“How can I get my wife to be as interested in sex as I am? She just never seems to think about it at all.”
You are the one who’s in control of your wife’s desire.
That’s a bold statement, I know. And probably hard for you to believe.
After reading this post, you understand that women have responsive rather than spontaneous desire, and aren’t wired to be the sexual initiator.
What you might not know yet is that there are specific actions you can take that will trigger your wife’s hidden sexuality. It’s just a matter of understanding the truth about what engages her responsive desire, and then putting it into practice in your marriage.
You’ve been given a lot of misinformation over the years as to how a woman’s sexuality works. You’ve been told to bring her flowers, give her soft, sweet kisses and love notes, and cuddle her gently. There’s nothing wrong with all this, and it provides a lot of relationship comfort in your marriage.
The only problem?
It doesn’t work to build sexual attraction.
You know it doesn’t work because you’ve tried that route for years and it’s a dead end.
In fact, the more supplicating you’ve been, the less sex you’ve had.
The reality is that a woman responds best to a man who is bold, confident, and has intense desire for her. One who isn’t ashamed of his own sexual desires and doesn’t hesitate to pull her into his world.
Keep Sex on Her Mind
Responsive desire means that your wife doesn’t think about sex as much as you do without some kind of stimulation. This is a feature, not a bug. It’s completely normal for the vast majority of women. So how can you keep sex on her mind?
Flirt with her the way you did when you were dating. Be playful. Tease her a little. When you’re together, talk about something other than the kids, the house and the bills.
Make eye contact. It’s amazing how many married couples simply stop really looking at each other. Take time to look straight into her eyes. It will be uncomfortable at first, but it heightens intensity.
Text her during the day with light, flirty texts. No heavy relationship talk, though. The goal here is to have fun.
Do ‘drive-bys’. Not every minute, but when you walk by her in the kitchen, lift up her hair and kiss the back of her neck. When she’s bending over the bed to make it, make sure to pat her. Pull her down on your lap while you’re watching TV, or motion her over to you for a kiss.
Look at what she’s reading. Now this one sounds silly, but take the time to skim over the book she’s reading, especially the romance or erotic fiction novels. It can tell you a lot about what she finds sexy.
And just as an aside, the fact that your wife reads romance novels is a good thing. It means that she’s got a sexual streak hidden away in there, and it also keeps a sexual spark burning in her. Once you learn how to trigger her responsive desire, you can use that spark to start a fire.
Flirt with your wife and act like a lover, not a roommate.
Show Enthusiastic Pleasure in Her Body
Women are a little crazy when it comes to body image. When we look in the mirror, most of us completely overlook our assets and see only our flaws.
The biggest favor you can do your wife … and your sex life … is to help your wife feel sexy. Let her know you love her body, both through your words and your actions.
What part of her body do you enjoy the most? Do you love her booty? Then tell her so frequently and back up your words with actions. Tell her how much you love ‘dat ass, and pat it, rub it, stroke it, massage it.
Tell her which outfits flatter her booty, and lay them out for her once in a while. Ask her to wear them. It doesn’t matter whether she complies or not. Ignore the way she rolls her eyes and says she’s fat. It’s a gradual process. Your goal is simply to get her thinking of herself as a sexual person.
I’ve seen men be very successful with this strategy, including my own husband. He took me from being self-conscious about my figure to the point where I now dress to please him. All by showing unrestrained enjoyment of my body. It’s an effective technique.
Encourage her sexuality by demonstrating your pleasure with her body.
Show Intense Desire
Your wife needs to know that you want her. Not just that you want sex, but that you want her, specifically. Let her see your urgent desire for her.
When a woman feels a man’s desire, it triggers her own responsive desire. That’s why the sex is so good in a new relationship. It’s erotic for a woman when a man is in hot pursuit of her. It makes her feel sexy. And she needs to feel sexy in order to want sex.
As the love affair progresses, and the man’s hot desire fades to lukewarm, so does her sex drive.
Look at any romance novel … the basic plot is that the man desires the woman so much that he will go to any lengths to have her. He’ll give up lands, title, wealth, even life itself, in order to be with her.
Unrealistic? Of course, but it’s a timeless plot for a reason. It’s an erotic turn-on for a woman when the man is the hunter and she is the prey.
Over the years of sexual rejection, you have probably gotten gun-shy about showing your desire for your wife. After all, no one likes to be rejected. However, without feeling that desire from you, her responsive desire doesn’t kick in because she doesn’t have anything to respond to.
So it becomes a vicious cycle where you don’t show desire for her because you don’t want to be rejected, and without feeling that desire from you, she can’t summon up a sexual response.
Armed with your new knowledge about what really attracts women, it’s time to break the stalemate.
Let her see your intense desire so she has something to respond to.
Go Big or Go Home
Along the same lines, when it comes to sexual initiation, the bolder, the better. Women are attracted to bold, confident men. When you do that thing where you timidly stroke her hip and tentatively ask her, “So … I dunno … what do you think … ya wanna?” it’s not going to work. In fact, if she started out interested at all, that interaction is pretty much guaranteed to kill it for her.
And avoid verbal initiations. “I was thinking maybe tonight we can get to bed early and … ” Again, that type of diffidence is not going to trigger her desire.
If you want sex with your wife, don’t be shy. Own your own desire and don’t be ashamed of it. Healthy men like sex, there’s nothing wrong with that and you don’t need to apologize for it.
Stop waiting around for her to take action. It just leads to a hopeless deadlock.
Take the initiative and make your move and let the chips fall where they fall.
Assume the Best
Until you understand responsive desire, it’s easy to assume that your wife has a low sex drive because she doesn’t initiate and doesn’t always immediately feel sexual. She’s probably also wondering what happened to her libido, and what’s wrong with her.
She’s not broken, she’s just different than you.
Being a man means that you typically experience sexuality this way:
Desire –> Arousal
You feel spontaneous desire, usually swiftly followed by physical arousal.
For a woman, it’s quite often the opposite. She may need to be physically aroused before she feels any sexual desire.
Arousal –> Desire
But here’s the important thing you need to understand.
Your wife doesn’t know this. She has probably never heard of responsive desire and just assumes there’s something intrinsically wrong with her sexuality. She feels like because she’s not walking around turned on and wanting sex, then she has ‘low sexual libido’ and is sexually broken in some way.
Every time you have a conversation with her about why she doesn’t want sex, or complain about not having sex, you’re reinforcing her belief that she’s just not a sexual person, thus making the situation worse.
She has no idea why she doesn’t want sex. But you do. As the leader in this marriage, it’s up to you to help her find her path forward and get things back on track.
I’ve thrown a lot of new concepts at you in this series, and you may be having a tough time taking it all in, so here’s an example of how responsive desire played out in my house.
The other night, my husband and I had great sex late into the night. Very intense and passionate. Much fun was had by all.
The next morning, I was completely satiated, and my thoughts were veering toward a quiet, snuggle kind of evening with an early bedtime. At some point during the morning, I completely ruled out sex in my mind.
However … my husband started texting me during the day, alternating between strong leadership and sexy stuff. Sometimes combining the two.
So my frame shifted to indecision. “Hmmm … maybe I was too hasty. I’m really tired, and don’t really have the energy to spare, but last night was pretty amazing … ”
My husband shifted me from a default no for the night to a default maybe. All with only his written word keeping sex on my mind.
That, Dear Reader, is responsive desire.
Hi, I’m Rebecca Watson. Author, Researcher, and Marriage & Attraction Consultant.
Good perspective here but, one thing….
“as the leader in this marriage” really? we are all equal…. both need to know how to address this and take ownership for balancing these ideas & initiatives. If you want – the wife subservient to the man of the house mentality – cool for those who do but our roles are evolving and so may this need to…
There are all sorts of dynamics that work in marriage, but many women are attracted to men who are strong leaders, particularly in the sexual arena. Typically, when a man shows strong leadership, attraction increases.
This is really good information and makes a lot of sense, but why is the burden of understanding and action all on the man? If a man can learn to be more aggressive with his partner to stimulate her responsive desire, surely a woman can learn to be more aggressive with the understanding that her responsive desire will be stimulated as a result? I believe I’m as aggressive as the average man, and I’ve been with women of varying ability to initiate. By far, the best lovemaking (mutually) has been with women who are able to share in the responsibility of understanding what works for both of us. Regardless of how we’re wired, it’s not a relationship if only one person is putting in the effort to understand and grow.
@Fredward –
That’s a great question … thank you for asking it.
I have roughly equal numbers of male and female readers; some blog posts are equally aimed at both men and women, but some are gender-specific.
This particular article is geared toward men who are trying to attract their wife, so I tailor it specifically toward what a man can do to increase his wife’s attraction. Women tend to respond sexually to dominant men, so increasing his sexual dominance is going to increase his wife’s response.
In other blog posts, I specifically address women.
For example:
http://hightmarriage.com/how-leadership-is-like-a-striptease/
http://hightmarriage.com/girl-game-how-to-boggle-his-mind-in-ten-seconds-or-less/
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. : )
Rebecca
Your advice to women in the leader blog is still not addressing the question as to why do the men need to do all of the work? If we only said I love you once or twice a month or did nice things for our wives a couple time a year we can’t just say ….we’ll we’re just hard wired to be jerks so wives just need to give us more sex and we might start showing more affection. We would never be given that option. A marriage should always strive to please the other person not from obligation or biology but really trying to give the other what they need and doing it with pleasure. Otherwise why get married at all. If you are just going to think only about yourself. I do everything for my wife not only because it makes her feel good but because it pleases me as well.
@Frustrated Romantic —
It’s not a matter of men doing all the work. In fact, sometimes the problem is that a man is doing too much of the work.
Rebecca
Thank you again for your input it is nice to talk to someone who has thought of these issues at least and likely much more than I have. I believe you are correct on this. I have made it too easy for my wife to feel loved and that has had both good and bad affects. The good is that it helps with her very low self esteem but the bad is that I have made her feel so secure in our relationship that she has become complacent and really doesn’t have to try. Women do love a challenge and I have become none at all. I fear that I may lose this battle though because if I pull back to much it could make her shut down as her insecurities will make her feel like she can’t compete for my affection. So I might just be screwed. Or actually forget about being screwed. Because if I have to choose between making my wife feel less loved and having more sex I will choose less sex. Again having more sex isn’t my goal it’s feeling desired. Though she says she desires me without sex I don’t believe her. Sex is just the way I can believe it. Kind of like if she tells me spaghetti is her favorite meal but she never orders it how can I believe it. I will try what you have suggested but I need to do it carefully.
@Frustrated Romantic —
Don’t think of it as ‘pulling back’; think of it as doing the things that make you strong and give you flow. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first.
It’s a paradox, but doing this will make your wife feel more, not less, secure.
Rebecca
hi Frustrated romantic. A few years ago I was also having problems with a healthy sex life(we had a good marriage, but the attraction/desire was missing). Reading these articles and practicing them changed everything for us. Going back to your question about the man having to do all the work…. in short, it is what it is. We have the testosterone and we have the spontaneous desire so (being fair in your mind or not) that’s what we have to work with. I practiced it and can honestly say its helped both of us drastically. Were having more sex and better sex, but my wife also feels way more confident and comfortable because of my support (spontaneous desire, keeping sex on her mind and Show Enthusiastic Pleasure in Her Body). I think you need to go back and read about Relationship comfort vs Attraction. It seems like you have a high amount of relationship comfort but as you’ll read that doesn’t mean squat if you want your wife to desire you. Make sure you read all 3 articles, it will fix it.
Why do things with women always have to be some kind of power struggle or behavior regulation initiative? It seems to me like most of the time when men are doing well for their woman, the woman ends up being complacent, bored, or something else, and then the man has to change his behavior to make her change, even if things are perfect for her. And if the man ISN’T doing what the woman wants then she’s obviously not happy and the man has to change regardless. It’s like nothing is enough for women no matter what, and in the end everything is the man’s fault and the man’s problem to fix.
I feel for you… I’m in the same boat and with your conversation and questioning have made me realize that I am trying way too hard because I too have the same questions and experiences…
I guess, sometimes we need the ladies to have to fight for our love…
meaning that I am on my way out the door and my wife feels it because I, after 21 years, refuse to live in a sexless marriage
Then you are contradicting yourself here. You literally layed out the way men should be interacting with their wife. Making it sound like there’s so many buttons to push and you have to do it in combination but don’t be surprised if that still doesn’t work because you are then trying too hard?
I don’t disagree that I have to shmooze her before sex but I can assure that I do many of those things to some degree, texting flirts, I am all over my wife’s butt. I’ll sit in the couch and she stands there just looking at something so I pull her close so my hands are on her. I have shown her various outfits I think are nice, she seldom wears them unless I specifically ask her to. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO. We’ve been together 12 years and I still have to give her ideas what to do and even after she doesn’t do it on her own.
@Alex —
‘Shmoozing’ her before sex is generally going to be unproductive.
Rebecca
I understand and I think some of these commenters might be getting frustrated by thinking you’re asking only for effort from one side. I don’t see it that way and let me explain. My wife and I have sex often ( at least 3 times a week), I initiat almost 100% of the time and the sex is good. But it’s not amazing/thrilling/wild and rarely initiated by her. In my eyes, this is her doing HER part, by giving me sex when I want it even when she doesn’t bc she wants to please me. But I came to this blog bc I wanted more. The occasions in our marriage when we have had “clear the table fuck me now” sex that was initiated by her have ALWAYS come after the things described in this blog. Shes told me to “put it in her ass” twice in about 5 years. Both were after long nights of her love language being engaged constantly and for hours. To me this isn’t about getting sex period, it’s about having awesome sex.
@I get it —
I’m so glad it’s working out for you. : )
Rebecca
I think by shmoozing he means triggering her sexual response. I agree he shouldn’t have to, especially after 12 years. Lady or a man, if you’re not going to do your part in a relationship, it’s totally unfair for the other individual, and imho usually not worth it for the one putting in the work. A relationship cannot function without effort from both people. I’ve got a great 2yr old son, who really could use a brother or sister, but it’s NEVER going to happen. After trying everything, I’ve accepted it and am ready to move on. She’s in some fantasy land thinking it’s getting better, and when the topic of sex comes up, she asks questions like ‘well how much can sex do you need?’ since it’s such a burden for her. She doesn’t want me to sleep on the couch, despite knowing the feelings of rejection I get from being next to or around her. We’ve been to multiple counselors and doctors. Seems there’s no magic pill that’s going to reset her priorities and put our relationship near the top. It really saddens me because we get along so well in other areas and I thought she was the one for me before all of this crap happened. Who knew a healthy sex life, something that used to be fun, could be so friggin stressful and difficult.
Testosterone… The answer is testosterone…
That’s very true. It all seems so one sided and I don’t understand what the hang up is. If we have to understand how they’re wired, why can’t they understand how men are wired too and meet us in the middle? I mean, sex feels GOOD. It’s a tremendous blessing to make love. It’s always a good thing and it cultivates closeness. Why is it that women have to work themselves up for something amazing as sex?? Why is such a good thing such a burden to them?? It’s like some offering you a trip to Hawaii and in return you’re like “meh, I’m just not in the mood”.
Makes perfect sense. This works too BTW as I’ve tried it many times
I’ve learned so much from this site the info is invaluable. A plus from me
Glad it helps, @Mike k.And congrats for putting it into action.
Makes a lot of sense but written from a female perspective. Man’s constant pursuit allows the wife to completely control the sexual frequency. Meaning she can accept or reject her husband at will. I.e. during fights. Leads to husbands sexual etc. frustration and possibly adultery.
@Roc The low desire partner is always going to be the gatekeeper to sex. Typically, that’s the woman, but not always. About 25% of the time, it’s the man who is controlling the sexual frequency. Or infrequency, as the case may be.
Your job, then, is to create the desire that she doesn’t know is there. Take the reins of her desire. Don’t give her a choice – make her want you.
That sounds like rape considering she’s never in the mood. After a few years of being rejected, I’m done trying. It’s not worth putting in this much effort to rarely enjoy mediocre sex. I don’t even like coming home from work anymore
I’m from a sports background, and we always learned about teamwork, sacrifice, commitment, and discipline.
I always looked at my marriage the same way.. that it’s a team sport and like teams each person has a role and responsibility to one another. Each one is accountable to one another.
I concur with who may find these articles putting much of the blame/effort on us to fix. I appreciate your points though on writing these for men. I look forward to reading your articles to women.
You nailed my situation pretty spot on. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to cajole my non-responsive wife into sex, only for her to say at the end how much she needed it, but then I have to start all over again next time. You would think despite her responsive desire(or lack of it), there would be some cognitive recognition of what happens..e.g ” if I have sex, 1.) i’ll enjoy it, 2.) i may feel closer to him, 3.) I’ll sleep soundly “.. and there may be more, but I’m sure you get it.
These are great articles and I will strongly consider your suggestions.
Thank You
Glad the site is helping, @Paul.
The thing is, it’s counter-intuitive, but you don’t really want your wife to make herself have sex when she doesn’t want to. It actually will decrease attraction … for both of you.
If you trigger her responsive desire, on the other hand, it increases attraction.
I agree with you on that… I don’t even cajole anymore….. I did for a while lose interest in the pursuit and I’m still gun shy about asking now. My wife has in fact taken more initiative since I’ve stopped, but it is burdensome on her.
I think your series articles has given me a deeper understanding of what’s been going on, so I’m more willing to implement some of your ideas.
@Paul
If you only implement two suggestions, try increasing fitness/muscles and standing up to your wife. These two changes tend to get fairly good results. Try it for a month or two and see how it goes.
Rebecca
I feel so tired of initiating after 30 years. I’ve talked to my wife about it-she has no answer as to why she never initiates sex-yet acknowledged it would make me feel more confident.
I also don’t get touched by her except for saying goodbye before work which I insisted on. I have tried all kinds of touch with her-plenty of non sexual too. This feels like rejection.
@Paul —
It’s not the initiating that’s hard; it’s the getting rejected when you do initiate. So the answer is not to stop initiating, it’s to increase attraction so that you don’t get turned down.
How do you do that?
First, you’ve got to figure out what’s blocking attraction. If you’ve been together for 30 years, I assume you and your wife are somewhere in your late 40’s, early 50’s. That means your wife is either peri-menopausal or post-menopausal. Her hormones are quite likely affecting her libido.
You need to fix the medical, first. Find a good anti-aging doctor and check hormones … for both of you. Your testosterone has likely decreased by this point, affecting your ability to be bold and confident.
After that, take a look at the posts in Attracting Your Wife. There are specific behaviors that women respond to. Start engaging in those behaviors, and she becomes more attracted.
It may seen like an uphill climb, but it works! Even in couples who have been together long-term. It takes effort, but it is possible.
Rebecca
You are right about all.
But shouldn’t a wife initiate some of the time?
Paul
@Paul —
Meh. It’s typically the male of the species who initiates. About the only time you’ll see a woman initiate (absence the presence of alcohol) is when she’s ovulating. That’s the only time she experiences spontaneous desire in the same way a man does.
And female initations tend to be fairly subtle, sometimes so subtle you don’t even recognize it as an initiation. She wears a certain outfit, arranges herself in close proximity to you, etc. Blink and you’ll miss it.
Honestly, it may be hard to believe from where you’re sitting, but when a female initiates frequently, the guy tends to lose interest. Men are born to be hunters.
Rebecca
Thanks for your insight.
It’s amazing – I’ve read many articles it’s the responsibility of both husband and wife who should initiate. However, many men are wishing women would initiate on forums, (they probably read similar articles).
I believe your line of logic-it makes sense with the background you provide analyzing how different species behave. Very refreshing.
Thank You for your time!!
Paul
You’re welcome, Paul.
When it comes to sex, you kind of have to throw the idea of ‘fairness’ out the window, and take a more pragmatic approach in terms of what actually works.
And honestly, once you approach it differently and your sex life heats up, you stop caring about who’s initiating. I’ve seen this over and over again with guys I coach.
Rebecca
OMG is that what I’ve been doing wrong? I insisted he take my virginity when I was a teenager but he held off for 2 years. This was decades ago and I have always initiated.
I’m one of 25% who’s husband is the gatekeeper of sex.
Is this why he doesn’t want to have sex with me (occasionally goes down on me but won’t have intercourse which is what I desire). Because I stupidly chased?
I wish I could turn off my desire for sex so I can be like these lucky wives these men talk about. I’m so jealous. I would love my husband to crave my body. I would love the masculinity of a man chasing.
How do I undo my chasing and make him feel like a hunter?
Can buying your book help me or is it only for men craving sex?
I’ve tried everything I can think of.
My external is the best it can be. I could maybe have my breasts lifted a little bit but they are ok still firm and don’t sag much. I have a flat stomach and an hour glass body. I’m shortish at 5″4 but wear heels and fitting clothes.
My hair is long, blonde and shiny. People comment on my white teeth. I always ALWAYS look my best around my husband.
I’m very loving and a happy woman. I can try to be colder and distant if that will help us.
I’m so desperate to save my marriage because we have 2 beautiful children.
Can you please help us?
That isn’t true. I believe that if women initiate will keep men more engage in the sexual relationship
@Eddy —
Sure, in an ideal world, but the reality for a large group of men is that their woman isn’t interested in initiating. This article is written for them.
Rebecca
Well, THIS article (also another) didn’t help. Wife and I are now nearly in a fight. For 17 years I’ve been lighting candles, sneaking little notes, giving massages, petting, and neck kisses. I have literally done EVERYTHING recommended in these articles to warm her up to the idea of sex. It does not have any impact on my wife… At all. She says It’s too subtle. So the only time we have sex is when she initiates. Which is frustrating for her… And me if this comment isn’t clear enough.
I had asked her what would it take to make the message clear… Her answer is she doesn’t know. Then she read this article and was suddenly indignant (nigh on angry) about our sex life.
Let me make it clear: honeymoon night she got drunk and passed out, snoring. Next day, she said I should have done it to her anyway…maybe she’d wake up and be welcoming of it she says. Yeah right, THAT doesn’t sound like rape. Kind of a microcosm of our sex issues.
@Keyn —
The things you mention … notes, massages, neck kisses … are all about relationship comfort, a separate love system than attraction, which is fueled by dopamine.
To build attraction, you’ve got to take a completely different approach.
http://hightmarriage.com/how-a-checkerboard-explains-why-your-wife-isnt-having-sex-with-you/
Rebecca
I just stopped by to say thank you. You were (of course) totally correct. I moved into a place of acceptance with it and then change. I’m more of the man she wants than ever before, and I have the freedom to express my masculinity without the hangups I held onto because of my upbringing.
I thank you, my wife thanks you, and our marriage is better because of your work on these articles.
@Keyn —
I’m really glad to hear it! Thanks for the update.
It’s great that your wife is pleased, but even better that you are becoming more the man you want to be. It’s all about looking in the mirror and respecting the man looking back at you. Her response is simply a nice perq. : )
Rebecca
Hi, I’m confused. In the main body of the article you mention drive-bys as a way to trigger responsive desires. The first example you give is walking behind her and kissing her on the neck.
A lot of great points.. A lot of great arguments.. Which is what has brought even myself to these pages for a mere answer to getting laid more frequently; without pissing and moaning about it to my wife.. I tell all u guys this has many of the right answers; but the main thing I know that y’all need to do, is to stop smackin it in the corner when your counterpart is sick of your lame routines to sex.. Here’s a horn to your ears if you didn’t get what I just said.. Stop all the excessive Masterbation… The statements that Rebecca is informing us of is that we need to get more primitive with our sexuality, get more aggressive, change the fact were living like Flamer Flanders, and need to become more like the Fonze.. Ayyyy.. Boys, it’s about time we reach down and grab a pair, & take our lives back to the time when getting a piece meant something, and was worth it.
Thanks for the article and insights. My concern is that I already do most (pretty much all) of the things noted above. I’m aware she thinks her body is flawed in some areas. I always compliment her, highlight the great parts of her body (which is fit and amazing)! I always approach her for a subtle kiss to the neck, hug or pat on the backside. My fear is that she thinks any time she returns the gesture it means sex. She certainly does not think about sex nearly as much as I do, and that’s ok, but it has gotten to the point where it’s awkward when she does initiate. She just doesn’t seem comfortable and yet we’ve been dating for well over 20 years, married 18. Sex is great, she uses toys together, and we have sex regularly. She just does not seem very responsive. There are times where me asking for a simple hug or kiss is seen as annoying and interrupting her day. The body language is such a turn off. She doesn’t realize that the signals she gives have more impact than the words she chooses. We’ve tried to discuss but it is usually met with the response of me being so sensitive and “needy”. I’ve told her that I’m aware of my sensitivity, but that I crave contact and intimacy with her. I’ve also told her it’s not always just sex I want, sometimes just a kiss. Rarely, if ever, does she even give a hug or kiss. On the flip side, she does seem to enjoy sex, she’s not verbal or aggressive in bed, but does enjoy it. Sorry for the long reply, just airing some thoughts!
Wow! I cannot believe that this is not taught as default curriculum in every high school! This is literally the piece of the puzzle that has been missing in my relationship, how many times have I argued and made my fiancée feel guilty. She feels that there is something wrong with her and I have re-inforced that belief so many times. Thank you for writing this and sharing this with me, understand that your decision to post these articles have saved my relationship!
Wrong information. Spontaneous or responsive arousal is not gender specific.
@Acid —
Well, of course, in one sense, you’re absolutely right. There will always be exceptions to a general rule.
So, say we’re talking about height. I can make the general statement, “Men are taller than women.” That may be true in the general sense, but we all know women who are 6′ tall, and men who are 5’6″. There are always outliers. It is more accurate to say, “On a Bell Curve, in general, men’s average height is taller than women’s average height, when taken in the aggregate.”
But, of course, that’s just a mouthful. So, as a shortcut, we simply say, “Men are taller than women.”
In the same way, think of desire as a continuum where the majority of women are more responsive than spontaneous, with the opposite being true of men.
There are outliers in both genders who have only responsive desire, and outliers who have only spontaneous desire, and there’s also overlap, but on the whole, the female population experiences sexual desire as more responsive than spontaneous.
Rebecca
Just wanted to say thank you. I stumbled into a lot of what you have taught and sort of stumbled into similar solutions without knowing it. This makes so much more sense of what I have been struggling with. My wife once said she actually doesn’t want to say no to me. I am going to keep that in mind when I initiate more and let the chips fall as it were. It is fun flirting again!!! D
@Daniel LaCorte —
You’re welcome! Glad it’s helping.
When you initiate, remember to ‘go big or go home’. The bolder and more unabashed you are about initiating, the easier it is for her to respond.
Rebecca
Rebecca, I am what most historical ideology would consider the ideal husband. I do nearly all of the housework, I give my wife 2 hour foot rubs every night, I put bee needs first every single day, I talk to her about everything and consider her my intellectual equal in every way. I plan unique and different date nights and even start planning thoughtful Valentine’s Day activities months in advance etc but still I have the exact same issue as all other men. To that end I have been reading and studying the female nature to understand what I am doing wrong. I have discovered a few undeniable truths. The first is that women say they want one thing but really desire another. This is actually not a contradiction. Women do want a nice guy for many reasons but none of that sparks any sexual desire. For a woman to remain engaged sexually they need novelty. What I am saying is that monogamy is what Jill’s a woman’s desire. Yet they are very loyal creatures so here lies the unresolvable issue. They love their nice guy husbands but after a couple of years they get bored with them but are not willing to lose their husbands by finding sex in the side they do the only other thing that they can. Then suppress their own sexual needs. This is easily proven bt eavesdropping in a girls night out. They see a hot guy dancing and excuse the vulgarity but the juices immediately start flowing. So the best cure for female decreased libido is a new man. I am proof that you can’t just try new things or new places etc unless I can physically put myself into another mans body it will never work. Also contrary to what women think us men don’t just want to do whatever it takes to get more sex, what we want us to feel physically desired by our wives . So unless they initiate sex from their own desires we will never feel what we need. The feeling of being desired. So in general when women complain about how men are pigs and unemotional grunting primitive a holes they need only to blame themselves as we know that is not what they want but it is what they desire.
@Frustrated Romantic —
Most of what you’re describing involves Relationship Comfort/Connection, and doesn’t boost Attraction.
Attraction is powered by dopamine and it’s what fuels sexual desire.
Try these two things …
1. Stop putting her needs first, and prioritize your own needs. It’s counter-intuitive, but women respond well when you do that.
2. Do less talking, and develop a bit of ‘Mystery’. This also attracts women. Think Clint Eastwood.
Let me know how it goes.
Rebecca
I have tried doing this in the past but I couldn’t keep up the act. Nice guys always finish last and my nice guy nature always seems to leak through. it’s not easy changing who you are. I wi agree with you that I have become more of the woman in our relationship which I agree is probably a turn off. But like I said in my post. Women say they want the nice guy but they desire the bad boy and it is difficult to be both. I’ll let you know how it goes
My big mistake is occasionally talking about this stuff and it only makes it worse. The problem is, my wife is very resistant to solving her medical issues (hypothyroid, transitioning between nursing/pregnancy/periods). I suspect the issue it mostly hormonal, but there is also some baggage that is hard to overcome (porn issue before marriage that has never relapsed) that taints my attempts at flirting and being aggressive.
@CJN —
Really, it’s counter-intuitive, but talking to your partner about their lack of interest is about the worst thing you can do.
Attraction and desire are primal, not intellectual, so talking rarely helps, and almost always hurts. Instead, you’ve got to figure out where the blockages are and take action to increase attraction.
Pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding play havoc with hormones. When a woman breastfeeds, she produces copious amounts of prolactin (‘pro-lactation’ hormone). Prolactin is notorious for decimating libido. For example, in experiments, when they’ve dosed normal, healthy men with prolactin, their sex drives plummeted. (Surprisingly enough, ultra-low levels of prolactin also affect sex drive, as well.)
So, if your wife has been pregnant or nursing in the last few years, it has no doubt affected her sex drive. Low thyroid can also play a role in diminished sex drive.
Don’t think of it so much as ‘flirting and being aggressive’; just focus on strong leadership. Building muscle plus strong leadership typically results in increased attraction.
Rebecca
this is soooooo insightful, when I read this, I went home, fed my kids, gently grabbed her by her hair and gave her a deep passionate kiss. Then I told her to wait to see what happened when I get home, she asked me what I was going to do and I said nothing lol. Thank you for the information every man needs to learn about these things, I am going to work on the Enthusiastic Pleasure in her body next. #thankful
@Michael Henry —
I’m so glad the blog is helping. Sounds like you’re on the right track. : )
Rebecca
Hi,
I have few questions. Can I send personal email? Once we discuss it I/you can post it on your blog.
Thanks
Hi @RKR —
Sure. My email is rebeccawatson.serenity@gmail.com. Or you can send me a message via the blog contact form.
Rebecca
O! M! G!
Where have you been for the past 40 years?? This short article and the comments describe the relationship between my wife and myself EXACTLY! I gained great insight with the comment you made about when women initiate, it may be so subtle that we miss it.
I believe that we, as men, have been told (primarily by women) for the past few decades that we need to treat women in a way that gives them security and comfort, but has nothing to do with desire. Meanwhile romance novels are flying off the shelves and women are having more affairs than ever. The answer? Create the desire that she doesn’t know is smoldering under the surface, waiting to burst into flames. And it’s all about being MEN. Being Masculine. Taking the lead. But in a loving, direct way- not in a jerkish “go make me a sammich, Woman” kind of way.
‘Scuse me – gotta go find my long lost manhood and try to fit back inside it.
@RonMan —
Yup. Three love systems, separate but connected. Most people work on Connection/Relationship Comfort at the expense of working on Attraction. It may help you feel closer, but it doesn’t get you great sex.
Glad to help. 🙂
Rebecca
Yep – two love syte…WAIT! WHAT? You added one! Now I gotta do more research. I thought I had this all figured out yesterday….
@RonMan —
LOL Gotta keep you on your toes! 😉
Strong leadership! And sexual texting I’ve just read you first 2 posts and I’m also going through the exact same thing I thought I was a pervert and my wife was completely off sex but before me she would go out looking for sex! To prove to herself she could get it! And she was attractive! I looked back at that and was thinking why can’t she be like that with me is there more to her story or? Hopefully you can help me as I’m at my witts end and I’ve lost all confidence in how to start and I also feel really detected and lonely when she does reject me to the point that I want to run away please help guys
Stuart,
You sound beat down. I can relate. As hard as it may seem, do something TODAY to make you feel more like a man. Look in the mirror, suck in your gut, wink at yourself and say “You got this, Big Guy.” Do 10 pushups. Can’t do 10? Do 1 pushup. Buy some running shoes. Pick up a brochure to the gym, or better yet, go join the gym. It doesn’t matter what – just do something. Then tomorrow, do 2 somethings. Then 3 somethings. Eventually, really start pushing yourself.
I think Rebecca is saying to not spend a lot of time trying to figure out the nuances of how your wife thinks (and I would add that even she doesn’t know how she thinks.) Instead, focus on reclaiming your testicles. As you become more masculine, she can’t help but become more attracted to you.
AND – get your T levels checked out.
Excellent advice, @RonMan.
Do you have any advice for how I can ever truly feel confident in myself when I know I was my wife’s second choice? It kinda sux because I found this out only recently. I used to have very low self esteem until I met my wife who seemed to really be in to me and that really seemed to boost my self confidence. But now after 23 years of an amazing marriage I find out that I was actually a rebound that went permanent. We started dating just after she and her her high school sweetheart broke up. That was probably a bad idea because she didn’t have time to morn the end of that relationship. Regardless we then dated for 6 wonderful months but then he started to appear back in her life again and soon she tried to get back with him and she intended on breaking up with me but it turned out that he didn’t want her back so she then chose me as her second option. I didn’t know any of this at the time but now that I do I can’t seem to get over the fact that I owe everything that I love in this world to her ex boyfriend because If he wanted her back I would have lost her. Now I just feel that all of my best memories are tainted. She says she was just young and stupid and just had a hard time getting over him even though she knew I was a better match. So in essence he had her heart but I guess I was a an adequate consolation. I know it was nearly 28 years ago that this happened but since I just found out 2 years ago it is still a very open wound for me. Everyone just tells me to get over it but I just don’t seem to be able to.
@Frustrated Romantic —
Your value doesn’t lie in your wife’s perception.
Trying to gain your wife’s respect is a sure way to lose it. Do the things that make you respect yourself, and your wife’s respect will follow.
She’s basically incidental to the process.
Rebecca
is it true that most women never really get over their first love? Or at least it takes a lot longer? I am feeling that a lot of my pain is my fault for not letting her get over her breakup before I entered the picture. So I may have no reason to feel betrayed as what she did was a normal response. I’m really not looking for an answer to make me feel better I need the cold hard truth because much of my frustration and pain is coming from dishonesty from those that I love trying to spare my feelings. Make no mistake though I am a romantic, I have spent the last two years trying to strip away the fantasy world that I have created and understand the harsh truth of what happened to me in a real sense. I believe my only path to resolving my issues is through honest truths, biology and psychology.
@Frustrated Romantic —
Nah, not really.
Attraction is pretty much a formula. Do the things that attract women, and lo and behold, she becomes attracted.
No more romanticism. It’s unproductive. Stop looking at the past. Start here and do the things that build attraction.
Let us know how it goes. : )
Rebecca
Thank you for the advice. One further comment/ question. I’m not looking for more sex though it would be nice. But I am looking to be replace the desire that she had for him with the desire she has for me. Even though she says she finds me sexually attractive, I don’t seem to be able to believe it because given the choice between us she chose him. But even if only to convince myself of it I do want to find s way to rock her world. Then maybe we both can forget about him. Now the question so are you saying that I need to choose to either be the “bad boy” and get her to lust after me or be the nice guy and be more loved but get less sex? Is there not a way to be both?
Or since I’m now in my late 40s though still look pretty good, is it time for me to give up the ghost and just be happy being in the old love state?
@Frustrated Romantic —
It just depends on how much effort you want to make. If you want to attract your wife, there are specific ways to do that. But you have to step out of your comfort zone.
Rebecca
Thank you again. I am very much interested in putting the effort in. But I’m doubtful that my wife is interested in noticing my efforts. Especially if it interferes with sleep or her iPhone games. Perhaps it is time to throw in the towel.But I’ll read your advice and give it one more try. I owe myself at least that much.
@Frustrated Romantic —
Let me know how it goes. : )
Rebecca
@Frustrated Romantic —
Sure, you need to be both … relationship comfort/connection and attraction. They’re two separate love systems; both are necessary.
Rebecca
Hi Rebecca, I read your article about three years ago and it totally changed everything. My wife and I are now having the best sex ever!!!! I was quite bad with rejection and I would be a grump about it, which in turn upset my wife and made her think I only wanted to be around her if we had sex. Understanding Relationship comfort vs Attraction was huge, however the biggest eye opener was spontaneous desire vs responsive desire! Now I’m sending text messages(and pics!), kissing her randomly, doing drive buys, and most importantly dealing with rejection well (most of the time because I handle rejection so well we usually have sex) Because of this my wife clearly feels more comfortable and confident. We are doing things we’ve never done before and shes wearing things shes never worn before (beautiful dresses and corsets) She’s even initiating sex! (I’m practicing that spontaneous desire!) I also want to make clear the sex is amazing, its not just sex, its passion and lust. I completely had a paradigm shift and can’t thank you enough. Your clear breakdown of how everything works even down to the chemicals in your brain makes it so easy to understand. I’ve read so many articles that touch on certain things but not everything. And without the whole picture you wont accomplish anything. This page needs way more attention!!! You’re a master of your craft!!!
PS: I’ve also helped two of my friends having similar issues with their wives. Both have graciously thanked me for it, of which I point them back to this site.
I think there’s some truth to this, but there’s more going “wrong” with a lot of women. I can show all the desire and confidence, etc., in the world for my wife. She damn near ALWAYS finds one reason or another to kill hers. Even in the rare case that she wants sex, say, at 7 in the evening (I can tell). Dollars to donuts she’ll find something to upset herself between then and the kids going to bed. So what do you do with that? We live on planet earth. Earth is earth, not heaven. No man can make the world, or even her world, with all the factors and variables and, you know, stuff, perfect. Especially if she’s only looking for the imperfections. But that’s the requisite for any sexual desire to even be possible.
This year my wife let us have sex only once. It was the next day after she was meeting and old guy friend, and not answering my calls, went to a lesbian club with him and quarreled with him because he said something homophobic. Earlier, a year ago, she had an affair and sex with a lesbian woman, but finally stayed with me.
We have a child. I’ve almost lost any hope anything in our life can be changed.
I am working hard, while her job is not bringing money, and is more like a hobby.
Yes, I am not a leader, I can’t dance, I can’t sing, I am not good in inviting her to go anywhere (she usually is not interested in what I can propose).
I had not many sexual partners in my life.
But I am really moved, when another women hug me, or let me lead, in social situations – what my wife never lets me. I am truthful to my wife, but recently tried to sleep with a woman from my work and couldn’t because I was too drunk and because of all the stress which is associated now for me with sex. I know that I am getting old (almost 40), and sex is probably not for me.
@Zet —
You need to set stronger boundaries with your wife. She’ll never be attracted as long as she can get away with murder. Build the leverage you need in the marriage to set boundaries.
Rebecca
I am beyond frustrated. My wife and I have an amazing marriage. It’s my second marriage and her first. I have two teenage children from my previous marriage. We both have successful careers and control of our schedules. I have always done everything you have suggested. Not because I’m following a playbook, but because I’m genuinely super attracted to and Super in love w my wife. I constantly flirt and touch and I’m playfully “inappropriate.” She is responsive in every way but sexually. When we have sex she almost always has an orgasm, but she treats sex like we have to get it over as quick as possible. No interest in foreplay at all. It’s like a total role reversal. I want to pay attention to every part of her body and enjoy different acts and positions. We used to do this before we were married and when we were first married. Now I have literally gone 6 years without a blow job. And when I try to oral with her she gives it thirty seconds and then pulls me on top of her. I’ve tried absolutely everything, from discussing it to initiating to withholding and waiting. And by the way, I’m 11 years older. There is simply no logical reason for this.
Completely and utterly at the end of my rope.
@Mike —
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I know how painful it is.
Most of what you’re describing is typically an attraction issue. When you do the things that (really) build attraction, you typically see improvement in her response.
Rebecca
I do all of this. In fact, hearing my wife, I do it too much, flirt too much with her, text too much with her, talk about sex with her, talk about her body, how sexy she is, do drive-byes, touch her, that I truly desire her. Not just sex. When I start dirty talk, how I love going down on her, making her explode, having my hands in her or squeezing her breast, or ass, or with how her bj are the best ever, or how I love her hands and mouth on my hard thick co^k, it just turns her off, she says it makes her feel cheap, like slutty. But all she sees it as, I want sex, all the time. She says it just puts so much pressure on her. How I can want sex every day but she could go weeks and not want it. Sex is great when we have it, her words, I make her feel likes she never has. I make it all about her body, her desires, she always comes first. We are on our 3rd year of marriage.
@Deep —
Try backing away and doing your own thing. Go out and do exciting stuff that brings you energy and flow. I think you’ll see an improvement.
Rebecca
Sitting here reading all these comments from over the years really makes me want to get a divorce. Women are wired terribly wrong. I’ve been married for 6 years and we as men shouldn’t have to do all this crap. Having to perform 3 methods of attraction/desire/whatever CONSTANTLY is still a matter of “aligning the stars correctly” in order to attain a possible end result of consistent sex.
Men think logically. Women think emotionally. It’s terrible. Women are broken, lol.
Just a random rant.
What if you have tried all of these options, but are still in the same boat? I understand the responsive and spontaneous side for both parties. I adore my wife and let her know how much I love her regularly. From telling her she is beautiful, that I love her, that I think she is incredibly sexy, that she turns me on, I’ve text her throughout the day. I’ve tried every option you have suggested before ever reading any of this, but by reading this I do understand things more clearly. I feel that, after trying so many different things, that in the end she still is not sexually into me. I just don’t want to keep trying to initiate sex and feel like she just gives in because I want it and she does not.
@Matt —
Cut down on the compliments and texts.
She is not the Earth and you are not the Moon. Don’t orbit her.
Go out and do the things that bring you pleasure and flow.
And make sure not to give in to her constantly. Stand your ground.
Rebecca
Love the article, and I will try it. I’ve read all the responses too and I feel as frustrated as the others. That said, I can only work on me; and I will because of this article. Here’s my question…how do I encourage her to work on her (as stated in your responses that other articles are geared towards women), without sending the message that she’s broken? I’m referring to a statement you made that, basically, the worst thing to do is point it out to her. I will take the lead, but like so many others, I’ve taken the lead for many years and I’m tired of it. Enough typing. I’m going to start right now.
@Frustrated —
Once you start making improvements and displaying higher value, the tables will turn and she will strive to keep up with you.
Rebecca
I do these things, I do them constantly, kiss her neck, touch her as I’m passing. Tell her she’s beautiful which, she is. Text her how great she looks naked etc… She never had trouble initiating before me with other men, but now she never initiates. C’mon already, enough with the hoops to jump through. Do you love me or not?
@Rick —
Jumping through hoops is part of the problem. Try complimenting her less, texting her less, and going out on your own more.
Rebecca
This is all driven to satisfy a woman’s needs. I too as a man need to feel wanted and taken back by how much my wife wants me. Why should I always be the hunter. I want to be hunted down and eaten alive – which was very much the case when we was trying for children – I felt used!
@Jay —
It’s not a matter of fairness … simply biology. You’ve got about 10 times more testosterone than she does. That’s a game-changer.
https://hightmarriage.com/the-3-times-a-woman-initiates-like-a-man/
https://hightmarriage.com/why-she-wants-sex-less-than-you/
Rebecca
Hmm definetly something to think about. I don’t know if any of this is actually useful for me, but it is certainly something to think about. I don’t have any doubts about being able to invoke her attraction for me. Ive just been feeling pretty down lately and to feel desired would certainly help. And its to feel it, not know it
I am sexually dominant and know how to and enjoy playing with her buttons. Ive noticed alot of men here feel like there being told that its some sort of order of operations which its not.
The brain is biggest sex organ on the human body, what i think some men need to understand is, that its about hitting the right buttons and not neccesarily the order. Unless were talking about bdsm, but thats not the topic so moving on.
Now having read through your posts and the various MRA style “its not fair :(” comments from readers (cue ad hominem attack) I dont feel this adresses getting her to initiate sex. Great advice for those in a sexless or passionless marriage but what about those of us who can with a look and a simple command bring her desire out.?
For me its a simple matter of being tired of the one doing all the work. I have mentioned this to her before and she says she tries to initiate but i don’t see how. She says she will tickle me??? Thats never been a turn on for me, its actually sign/symbol/bonding of companionship to me. She does know where some if not all of my erogenous zones are but often avoids them
I also may have the lower sex drive as i can go months without sex and not care. She by contrast gets very frustrated and becomes insecure. She has thought i was going to leave her or was talking to other woman, found her un-attractive and so on. Truthfully im just tired, i have up untill recently done close to 75% of the domestic stuff while working full time and helping with caring for our children.
So im not really sure what to make of the advice you’ve given, i dont see attraction as being the problem. I feel like when we have great sex its kind-of one sided, she has a great time but its just buisness as usual for me. Penny for your thoughts?
@Dylan —
This article is written from the POV of the man being the higher-drive partner.
In your specific situation with you as the lower-drive partner …
You need to figure out what’s going on with your libido. Is it general health/hormones, is it exhaustion, resentment from doing more than your share of the domestic stuff, are you not attracted to her, specifically, etc.?
Eventually, your lack of desire is going to lower attraction. Figure that out first.
Also, stop doing more than your share and start doing the stuff that brings you energy and flow.
Rebecca
@Dylan —
If she’s turned on by your leadership, try telling her very specifically how you want her to intiate. The leadership will likely be enough to get her going, and you get what you want. Win/win
Rebecca
To me that’s a bad example right off the top the point is she’s not having sex.
We never had sex well into any night I need to know how to get her there.
Maybe I’m missing something here I need a better example of responsive desire.
First she doesn’t think like you do unfortunately she always says she broken and has know desires of any kind. Over the past thirty years I tried everything and nothing works. If I was to pat that ass she’d be like oh know and that would scare her away even more. She never ever ever wants it so you know what happens it’s me alone again like when I was sixteen years old. We are a older couple in are 60s now I would give anything for one time for her to be willing at all. Never gonna happen know matter what you teach me it’s just not. Nice try.
Wow! So many reading this page -why, if many of you know a better answer? I read a lot of that and yes in any group of people we need leaders! In Sport, at work, school and even in surviving groups. After Doctor Keonig German Psychologist easy explained. Group creations with different roles. I am in a relationship for almost 8 years -ok not long but it is in any way like the first weeks. How to make her happy – cut off any routine, be creative find what she likes and yourself, change it up and
just a reminder a man is maybe happy after an orgasm, a woman starts up after the first 2-3! If you can satisfy your woman that’s she said “Wow the Best ever” and she said it after 8 years – she thinks about you more often and many men don’t even know how to satisfy completely a woman! Read, watch teaching videos not porn ( what is a simple in/out roll to the side and she is happy stupidity ) find ways to make her crazy. I am a Athlete, Physical therapist and even I knew a lot I studied more and wished I had the knowledge as younger man and btw my girl loves to be guided in sex from me as leader, as we equal outside the bedroom! Hope I gave some help. God bless you all! (sorry English third Language)
My problem with this post and the book at the bottom of the page about mindful attraction plan is that it can make it easier for men to fool women. I want to attract, date, and marry a true Alpha Male. A guy who is naturally that way. That’s my goal and I think I can do it. But that book seems like it teaches average dweeb-type guys how to walk, talk, think, and act like they are alpha males because we respond to them that way. but all it really does is make it harder to spot the real Alphas because now I have to sift through all of the fake alphas that “learned” how to act that way. And if I marry a guy like that he could end up being like so many of the men that are dweebs inside, but soon enough I would see through his “act”, and wouldn’t be attracted to him. Then I’m stuck in the exact type of sexless marriage I want to avoid. I think the book helps men get attraction from women, but makes it much harder for women to find a true Alpha Male strong leader and partner.
Can you give me any guidance on whether to accept my wife’s offers of manual “help” when I try to initiate and she’s not up for it. I enjoy when she does that for me but I am afraid she’s using it as a crutch to not engage in something more mutual with me. I acknowledge that I have work to do on increasing attractiveness (I’ve historically been more the comfort-providing “nice guy”/”good husband”), but at the same time she’s having midlife physical changes that she says makes her not want to (we’re in our early 50s) and I’m afraid her “help” may be the best I can get? How does that affect the dynamic? Does it make things worse long term?
@PP315 —