Parts Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
AKA, a frequent commenter had a great question ….
Do you do +1 as well as -1?
I’m really glad he asked this, because so often, when the marriage is struggling, we tend to only see the negative stuff. There are dozens of positive interactions that go unnoticed and unremarked as the negative interactions assume gargantuan proportions.
Here’s a sample chart of negative and positive interactions based on real life examples from various women with whom I’ve spoken.
| DATE | PLUS +1 | NEGATIVE -1 |
| Sunday | Sleeping in until 11am. | |
| Being grumpy all day. | ||
| Not initiating -5000 | ||
| Monday | Showing concern that I had left the bed and slept on the sofa | Not initiating -5000 |
| Tuesday | Saying that I couldn’t sleep on the sofa anymore | Ignoring my text messages. |
| Taking charge this morning and providing comfort +500 | Not initiating -5000 | |
| Wednesday | Initiating strongly even though we were feeling disconnected. +500 | Choosing to play a video game rather than spend time with me. |
| Thursday | Bringing me coffee. | |
| Helping me fix my computer. | ||
| Taking my clothes off when I got in bed. . +100 | ||
| Friday | Texting me with sexy messages. | |
| Saturday | Asking me out for a date night. | Not telling me I look pretty. |
| Telling fun stories at the restaurant. | Ogling the waitress and ignoring me at the restaurant. | |
One thing CaptR and I found helpful was to put a number beside the interactions that had impacted us in a stronger way. This really helped us identify the things correlated to our specific red/yellow/green areas as outlined in the Mindful Attraction Plan. Basically, if you’ve got an item on the chart with a -5000, that’s a Critical Moment of Neglect* and you’re doing extensive damage to your marriage by not correcting those incidents immediately.
“Sometimes you just really screw up and it creates a moment of such negative emotion that it wounds your partner. Stuff like you didn’t come to the birth of your kid. His best friend died and you went shopping for shoes. Anyone hitting anyone for any reason. Any cheating (no matter how long ago). Public humiliation. Anything that would appear to an outside observer to be completely out of line. Likewise extreme long term ignoring – whether that’s by video game addiction, long hours at work, or endless travel.
The solution is to apologize and be genuine about it. Often the initial problem stems from a lack of positive relationship attention, so whatever that lack was, you have to supply it now.”
Over time, as you increase your +1’s and decrease your -1’s, your overall relationship momentum will improve. This tool will help you gauge your progress toward that goal.
Hi, I’m Rebecca Watson. Author, Researcher, and Marriage & Attraction Consultant.
Thanks so much for your last four posts. I showed them to my H earlier and he’s wanting to implement your – 1/+1 system. I’m thinking this could help us a lot as communication is our biggest downfall. 😀
Liquid Sound –
I’m so glad. This one is proving really helpful to my husband and me. We just went over our new ones last night and I can’t believe the stuff that I don’t pick up on with him. Stuff that leaves me going, ‘Hunh? That bothered you?’
For him, it’s been helpful because it lets him see patterns. He tends to live ‘in the moment’, so once something is done, it’s done and forgotten. It’s hard for him to realize that all the -1’s add up.
Let me know how it goes and if you tweak it to make it better. The feedback from people is really helpful. Thanks. 🙂
What do you do when SO is not interested in anything to improve things? I am beginning to wonder if, as Athol says, she is walkway wife who just hasn’t (or cannot for religious reasons) walk away? I have felt like she has shut down sex HOPING I would go cheat someplace if that makes any sense. Even though I AM low T, I have never lost interest in sex. She has so little interest in sex that she once asked me, years ago, why I don’t just go get a girlfriend and leave her alone? Would only participate enough to keep me paying the bills and probably when ovulating.
I didn’t know about shite tests back then, but had enough sense not to take the bait.
Our marriage was classic case of bait and switch. Find socially awkward beta dude, promise the moon once we were married then use him as a sperm donor. Cannot do much MAPPING at my age and health issues and wouldn’t want to start over anyway.
Alimony alone would wipe me out until retirement. And has to be paid whether you can currently find a job or not. Older I get the larger consistent employment issue looms. So when laid off she would essentially get everything I managed to save up when work was good.
She has been a SAHM for 27 years and has REFUSED to go get a job repeatedly now that kids pretty much take care of themselves. Read that as copious Facebook and naps.
Marriage is a TOTAL rip off for the male half of the species if you ask me!