“Do you have something that will make me want sex again?” she asked, a slight note of desperation in her voice.
I paused and looked at her for a moment, not quite sure how to respond. She glanced away, not wanting to meet my eyes, and I realized she was acutely embarrassed, feeling vulnerable and exposed by her question.
I picked my way carefully through my words, not wanting to spook her any more than she already was.
“So … what’s going on?”
Her response was heartbreaking.
“I don’t … really want sex … anymore … I used to, but I don’t know what happened. I think … something’s wrong with me,” her voice dropped on the last word.
“My husband already had one affair, and I don’t know what to do to make myself want him again. We fight all the time about sex, and I read that you work with guys to help their wives want sex again, and I just wondered if there was anything I could take …,” her voice trailed off.
Holy heck. How to give her the Reader’s Digest condensed version of how men have spontaneous desire, women have responsive desire, and that there was no pill that would magically make her want sex again.
How did I explain that she wasn’t ‘broken’, it was just that she and her husband had never been taught how sexual desire really works for women.
I started slowly.
“There are lots of reasons women don’t want sex. Hormones do sometimes play a part, and we can check out your hormones and see what’s going on there. However, typically what you find when a woman has low desire is that she and her husband haven’t discovered the things that trigger her responsive desire.
If you really want to increase your desire, we need to get your husband involved. You can’t do this on your own.”
I see so much pain and anger when it comes to sex. Mismatched desire, feelings of rejection and resentment, people lashing out at their less-interested partner by flirting with other people or having affairs. And so much of it is completely unnecessary if we just had a better understanding of how sex works.
I’m not actually sure where I’m going with this post today. Maybe just a slight rant at a society that has done a really lousy job teaching people about sexuality and how it actually works.
Maybe an effort to reach out to those men and women whose sex life isn’t what they thought it would be when they said their vows, people who are desperate to get their sex lives back on track.
So, here’s the deal …
If you’re a guy whose wife has lost interest in sex, it may be that there’s something going on with her physically or her hormones have run amuck … however, the vast majority of time, what you find is that when you start focusing on doing the things that attract her and triggering her responsive desire, her sexuality comes back with a vengeance.
I know it’s hard to believe, but I see this happen over and over and over again.
If you’re a woman who’s stopped wanting sex, understand that you’re not ‘broken’; it’s simply that you’re wired differently than a man. Your desire is normally responsive rather than spontaneous, and once you and your husband figure out what triggers your responsive desire, you will be amazed at how sexual you can be.
First steps for both men and women … read the series linked below to get an idea of responsive versus spontaneous desire.
Responsive Desire Series:
- How to Trigger Her Responsive Desire & Get the Sex You Want
- How a Checkerboard Explains Why Your Wife Isn’t Having Sex With You
- The Secret to Why She Doesn’t Initiate
Try some of the suggestions, and see if things improve.
If you’re still not getting the results you want, give me a shout-out, and set up a One-Hour call. Many people feel like it’s the best money they’ve ever spent.
You don’t have to live with a crappy sex life. You really don’t. You just need to be given a path for moving forward.