If I told you it’s possible to hack into the brain and almost instantly increase feelings of love and intimacy, would you believe it?
It’s actually true. Take two people, put them together with certain questions and have them look into each others’ eyes, and they start feeling closer. Someone actually did a study to prove it.
To get even better results, though, try combining questions with CandleTime.
What Is CandleTime
I write about CandleTime here and how you can spend a few minutes each night talking with each other by candlelight and feel all warm and fuzzy and more connected. If you haven’t read that one yet, you need to stop and go read. It’s really that important.
I’ve seen some amazing results with couples who make CandleTime a daily habit. One question guys ask a lot, though, is what exactly they should talk about during CandleTime.
This may seem a little silly, like guys are completely clueless when it comes to emotional intimacy. It’s not that, it’s just … well, okay, sometimes guys can be a little clueless when it comes to emotional intimacy.
All too often, CandleTime degenerates into mundane conversation about the kids, or a hostile gripe session. Obviously counter-productive.
So, what do you talk about instead? Well, you ask questions that are known to increase feelings of closeness. You start off with less personal questions, and over the weeks, gradually make them more intense.
A few minutes each night talking by candlelight increases feelings of connection and intimacy.
Who Does the Talking
When you’re just meeting someone for the first time, it works best for both people to ask and answer the questions. For our purposes though, in long-term marriage where you’re trying to increase attraction and feelings of connection at the same time, I’ve found it’s best if the husband leads and does most of the asking.
As a general rule, women don’t react all that favorably to men sharing their emotions. Sexual dimorphism and all that.
If she asks you a question, by all means go ahead and answer it, but for the most part, you want her to do most of the talking.
When CandleTime is not a Good Idea
There are times where CandleTime doesn’t help, and in fact, actively hurts.
- When your partner finds you too needy or clingy
- When you’re the only one trying to make the marriage better
- When you have no leverage in the marriage
- When your partner feels contempt for you
- When your partner finds you boring
- When your partner shows no interest in you, or actively tries to avoid you
In other words, when your partner doesn’t feel attracted to you. In those cases, you’re actually going to lower your value in their eyes by suggesting CandleTime. If that’s where you are, you need to increase Attraction first before implementing CandleTime.
Women, this applies to you, too. If your husband isn’t into you, suggesting CandleTime to him is simply going to make him less interested. No matter what Good Housekeeping says.
What if you’re not sure how attracted your partner is? What if they agree to go along with CandleTime but don’t seem enthusiastic?
Give it a week or two, but if your partner remains reluctant or seems hostile to CandleTime, then it’s probably premature. You need to discontinue, and actively work on increasing Attraction.
Some Questions to Ask
Start with Group 1 questions, and over the weeks, gradually move to the more intense questions in Group 2.
- Best thing that happened today
- Worst thing that happened today
- Your best memory
- Your worst memory
- Your best gift
- When you felt most loved
- Today’s accomplishment you’re most proud of
- Scale of 1-10, how happy did you feel today
- Favorite childhood memory
- Favorite book as a child and why
- Favorite place to go as a child and why
- Do you have a hero? Have you ever?
- Where you feel most at peace in the world
- Best compliment you’ve ever received
- Your perfect day
- What you would change about the way you were raised
- How close your family was growing up
- Whether you felt safe and protected growing up
- Whether your childhood was happy
- The last time you cried and why
- Something you’re too afraid to try
- Best physical attribute
- Physical attribute you’d most like to change
- Mental/emotional attribute you’d most like to change
- 3 things in your life you find the most necessary
- Your first thoughts in the morning and your last thoughts at night
- 5 things for which you are the most thankful
- The people in your life you can most depend on for support
- Your biggest worry; the thing that keeps you up at night
- Your biggest change in the last five years
- 3 words that describe your childhood
How to Know if It’s Working
On a scale of 1-10, gauge your level of relationship comfort/connection/intimacy with your partner. Have them do the same.
Implement CandleTime faithfully each night for a month and track your feelings of connection each week. If they haven’t increased by the end of the four weeks, it’s time to try something else.
What about you? Ever tried anything like this, either with your current partner or a former one? Did it help? Hurt? Do nothing?
Let us know in the comments.