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How Did a Nice Girl Like Me ……..

…… end up in a marriage like this?

That’s what you’re wondering. You’ve been married for 10, 15, 20 years, and you can’t understand what happened. The thing that attracted you most to him was that lovely shiver he sent down your spine when he kissed the back of your neck, but he hasn’t even seen the back of your neck for two years now. Whut hap’n’d?

T levels decrease for a lot of different reasons. Aging, obesity, diabetes, sedentary lifestyles, and Vitamin D3 deficiency are some of them. However, we also know that in the general male population, T levels have dropped significantly over the last 20 years. That is, a 50 year old man today has less testosterone than his 50 year old counterpart from two decades ago. See articles here and here and here.

So, what’s going on? The truth is we don’t know. Many researchers believe that environmental toxins are responsible, some say it’s exposure to plastics, some blame estrogen-laden birth control excreted  into our water supply. There is some evidence that carrying a cell phone close to his genitals can lower a man’s T levels.

Whatever the causes, for reasons both inside and outside your husband’s control, his T levels are shot. The question becomes, what are you going to do about it? Low T husbands are notoriously resistant to getting their T levels checked. You may already know this because you have asked, then pleaded, then begged. You’ve cried, you’ve threatened, you’ve yelled. Nope. Nothing happens. Nothing changes.

Why is this? It used to seem so easy to me. Once I discovered what was going on with my husband, I had this brilliantly obvious idea that I would send him the information I had found about low T, he would realize that low T was the culprit responsible for his lack of interest in sex, he would go get it fixed and we would live happily-ever-after. Simple, right? Uh….. not so much.

I met with a massive wall of denial.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, thank you very much. Our sex life was just fine. We were having more sex than most people. In fact, the problem was me. Why couldn’t I just be satisfied with sex once every couple weeks? After all, he said, I knew he loved me. Wasn’t that enough? He had been a bit off lately because of job stress, but it was totally temporary. What do you mean? We just had sex …. uh …. not that long ago. Maybe last week?  Okay, there was that one job meeting that had him worried, but it was definitely the week before that.

Come on and nod along with me. You know this song and dance, don’t you? Raise your hand if you’ve lived this with your own husband.  And it makes you furious. Because why is he such an idiot? Why doesn’t he care enough about you or the marriage to fix what is clearly a medical issue?

When I first met with such resistance from my husband, I was convinced that it meant he didn’t care enough about me or our marriage to want to fix this. I was so focused on my own feelings of rejection and pain, that I couldn’t see how threatened or afraid he was feeling. We got into a horrible negative cycle where both of us felt misunderstood and unloved.

In dealing with a lot of men and women who are in low T marriages, I have  come to understand that my husband’s reactions had nothing to do with me and everything to do with fear. The thought that his equipment might be broken was terrifying to him and threatened his identity as a man. It was far less painful to him to live in a state of denial and bury his head in the sand. In this case, when he says, “It’s not you; it’s me,” he is telling you the absolute truth.

Part of your journey is going to involve getting past your own pain and feelings of rejection, and looking at this in a much more pragmatic way. It’s a medical problem; like diabetes or thyroid dysfunction. Even though you’re affected, it really has nothing to do with you. I learned to think of it like a traffic jam; it’s not my fault, I didn’t cause it, I just have to find a way around it.

Remember …. it’s not you, it’s him.