You’re a good husband, you’re a great dad, you’ve got a stable career, nice home, decent cars, you can afford the occasional vacation. So why doesn’t your wife want more sex with you? Why do you feel like all the planets have to align just so in order for her to be in the mood? What more does she want?
As I coach guys who are trying to increase attraction within their marriage, something I’ve noticed is that their lives make great resumes …. but lousy dating profiles. They’re so busy being what society has taught them about being a good husband, provider and dad, they’ve lost the excitement and challenge that attracted their wives in the first place.
When I ask a client, “What’s the most exciting thing you did this week?”, he typically has a blank look of incomprehension for a few moments, and then I see the light dawn in his eyes. The answer might range from ‘I took the kids to the park’ to ‘I did an extra work-out’ to ‘We tried a new 4-star restaurant this week’, but rarely has he done anything that really revved his engine, nothing that took him out of his comfort zone or challenged him.
The truth is, he’s bored with his life. He can do his job with no problem, he’s not challenging himself physically, he’s rarely in a situation he can’t handle or hasn’t done a thousand times before; he’s basically just coasting along. In a word, he’s ….. bored … and boring. And boring guys don’t typically tend to attract women, whether married or not.
If what attracted your wife in the beginning was that you were doing a biking tour of Europe, but you haven’t been outside your home town for 10 years, that’s a problem. If what attracted her was your intelligence, but she hasn’t seen that side of you in recent memory, it’s a problem. If she was attracted by the fact that you were the star quarterback and insanely competitive, but the nearest thing you’ve had to competition lately is coaching your kids’ ball teams, it’s going to affect her attraction. More importantly, it’s going to impact how you feel about yourself.
A lot of time what I’m seeing is that a guy is really dissatisfied with his wife and his marriage, but it actually ends up being all about him. The truth is, he’s dissatisfied with his life, with himself. And that’s something that no woman and no amount of sex in the world is going to fix. In our society, men have lost the traditionally masculine venues that allow them to be men; to be challenged, to be required to strive, to feel alive.
So how do you fix it?
You have to make the time to do things that excite you. You have to stop being afraid of new things. You have to be willing to look like an idiot as you learn new skills. You have to step out of your comfort zone.
What does that look like for you?
Okay, for those of you recovering nice guys, get out there and sign up for a martial arts class. No better way to cure yourself of fearing conflict than putting yourself into a venue where you are going to deliberately seek out other guys in order to hit them. Or go take some rock climbing lessons. If you’re working out at home, go join a gym. Start training for a Tough Mudders challenge. Or find a gun range and take shooting lessons. Anything that doesn’t involve sitting in the comfort of your own home using a computer.
Or maybe your career is stagnated. Sure, you’re making great money, but it’s boring as hell. Golden handcuffs. Okay, then figure out the next step. Side business, branching out on your own, training in a related field? What’s going to give you that feeling of excitement again when you walk out the door for work? Go do that thing.
And yep, this means you’re going to have to sit down with your wife and tell her that you’re not going to be as available as normal, that you’re actually going to take some time for you. Something that doesn’t involve her or the kids or the house or the cars. And she may not like it. She may want equal time for herself. Which is great. After all, it’s a good thing when your wife reacts to your changes by improving herself. It’s a win-win.
So here’s the challenge …. this week, take some time and create a dating profile. What things on there would inspire someone to answer your ad? What new skill are you learning lately? What fun thing have you tried this week? What challenge is engaging you at the moment? What exciting date night activity could the two of you do together?
(Uh, don’t actually …you know …post the dating profile on a website. But you knew that, right? Right? 😉 )
TL; DR If your profile is too boring to attract a date, it’s too boring to attract your wife. In that case, you’ve got some work to do.