“Stop,” I told him, pushing his hand away, trying to keep my voice calm and even. I really didn’t want to have a huge conflict this morning.
“This is mine,” he said, “I’ll touch what I want.”
But the same words that last night had seemed arousing and exciting seemed forced and contrived. I blocked his hand and tried to sit up.
“Okay,” he said, pushing me back down. “What’s going on? Why the sudden change of mood?”
I laid there with my hand over his, struggling to find words to explain in a way that wouldn’t trigger his usual feelings of irritation and resentment that happened when I couldn’t respond to him.
“I’m just worried,” I replied, and all the concerns and anxieties I was experiencing poured out.
He sat and stared at me, dumbfounded. “I’m tired because we’ve been up late for 3 nights in a row and we’re still recovering from our road trip over Thanksgiving. My stomach hurts from injecting the HcG last night. That’s all. It’s not some big catastrophe. Why is it that any time I complain about not feeling well, you completely shut down on me?”
I hesitated, trying to pick my words carefully. We had discussed this before and it hadn’t gone well, but instead had created a lot of hurt and resentment on his part that spilled out any time we had a fight.
“When you tell me about feeling tired or sick, I start to get worried,” I said, “and I start thinking about what’s wrong and what I need to do to fix it. It’s like when one of the kids says they’re not feeling well. I immediately go into Caretaker-Mommy mode and start thinking about what meds they need, or if they’re hungry, or tired, or need a doctor appointment. It’s just how my brain is wired. And when Caretaker/Mommy program turns on, Sexy Wife program turns off. I can either be Mommy to you or Sexy Wife, but I can’t be both at one time.”
“It’s like you’re sitting at your computer keyboard and you press <Control Alt Shift CRTKR-MMY>. Caretaker-Mommy mode turns on, and then you get mad at me because I’m not Sexy Wife anymore. But you’re the one who keyed in the program and it feels so unfair to me for you to be mad at me for it. I wish I could be attracted to you no matter what because I love the feeling of being attracted to you, but I can’t. I didn’t write the program, and it’s not fair for you to keep blaming me for it. Attraction isn’t a choice.”
I saw the understanding dawn in his eyes and hoped that I had finally been able to explain it in a way that made sense to him, instead of just making him feel like I was the world’s biggest b*tch.
“So when I act weak, it bypasses your thinking brain and goes straight to your emotions?” he asked.
I nodded. That was as good a way to explain it as any, I guess. I didn’t completely understand it myself, I just knew it happened.
“So all I meant was that we need to get to bed early tonight. I should have just said, ‘Wife, let’s get to bed early tonight,’ and that would have made you feel like I was all strong and manly, providing leadership?”
I nodded again. Yep, put that way, it sounded pretty silly, but there it was. I didn’t write the program, I just had to live with it. We both had to live with it.
Hi, I’m Rebecca Watson. Author, Researcher, and Marriage & Attraction Consultant.
When a Man is learning to intentionally create attraction in his marriage, one of the hardest lessons he has to learn – or rather unlearn, is about being vulnerable.
A man needs to be calm, strong, and directed. So many men of the last few generations were told to wear their hearts on their sleeves, and to expect compassion. They can be very quick to share everything that bothers them, and that kills attraction and creates marital discord.
Maybe it feels cruel, but Mother Nature is red in tooth and claw. If we want good sexual rapport and a stable marriage, we need to express our feelings with care.
That doesn’t mean we have to bottle them up, just that we have to be wise to how our expressions will affect others. A man who wants to talk about a problem should start his conversation with a solution; “I want to do X, because Y”… Or even just “I want to do X.”. And some troubles were just better shared with your male friends, a professional, or a pastor, rather than your wife.
I think this is especially true in a low T marriage, where the husband hasn’t been a strong leader for a really long time.
The wife typically has been his Caretaker and any time he’s weak, it brings all those old dynamics into play.
Fixing the T is really just the beginning. Both partners have to completely re-learn their roles and interactions.
It is quite a rollercoaster at times.
This would have been great advice about 10 years ago đ
This one is hard to face. Something I could have learned from my father. I thought he was closed off with his feelings. He was protecting us.
Awesome blog Rebecca. Very helpful insights.
ANewHope —
The good part is that the Lizard Brain (the one that responds sexually) has a very short memory. Meaning that once you start changing your behaviors, your wife will respond to the New You and within a short time, forget the Old You.
In fact, your comment inspired my post today. For a long time, CaptR’s behavior was like a roller coaster, going back and forth from Captainly and strong, to needy and weak.
The more consistent he is in being a strong leader, the easier it is for me to respond to him.
It’s tough to break old habits, but if you work on it consistently, you can change the dynamics in your marriage. It doesn’t happen easily, though.
Your blog is great. “Saying what needs to be said” Many men are afraid to expolre that possibility.
John Quest
Yeah, it can rock a guy’s world to find out that his T levels are low. One of the goals of the blog is helping men realize that this is not a game changer. Like any other medical condition, you treat it and then you can move on with having an awesome life. Too many men are living in shadows because of low T.
Keep Kickin Ass!
Interesting. I am the leader in my house. But every time I get injured or have a cold or any health problems, my wife turns into a bitch. IDK what it is. But when health brings me to my weakest point, my wife feels compelled to attack me on it. I had to go to the ER recently and my wife was as mean to me as I have ever seen her. I almost decided to go to the ER without her.
I think females are repulsed by weakness in their mates.
AKA, In general, I do think women are attracted to men who are strong leaders. There’s a difference, however, in a man sharing all his little owies and a legitimate medical emergency. In that case, it’s entirely reasonable for a man to be able to count on his wife’s support.
Hope you’re feeling better. : )
I am feeling better, thank you Rebecca. I actually noticed this happening w/ my friends wife first. He had a cold one time. He felt terrible and asked his wife to fix him some soup. His wife looked at him with something akin to disgust and said “make it yourself”.
I didn’t think too much about it until a few years later when I hurt my back. I noticed that when I needed my wife’s support the most was when she was just cold and bitchy. as if my injury was a burden to her, even tho I didn’t ask her for anything. THen she goes and tells my mother that I am a bad patient. This was not some little minor owie on my back either. I was unable to walk upright for weeks. I am not a pain whiner either.
Then later my brother tells me that his wife does the same thing. At some point then my wife showed me a facebook post by a friend of hers. the post was mocking her husband saying something like when a man thinks it’s the end of the world, a woman thinks it’s a cold. The wording was more demeaning than this tho.
I can only conclude that females really have a bad reaction to their men being sick.
OMG love this! I feel like a b**** a lot bc I have to consciously remind myself to be compassionate sometimes when hubby is down (which seems so counter intuitive as I do care deeply about him) but it makes sense biologically. He’s pretty good about not getting “man colds” (OMG the sexism ugh!) and so I don’t mind illness as much (and seen him tough it out like a champ over cutting his hand and a horrible ER visit) but other vulnerabilities can get a little annoying.