Better sex with your wife. Most men would give a lot to hit that goal!
So they dig in and work harder, taking on more domestic responsibility, doing less of the things they love to do, walking on eggshells to keep the peace. They check off all those ‘good husband’ boxes … and yet spontaneous, exciting sex remains out of reach.
Why is that? Why can you knock yourself out doing everything to ‘please’ her, but it never pays off.
The reason none of that works is simple … but counter intuitive.
All of your efforts are going to the wrong area. And are actually working against great sex!
And the real kicker is that the more effort you expend in the wrong area, the worse sex gets.
Less Effort; Better Sex
As you read in Wife Never Interested? The Science of Female Attraction, there are three separate love systems connected with romantic love:
- Attraction system, powered by dopamine
- Comfort system, powered by oxytocin
- Libido system, which is just straight-up hormones
Most men spend way too much effort on the Comfort system when it’s really the Attraction system that will get them the most gains.
You need to do less in the Comfort system and focus instead on the Attraction system.
So, how do you shore up the Attraction system? We’ll cover 3 areas:
- Why being a ‘good husband’ is actively hurting your sex life
- The 3 steps that universally build attraction in women
- The #1 driver for female attraction & desire
Your Efforts Have Increased Comfort (But Not Attraction)
If you’re in a long-term marriage, you’ve got the Comfort system covered. Stability, dependability, kindness, compassion, and tolerance.
Being a good dad, helping out around the house, listening to your wife, spending time with her … all of these build Comfort. You and your wife are swimming in oxytocin.
That’s great. Kind of.
The problem is that oxytocin in your marriage means nada when it comes to creating sexual attraction or getting the sex you want. To create sexual attraction, you need to do the things that increase dopamine.
Focus On Attraction (dopamine) for Better Sex with Your Wife
If you want better sex, it’s time to shift your focus from building Comfort to building Attraction.
When you think about building Attraction, your immediate thought probably goes to your physical appearance. But that’s a trap! Looking good can be part of the overall package, but it’s not the only, or even the primary, driver of female attraction.
Men & Women Very Different When It Comes to Attraction
Men and women are different when it comes to attraction. While men are primarily attracted to a woman’s physical appearance, women are straight up attracted to strength. And not just physical strength.
Female Attraction is All About Strength
Women are attracted to strength in all areas …
Physical strength, financial strength, intellectual strength, emotional strength, social strength, etc. Remember, I’m talking about straight-up attraction here, not comfort or bonding. This is what makes her clothes fall off.
When you show strength, leadership, confidence, courage, independence, intelligence, and success, your wife’s attraction increases.
The stronger you are in all areas – physical strength … social strength … career strength … financial strength … emotional strength … the more attraction grows.
So there you have it. That’s the science behind attraction.
Next up, what exactly do you do with this information. How to turn the abstract into concrete steps you can take to build attraction in your marriage. Let’s talk about the areas where you will get the most return in terms of better sex with your wife.
Women Respond Best to 3 Specific Types of Strength
There are so many different types of strength, but these are the 3 areas where I see guys get the best return in terms of more attraction and better sex:
Muscles, ‘Mystery’ & Leadership: Best Bets for Better Sex with Your Wife
There are so many gains to be had in this area that I’m barely scratching the surface, but here are 3 clear action items you can start immediately for concrete results in terms of better sex with your wife.
Think about these action items as dominoes where one leads to the other, and eventually the trail leads all the way to huge increases in attraction and sexual desire in your wife.
1. Gain Muscle
If you’re not working out, you need to start. Now. Yesterday.
Women are attracted to muscular men (no matter what the TikTok surveys claim). In fact, upper body strength accounted for over 70% of men’s bodily attractiveness to women. You don’t have to look like Arnold, but simply not being overweight is not enough.
Less Cardio, More Heavy Weights
The treadmill isn’t your friend. Don’t just work out at home; you need to go to a gym where you can work out surrounded by other men. Your workouts will be more productive and being with other men strengthens you.
It will be scary at first, but it builds confidence, and masculine confidence is like catnip to women.
The workouts are going to help with energy and confidence and provide a platform for the next domino … enlarging your world.
2. Make Your World Bigger – ‘Mystery’
Women are strongly attracted to men who have their own passions and pursuits. Your wife was initially drawn to you because you had your own life, your own friends, your own passions. Think back to the time where you first met your wife and how much bigger your world was.
Your World Has Become Smaller
As you’ve gradually lost all that and your world has become smaller, she’s lost attraction. When you orbit her like she’s the earth and you’re the moon, you’ve turned the whole dynamic upside down and attraction disappears like mist in the wind.
If you think back to past relationships, my guess is you’ll see an ongoing pattern of this.
I know society has taught you that your wife and family should be your everything, but how is it working for you? Does your wife treat you with the respect she used to? Does she light up when you walk in the room?
Or are you simply part of the landscape?
Complacency is the Enemy of Attraction
Your wife knows what you are doing at any given time. You’re predictable and dependable; this is good up to a point in that it bolsters the Comfort system, but it’s actively hurting the Attraction system.
Go to the ‘Magic Place of Out’ a few evenings a week. It can be to the gym, it can be out with friends, it can be outside for a hike. Eventually, you’ll work up to adding in spontaneous, unexpected activities with your wife. But for now, it’s enough to find an activity outside the house, and go a couple of times each week.
Enlarging your world leads to the next step … gaining the confidence to add Leadership.
3. Add Leadership
Doing the first two steps, Building muscle and Enlarging your world, gives you the confidence to move to the third step; Adding leadership. Women are attracted to bold, decisive, high-energy leaders.
Leadership is more important to female attraction than even physical appearance.You can start small by adding ‘leadership moments’. A leadership moment is anytime you make a choice or decision.
Leadership Moments can be very simple. You don’t have to be a jerk and beat your chest about it; just start being more decisive. For example …
- Let’s have carry-out for dinner tonight and watch a movie.
- You hit the grocery store and I’ll pick up the kids.
- Let’s clean the garage this Saturday.
(Incidentally, the stronger your leadership, the more intensity you can add in the bedroom. ‘You can’t be Tom Hanks by day, Conan at night’.)
Top 3 Gains to Build Better Sex with Your Wife
Okay, there you have it.
- Gain muscle
- Make your world bigger
- Add leadership
Three specific steps you can take right now. You will be amazed at the impact these simple actions have on your wife’s attraction and on your sex life.
You don’t need to advertise it, you don’t need to make a big deal of it; in fact, it’s better if you don’t. If your life were a silent movie, it would be clear to anyone watching that something has changed. Something is different.
That’s what adds the edge that increases dopamine … and thus attraction … in your marriage. The results are going to amaze you!