How do you get your wife to initiate?
For a lot of men, it’s one of the most frustrating aspects of marriage.
A lot of guys are tired of doing all the work.
Maybe you just want her to take over for a change. Not all the time, just once in a blue moon.
Sometimes you don’t want to chance another rejection.
And sometimes you simply want to know you’re wanted.
Talking to her doesn’t work. And ‘waiting her out’ just means a long dry spell.
You need a path forward.
It is possible to get your wife to initiate more. But first you have to understand the science behind why she doesn’t.
To Get Your Wife to Initiate, Understand the Science of Female Initiations
Here’s what we’ll cover:
- 4 reasons she doesn’t initiate
- 3 times a woman initiates like a man
- 1 key to get your wife to initiate
4 Reasons She Doesn’t Initiate
Women are universally much less likely to initiate than men; in fact, in more than 60% of couples, men initiate more often than women.
No surprise there, but why is that?
It’s a mixture of biology and evolutionary psychology:
- Women tend to have Responsive desire vs. Spontaneous desire
- Men have higher testosterone levels than women
- Unlike men, women don’t initiate unless Attraction is very high
- Women are attracted to men who take charge; her taking control lowers her desire
Women Tend to Have Responsive Desire vs. Spontaneous Desire
Women don’t initiate as much as men because they’re not wired like men.
Kind of like a car that’s in neutral; it’s not going anywhere unless someone gives it a nudge.
While women are capable of immense sexuality, they need something to rev the engine in order to get going.
Spontaneous Desire Plays Key Role in Initiations
Incidentally, this seems to hold true across the board, even when looking at same-sex couples.
When you put two women together, sex quantity dwindles. One study found that 42% of lesbians report extremely infrequent sex, either once a month or not at all, compared to only 15% of women in heterosexual relationships.
But what happens if you have two guys together? You’d expect that since more men have Spontaneous desire, a gay male couple would have more sex.
And yep, that’s exactly what happens. When you have at least one male in a pairing, sex frequency goes up.
Lesbian couples have less sex than everybody else.
Testosterone Levels – An Initiation Game Changer
Another reason she’s less likely to initiate than you is that you have 10-20 times higher testosterone levels than she does!
Testosterone fuels not only libido, but also motivation, focus, confidence, and drive, all of which make you more likely to initiate sex.
Expecting your wife to initiate like you do is kind of like expecting her to deadlift as much as you.
Women Don’t Initiate Unless Attraction is Sky High
Because of Spontaneous desire, a man will initiate sex even if he’s not all that attracted to his partner in the moment. In other words, his libido overrides his lack of attraction.
For a man, libido is king.
Women, though, are the polar opposite. For a woman, attraction is king.
While attraction can overcome a lack of libido for a woman, you rarely see the opposite, where libido supersedes a lack of attraction. Sometimes it happens, especially when a woman is ovulating, but it’s not common.
Evolutionary biology wires a woman to only want sex with the strongest of men in order to ensure the survival of her offspring and thus the species as a whole.
Nature don’t care about your feelings; it only wants to ensure the survival of the species.
Women Are Sexually Attracted to Men Who Take Charge
The last reason is more nuanced but super important. In fact, it’s the core of female sexuality.
The truth is that women are attracted to men who take charge, specifically men who are motivated, focused and determined.
If a woman has to actively initiate, it automatically puts the guy in a passive role, and that’s blunts her sexual desire.
For her to be fully feminine, she needs her man to be fully masculine, for him to drive the encounter; she wants to be ‘taken’, swept away by his intensity.
Female Initiations Are Indirect
This is why female initiations tend to be so camouflaged that you may not even recognize they’re happening.
Because she needs for the man to take an active role in order for her to feel fully attracted, a woman will subtly initiate just enough that her guy will get the picture and take over the encounter.
This gives her the sex she’s wanting without sacrificing the attraction that comes from her husband taking charge.It’s maddening to men but it’s so instinctual that she’s not even aware that she’s doing it.
It’s actually entirely rational once you understand the dynamics!
Work with Nature to Get Your Wife to Initiate
So, are you just stuck? She’s not wired to initiate, and you simply have to accept that?
Not at all! You can get your wife to initiate but you need to work with, not against her biology. Let’s take a look at the 3 times a woman will initiate like a man.
The 3 Times a Woman Initiates Like a Man
- High Attraction
When She’s Drinking
No surprise here. We’ve all seen the inhibitions go down and the desire go up when a woman drinks. It’s not for nothing that a man will buy drinks for a woman he’s only just met in a bar.
“During drinking events, women described being less concerned with risks … less discriminating regarding sexual partners … “
When She’s Ovulating
You see a frequent pattern in marriage where the wife initiates sex once or twice a month.
If you keep track, you’ll notice that these initiations almost always happen right around ovulation.
Without knowing why, she’s wired to seek out sex when she’s most fertile.
Life finds a way.
Significant Increase in Sexual Behavior at Ovulation
“Married women … experienced a significant increase in their sexual behavior at the time of ovulation. This peak was statistically significant for all female-initiated behavior, including … female-initiated heterosexual behavior …”
When She’s Highly Attracted
Now we come to the heart of it, the part where you can gain traction in discovering how to get your wife to initiate.
A woman is much more likely to initiate sex when she’s highly attracted to her partner.
Not a newsflash.
We’ve all seen those nutty groupies who throw themselves (sometimes literally) at rock stars, actors, pro athletes, etc. To the point where you kind of feel embarrassed for them.
It’s clear that women have no qualms at all about initiating with a man when they’re strongly attracted.
This is where you dig in because while you can’t do much about the first two factors … you obviously can’t keep her drunk or ovulating 24/7 … there’s plenty you can do to increase attraction in your marriage.
And studies are very clear on what attracts women.
- Shoulder breadth
In other words, attraction is all about masculine strength.
Traits that Lead to Female Initiations
These traits predict how often a woman initiates sex, as well as how often she has sex, and orgasm frequency:
How You Get Your Wife to Initiate
In summary, you can’t act directly on your wife to get her to initiate. The more you talk to her about it, show resentment about it, allow bitterness to take hold, the less attracted she becomes.
Instead, you work indirectly to build overall attraction in your marriage. Once attraction is high, you don’t have to do anything else; you just let nature take its course.
Like Mark did, a coaching client:
I can’t believe the difference in my marriage! My wife has become so sexual again.
I honestly can’t believe it. Or believe it can really last.
We had sex twice last night, which hasn’t happened since we were first married. We’ve had sex two nights in a row several times recently, but not twice in one night. Red-letter event!
Date nights are actually ending up in sex! I never thought that would happen again.
We’ve literally been having so much sex that one night, I was just done. I thought, “Enough, I’m ready for some downtime,” but then she was all over me, so I managed to rise to the occasion. ; )
I know you said it would happen, but I truly didn’t believe you.
She pulled me into the bedroom the other night to model her new swimsuits. Which of course, led to other things. With the kids in the other room watching TV!
This from the girl who didn’t used to want sex because ‘the kids might not be asleep yet and could hear us’.
Female Attraction is Predictable
The good news is that women are quite predictable in terms of what attracts them. It’s all about masculine strength and energy.
It is simple to build attraction in your marriage. Not necessarily easy, but very straightforward.
For your path forward, take a look at the articles below; they’re all about how to build attraction in your marriage and get the sex life you crave.
And a wife who initiates!
It’s a win-win!